It’s our first week of the No Reynold Club on Survivor: Caramoan – 2 Legit 2 Quit, and the remaining members of the Edamame tribe are really starting to show the strain of the game. Eddie sees the writing on the wall, as the last remaining male fan and Uno Amigo he’s likely the next to go. Unless, of course, he can hook up with another girl, expose her to the Curse of Donkeylips, and watch her be sent off to Ponderosa. But would he hook up with an old chick like Sherri or a mom with a bottom retainer like Dawn? “Gross” he no doubt says to himself upon considering his options. Brenda? “Too into pig brains,” he likely reasons. So a reunion with Team Bro – Spring Break in Caramoan, y’all – is what Eddie expects to come shortly.
Cochran is also beginning to see the writing on the wall. Except this scribbling says that he now might be the biggest threat to win, that despite Erik’s abs and Eddie’s lisp lips he’s the alpha male on the island, and as such the bullseye might now be on his back. Dawn, to her credit, hasn’t cried in a…oh, no, wait, here come the waterworks, never mind.
Erik, on the other hand, clearly hasn’t recovered from the diabetic shock he experienced after devouring those chocolate glaze donuts last week, and he’s beginning to hallucinate, stuck in some kind of vivid fever dream, a mysterious voyage. Or perhaps, to teach Erik a lesson about voluntarily bowing out of challenges, Jeff Probst laced the pastries with some peyote. Either way, he’s seeing things.
Sure, we could have posted this April Fools Family Matters Kickstarter spoof on April 1, but that would have been so predictable and obvious, so totally against the spirit of that day of punking. Yes, ten days later on April 11 feels much more appropriate to bring you our first Reginald VelJohnson in Uniform in quite some time.
Inspired by the recent record-breaking success of the Veronica Mars movie Kickstarter, those pranksters over at Funny or Die unleashed a series of spoof campaigns for big screen versions of several classic television shows, including Darkwing Duck, Wings and Dinosaurs. Also amongst this impressive roster of past series looking for a second life is the legendary sitcom, the TGIF anchor, Family Matters. And who better to be the face of this venture than Carl Winslow himself, Reginald VelJ.
In the proposed film the Winslow family is kidnapped by a mysterious villain who may or may not be someone they know, perhaps someone very close to them, perhaps even someone who lives right next door. With his family in captivity, Carl goes into Liam Neeson Taken mode, his deep baritone striking fear into any would be evildoers.
We don’t talk enough on this blog about Childrens Hospital. In fact, we’re not sure we talk about it at all. But we’re not sure there’s a more enjoyable, twisted, irreverent 11-minutes anywhere else on television. It’s the show that we’d want to make if a) we were that brilliant and b) that demented. However, we are neither of those things, so we have to settle for staring slack-jawed at this show each week, shocked and incredibly impressed at what they’re able to pull off, both in terms of over-the-line comedy and playing with and then defying television conventions. What they also do a superb job of is pulling in amazing guest stars. And not just the big-time, drop-dead handsome Jon Hamm types, but the more obscure actors who seem hand-picked specifically to appeal to our very particular sense of humor, almost as if they’ve read our Diary of Things and People We Love (if such a book existed. And it doesn’t! So don’t even look under our pillow). Perfect case in point, Mr. Carl Winslow himself, Reginald VelJohnson, and, as usual, in uniform. But this time he trades the police blue for judges’ black.
This would have been another absolutely hilarious dumb-smart/smart-dumb episode even without Reggie. But his presence just makes it that much better, and really makes us wonder if the writers of Childrens Hospital are invading our dreams, Freddy Krueger style. Which, by the way, we’re totally cool with, if it means a cameo by Mr. Feeny (hey, he’s got hospital experience).
Well, we assume that Dancing with the Stars was unable to strike a deal with Bartman to join their new cast, so they went ahead and secured the next best thing, Urkel!
That’s right! Jaleel “Steve/Stefon Urkel” White will be the centerpiece of Dancing with the Stars upcoming 14th(!) season (which begs the obvious question, how long until they do Dancing with the All-Stars?). And, we bet you thought we’d take this easy opportunity to post the Urkel Dance, right? RIGHT? WRONG. Nope, we’re taking this easy opportunity to post what happened after the Urkel Dance, Drunk Urkel! (but you should totally go watch the Urkel Dance when you’re done here)
Okay, fine, we’re cheating this week. In this clip Reginald VelJohnson isn’t dressed in what you’d typically call a uniform. But he’s still playing a cop, and when we first conceived of this weekly feature it was under the moniker “Reginald VelJohnson as a Cop Moment of the Week,” so this one still sorta counts. Plus, you could totally argue that a brown sport coat is a police detective’s uniform. It’s a stretch, but we won’t fight you on it.
