Before we dig deep into this week’s episode of Survivor: Caramoan – Fans vs. Favorites 2 Legit 2 Quit, we owe you, the loyal reader, an apology. You see, we had gotten so wrapped up in the sad, soul-sucking sagas of Shamar and Brandon that we had forgotten about Former Federal Agent Fillip(?). Specifically, we had forgotten how capable he was of equal soul-sucking, his stewardship of an imaginary corporation (painfully imaginary to everyone else but him) serving to dominate camp life and suffocating other players. We had hoped – erroneously – that the exit of Shamar and Brandon, two divisive but attention grabbing personalities, would open the game up. Instead, it just passed the speaking baton to the equal of three evils. Not that FFAF is complaining, being the singular intolerable, maddening, petulant male personality left only enhances his chances of making it to the end.
However, Fillip has some flaws in his game. Namely, he thinks he’s running some kind of top secret covert operation and explains this to every player he encounters, creating something more akin to a completely obvious overt debacle. But in addition to his delusions of grandeur, FFAF is also incredibly sensitive. He is easily rattled when someone challenges his leadership and integrity, and he demonstrates this trait when the Favorites returned to camp after they evicted Brandon from the house. Wearing the classic tucked in poncho characteristic of all great CEOs, Fillip was so hurt that Brandon said such mean, unprovoked things about him, and no one stood up for poor FFAF. Corinne jumped in too, saying how uncool it was for Brandon to only pick on her and Fill, that she sympathized with Fill’s frustration and anger with the rest of BeKool for not stepping up to the plate. And this made up The Specialist’s mind once and for all: he needs to get rid of Corinne, because her commiseration clearly makes her the biggest threat, for some reason entirely unclear to us. But that’s why he’s The Specialist and we’re just a dude writing a blog and not running a made-up paramilitary organization.
A few days ago, on the cusp of the premiere of Survivor: Filippines: The Rise of Skupin, we were asked if Survivor as a series (not the Survivor Series) is still entertaining after twenty-four seasons. “How could it possibly be?” they wondered. But we told this person that the show, against all odds, manages to be fresh and new almost every season, that although the game uses essentially the same format that it started with back in Borneo, each season and its cast members offer something new and different, something that makes the show worth watching. Case and point, in the first episode of our new season, we are blessed with Zane, who once again proves that no matter how long this show goes the players will continue to be stupid. And that, my friend, is why, twelve years later, Survivor is still very much worth watching.
But, in our normal fashion, before we get to end and Zane’s stupidity, let’s start at the start. And we start with Jeff Probst channelling Bruce Willis in Striking Distanceand rolling up in a speedboat, looking as confident and determined as ever, putting to rest any worries that one might have had that he’d be preoccupied with this just premiered daytime talker (and, perhaps, in another post it would worth discussing just how much Probst has meant to Survivor, and how much it owes its success to the man in blue). And we get our first look at the new cast, which in addition to the returning players that we’ve already discussed – Mike “Two Scoops” Skupin, Jonathan Penner, and Russell Swan (who, apparently, came directly from a jazz performance) – includes former Facts of Life star Lisa Whelchel and former Major League Baseball MVP Jeff Kent.
Yesterday Ben Folds Five, in conjunction with Nerdist and the Fraggles, released the video for “Do It Anyway,” the first single from their new and apparently much-anticipated album The Sound of the Life of the Mind, and it’s awesome. It’s just awesome.
Let’s just run down a quick list of why this is awesome:
1. Fraggles. Duh. Obvious #1.
2. Specifically Uncle Traveling Matt. Or, as you may know him, Tarzan from Survivor: ONE WORLD!
3. Rob Corddry, doing general Rob Corddry things (the smarmier the better).
4. A pretty rocking Ben Folds Five song. In fact, it’s so good that we’ve been forced to reassess our whole perception of Ben Folds Five. Thanks to his service as a judge on the Sing-Off, Ben Folds had already endeared himself to us as perhaps the one and only genuinely polite, affable and respectful judge among all reality competitions. But that was specific to his personality and gratitude, his completely unironic earnestness and enthusiasm. It did nothing to make us think of “Brick” as anything other than an okay song that we periodically remember is about abortion which VH1 used to play every morning just before or just after the video for Sheryl Crow’s “Strong Enough,” a song we much preferred. Nor did his positivity and humor suggest to us that we should go back and give Forever and Amen a listen, that perhaps when we surmised that Ben Folds Five was for the other guys, we were mistaken. No, we just grew to really like the guy. However, this video completely calls into question everything we thought we knew about Ben Folds Five. Perhaps we had them wrong all along.
“I know I lied to you and voted you out, but I have no boobs left so have a little mercy.” – Kim
It is somewhat fitting and poetic that in a game defined by boobs – both anatomical and intellectual – it was the least endowed woman who triumphed over her more busty peers (and, no, we’re not talking about Nina). In the end, it’s not what you have here (pointing to our chest), but what you have here (pointing to our head). And whatever Kim may not have or may have lost in her bosom, she certainly more than made for up with her brains (we could also note how she played the game with a lot of heart, but that would require also pointing to our chest, which would confuse the whole point. She also played with a lot of guts, but if we’re going to point to anyone’s stomach, it’ll be Colton’s to giggle at his doughy appendix scar).
