We’re a little slow getting to this because we were out-of-town, but during our hiatus we couldn’t help but notice the title of an Entertainment Weekly Survivor:ONE WORLD! recap that was curiously similar to one of our own. Take a look.
Notice that our recap went up at the end of April, analyzing the second episode of the season, whereas the EW headline appeared just a couple of weeks ago, covering one of the episodes that we missed. Now, we’re big fans of Dalton Ross and his recaps – in fact, we might even say that he’s an inspiration – but you can’t argue with the facts here. Not only did they use a very similar title, they utilized “boobs” double meaning, as both a literal reference to cleavage and as a playful description of the questionable decisions made by the tribe members. It’s pretty clear-cut.
But, hey, you decide.
It’s finally here, folks! Our much ballyhooed, frequently teased, oft-delayed player-by-player odds for Survivor: ONE WORLD! And this time we’re sweetening the deal by including celebrity look-alikes. Yes, these predictions are coming five episodes late, but that just gives us better insight and helps us provide you with more accurate, educated odds. So let’s get to it, A-B-C style.
Alicia: If not for Colton, you’d probably take the crown as The Worst. As it is though, the two worst seem to have allied with each other and found common ground in being The Worst. She fashions herself as a villain, and a tough bitch, but she’s yet to truly display the physical or social skills that will get her to the end (she has, however, displayed far too much of her chest, sporting a variety of wildly ill fitting tops). If she sticks with Colton, Team The Worst could actually, grossly, go far, that is if they don’t kill each other first. Odds of winning: 30-1
Read on for the rest!
What continues to astound us about Survivor players, season after season, is how little they understand the format of the game, how they continue to be surprised by surprises they should have seen coming, if only by the precedent set by every season of the show ever. And what’s particularly interesting in a contradictory way is how they’re so myopic in looking so far ahead. By already thinking about the end game – i.e. we have a strong alliance that can take us to the end, or at least to the merge – they fail to acknowledge or comprehend the twists and turns that will come along the way, i.e. a tribe shake up. Because OF course that’s going to happen, ESPECIALLY since the tribes were originally drawn up along gender lines. When you have such a stark contrast between teams, it’s a matter of a when, not if, the tribes will be realigned. By handing over immunity to the Salami Tribe last week the men may have accelerated the tribe shake up, but it was a foregone conclusion to occur sometime soon.
As such, the universal look of shock on the players’ faces when they learned at the beginning of this week’s Survivor: ONE WORLD! that the tribes would indeed be redrawn was shocking, but only because they should have seen it coming. To not have anticipated this shows how clueless these people really are, even Colton, who has self-professed himself to the master of this game.
And what’s up with Monica? In the first episode she refuses to do a strip tease, then offers to do a pole dance in the third, and now this? Lots of mixed signals, Monica (also, are you an ex-football player‘s wife or an ex-football player’s wife? We’re a little confused. Like we said, lots of mixed signals).
Click here to see Monica strip!
Before we start this off, we need to speak to Kat for a second. Girl, get it together. You bawl at Tribal Council like that one time Robbie Morris told his dad the dirty joke that we had told him at indoor recess earlier that day, and we were sent to bed without TV and ice cream (the joke, if you must know, is entitled “Seymour Upmore.” We’ll let you fill in the blanks). Kat, you need to toughen up. That was just your second of – if you’re exceptionally lucky – many Tribal Councils. But don’t take it from us, take it from Jimmy Dugan.
Got it? Good.
Unfortunately, once the ladies are able to dry their eyes, they’re doused with what was either ten minutes of drizzle or seven days of apocalyptic downpour. Either way, those bitches be WET (of course, one has question Chelsea’s decision to try to wait out the storm in the ocean. Then again, four feet of water probably offers more protection than their shelter. You know, cause chicks can’t build shit (jk, jk!)). But, defying their earlier histrionics, the women remain resolute, refusing to run to the big strong men and their big strong tarp (and the palms fronds the women themselves had woven. It’s kinda like a Gift of the Magi where one person gets totally fucked). Also, they somehow rejected Colton’s offer to cuddle. Now that’s will power. Girls, we had you all wrong.
Until about nine minutes later…