But, most importantly, this is a clip from the seminal 80s canine-crime-comedy classic Turner and Hooch, which means that Reggie VelJ carries his shield alongside Jumped the Snark favorite Tom Hanks. And any collaboration with Hanks needs to be acknowledged, traditional uniform or not (plus this gives us an excuse to link tomhanksimals). So, ladies and gentlemen, complete with the requisite coffee mug, here’s Detective David Sutton, learning the ins and outs of precinct paperwork from fellow Detective Scott Turner:
We do have one bone to pick with the YouTube user who was kind enough to post this video, Platypus Robot. He (or she) remarked in the description that “going from Bruce Willis to Tom Hanks is a hell of a demotion.” Well, we would be remiss if we did not fervently disagree. If you want to restrict this argument to whom would you want to save you in a ridiculous hostage situation, John McClane or Scott Turner, of course we’d take Willis’ McClane every time. But if we’re talking strictly Willis or Hanks, c’mon. Hanks all the way, no contest. The man is one of the best actors of his generation, and by many accounts one of the funniest. Now, as far as we know, Hanks doesn’t front any blues bands, but we shouldn’t hold that against him. He’s too busy educating the American public about the lunar missions and World War II (and pranking Julia Roberts).
So, Reginald VelJohnson, consider yourself Hanxed. We have no doubt you appreciate the significance.
We’re going way back to Season 1 of Family Matters this week to bring you our Reginald VelJohnson in Uniform Moment of the Week. In this episode, the show’s twelfth and Steve Urkel’s first appearance, Carl arranges for Steve to be Laura’s date to the school dance. It proves to be a monumental mistake that will haunt Carl, and viewers, for years to come, as Urkel, originally intended to be a one-shot character, became the show’s breakout star and our lives were never the same. Yes, Carl, you did do that.
Die Hard 2 (Die Harder) was pretty disappointing on all fronts, basically a Die Hard rip-off in the vein of the later Die Hard on a boat andDie Hard in a tunnel and Die Hard on a zeppelin copycats that would densely populate the 90s, as opposed to a worthy follow-up to the original. But most dismaying was the severely diminished presence of Mr. Reginald VelJohnson, who undoubtedly stole the show as Sgt. Al Powell in the first film. He was John McClane’s confidant, his best friend, his rock, and his savior. It’s no stretch to say that without Sgt. Powell there’s no way McClane ever gets out of Nakatomi Plaza. So it’s nothing short of a travesty that Reginald VelJ’s role in the sequel was limited to a desk-jockey cameo:
But in his two minutes on-screen VelJohnson shines, giving a Masters class on eating a Twinkie while talking on the phone. And this scene really breaks down what an exciting, tumultuous time the early 90s were. Fax machines! Insurance companies! The ol’ in-laws! Fax numbers! Pissing in pools! It truly is a snapshot of 1990.
WAKE UP AND SMELL THE 90s! It smells like VelJohnson!
(Completely Made-up Fun Fact: the role played by Samuel L. Jackson in Die Hard with a Vengeance was originally written for Reginald VelJohnson to reprise Sgt. Powell. Strange, but not true!)
Sure, Reginald VelJohnson played a cop on Family Matters and a police detective in Die Hard. But when Sigourney Weaver is possessed by the demon Zuul and the Sumerian god Gozer is poised to make a destructive comeback, whom do you think the Ghostbuster’s called when they needed a prison guard? That’s right, Reginald V (credited here as “Reggie):
We recently had the pleasure of viewing Die Hard for the very first time (seriously!) and we were struck by a number of things. For example, it’s really, really good, Bruce Willis had a lot more hair; Alan Rickman is super creepy; you can totally see its influence on Community‘s paintball episode; and the late 80s were a weird time when computer screens only broadcast in two colors, green and black. But perhaps our biggest takeaway was this: Reginald VelJohnson sure does play a lot of cops and other uniformed personnel. And with that small thought, that tiny light bulb, was birthed yet another Jumped the Snark semi-regular feature. So, without anymore hesitation, our first installment of the “Reginald VelJohnson in Uniform Moment of the Week:”