Following Troyzan’s exit on last week’s Survivor: ONE WORLD!the vibe was tense back at the former Big Mike’s Co-Ed Dorm, with Kim spooked by Troyzan’s last words to Kat: DO IT. It’s haunted all of our memories since:
But what did he mean??? What secret deal did Kat and Troyzan have? What did those magic words express? Were those the same words that Bill Murray uttered to Scarlett Johansson at the end of Lost in Translation?Were they trigger words intended to set Kat off into a hypnotic state? Well, no, none of those things. He was just rattling the cage. But he did a good job of it. Enough to make Kim, queen of Survivor but always a bridal shop owner and never a bride, nervous about Kat’s continued presence in the game.
Quick look back at last week’s Survivor: ONE WORLD! before the new episode airs in a few hours.
First, let’s get right to it, this week’s Who Wore It Best?:
Lorenzo Llamas or Troyzan???
It’s right into the reward challenge, where this week’s reward is, yet again, a trip to a remote tropical island complete with an island meal. So, once again, pretty much the status quo. However, this time Kat gets pissed that always a bridal shop owner never a bride Kim wins the challenge and goes back on her word, taking Chelsea instead of Kat to the island feast. Not fair, Kim! Kat never gets to eat!
Another episode of Survivor: ONE WORLD!is coming up oh-so shortly, so let’s quickly take a look back at last week.
Troyzan is down, but he’s not out. And more than that, he’s really loud and annoying about it, with Jay’s departure a clear indication that he’s staring down the barrel of Kim’s gun (and with Kim being a bridal shop owner, we can only assume it’s a very nice, well-fitting, lacy revolver). Does Troyzan see the writing on the wall and attempt to quietly turn the superfluous members of Kim’s army against their lady-master? Nope, he’s just really cranky and obnoxious, totally offended that they dare turn against Troyzan, and pretty much warns everyone that they will live to regret this, and that he will hunt down and murder them and their families, Keyser Soze style. He doesn’t say this per se, but he definitely gives that impression. Hey, it’s Troy’s island, and he doesn’t let anyone forget it.
First off, we apologize for the two-week hiatus. We took, what we consider to be, a well-deserved holiday, and are just now getting back into the swing of things. However, while we were gone Survivor: ONE WORLD! just kept going, including a shake-up at Big Mike’s Co-Ed Dorm that displaced its namesake. With the Salami and Manano-hope tribes merging earlier than anyone could have or should have expected, the game, as Tarzan would say (and does repeatedly), is afoot, and head into this lastest episode with always-a-bridal-shop-owner-never-a-bride Kim at a crossroads: does she stick with her alliance of four with Chelsea, Troyzan and Jayzan, or maintain her gender ties with the original Salami tribe. She straddled both sides for a couple Tribal Councils, convincing Jay and Troyzan to vote out the biggest of the Mikes, but now she must pick her side and reveal her true colors.
For Tarzan it’s all just fun and games, but for the rest of the players this is real.
For the last few seasons we’ve become increasingly irritated by the presence of God, or, rather, some players’ insistence that he (or she!) has some influence on the game of Survivor, from Matt justifying his repeated exile to Redemption Island as part of Jesus’s plan to Brandon Hantz invoking the will of the Lord in his quest to purge Mikayla from the game (and maybe the Earth) because of her fictional harlot tendencies. For one season we can deal with these bible thumpers, but as it became a consistent aspect of the game, it became grating, obnoxious even. Sure, God may love Survivor, but as a true fan he would never get involved. When it comes to Survivor, God is agnostic, and if he had a dog in the fight, it wouldn’t be someone from the God Squad, it would be a rough and tumble champion, like Sophie or Lt. Tom Westman. But even if God had a rooting interest, we were sure that he (or she!) had no impact on the game, just like he has nothing to do with Tim Tebow (unless sending him to the Jets is God’s idea of a holy hilarious joke). However, after this week’s Survivor: One World! we’ve changed our mind. Because if that wasn’t divine intervention, if that wasn’t an instance of God reigning down vengeance from above, we don’t know what is.
It’s finally here, folks! Our much ballyhooed, frequently teased, oft-delayed player-by-player odds for Survivor: ONE WORLD! And this time we’re sweetening the deal by including celebrity look-alikes. Yes, these predictions are coming five episodes late, but that just gives us better insight and helps us provide you with more accurate, educated odds. So let’s get to it, A-B-C style.
Alicia: If not for Colton, you’d probably take the crown as The Worst. As it is though, the two worst seem to have allied with each other and found common ground in being The Worst. She fashions herself as a villain, and a tough bitch, but she’s yet to truly display the physical or social skills that will get her to the end (she has, however, displayed far too much of her chest, sporting a variety of wildly ill fitting tops). If she sticks with Colton, Team The Worst could actually, grossly, go far, that is if they don’t kill each other first. Odds of winning: 30-1