We thought we’d take a few moments to discuss the recent competition final that has legions of fans around the world crying foul. No, not the Ice Dancing Gold in Sochi, although that outcome has not surprisingly raised some eyebrows (to the novice judges viewing from our living room, we had the Canadians at least even with the Americans). No, we’re not talking about the world of sports here, but the culinary world, and, more specifically, the results of the Top Chef:New Orleans
More: Culinary a-salt?
Earlier this month, after weeks of cook-offs and focus groups and pilot pitches, the finale of Food Network Star came down to two fledgling cheftestants. One was lucky to be there, having managed to survive the competition despite flashing questionable culinary skills and failing to demonstrate adequate food authority, presenting repetitive dishes that had more style than substance, lasting from week after week almost entirely due to their charming, fun, magnetic personality, despite a marked absence of ability, professionalism and on-camera talent. And the other finalist was pie-man Rodney Henry.
More: Can you bake a pie? No. Neither can him.
Don’t go trying some new fashion
Don’t change the color of your hair
You always have my unspoken passion
Although I might not seem to care
I don’t want clever conversation
I never want to work that hard
I just want someone that I can talk to
I want you just the way you are.
Last week we visited Taco Bell for the first time since it introduced its new Cantina Bell menu, a shameless pandering to the Chipotle burrito bowl crowd, a citrus-herb-marinated-chicken-fisted attempt to appeal to those who prefer a “gourmet, healthier, fresher” option. First of all, those words should never, ever appear in the same sentence with Taco Bell, unless you were listing antonyms for Taco Bell. And while we’d go under oath professing that avocado is one of our three favorite foods (along with bacon and cheese, creating the Holy Trinity of food, the A-B-Cs of eating), at Taco Bell we don’t want our guac coming from anywhere other than a caulk gun. If we wanted fresh guacamole not the consistency of toothpaste we wouldn’t go to Taco Bell, we’d make it ourselves (and we make a pretty mean guac, ask around). It’s pretty simple. We know what you are Taco Bell (at least we thought we did), and we were happy with you. Billy Joel pretty much says it exactly right. Don’t go changing to try and please me. I’ll take you just the way you are.
More: Taco Bell, We would not leave you in times of trouble…
Does a body good?
Today is one of the greatest of all the non-denomination global holidays: 7/11, the self-proclaimed birthday of 7-Eleven, also known to many as Free Slurpee Day. Perhaps other than New Years Eve, no day is celebrated more widely across the globe, from New York City to Singapore, from Toronto to Taipei. Nothing brings the citizens of Earth together like a free 7.11 oz helping of pina colada flavored frozen sugar, especially as we enter the dog days of summer. Many years ago we produced a video of die-hard 7-Eleven fans in cities around the world talking about their love of all things Slurpee, and we present this to you on this day, the day of 7-Eleven’s birthday.
So have fun out there, guys, and enjoy your complimentary somewhat frozen beverages. Just remember: no wheezing the juice, and if you insist on having an all-syrup Slurpee, make sure you pair up with a buddy.
Finally! We’re invited to join the vaunted Pizza Hut e-Rewards® Opinion Panel. We started to believe this day would never come. What an honor.
Unfortunately, we have to decline the offer. As humbled as we are to be considered for this tremendous opportunity, we just don’t think we can commit the level of time and energy that a responsibility like this requires and deserves. We would be doing ourselves, Pizza Hut and pizza lovers everywhere a disservice if we couldn’t offer one hundred and ten percent; it wouldn’t be fair to them and it wouldn’t be fair to you. So, Pizza Hut, thank you so much, and we hope this does not tarnish what we had and we can continue to stuff your “pizza” down our throats.
This is the most fun Stephen Colbert has had since he introduced Colonel Tuxedo’s Cat Meat Stew, the only premium cat meat stew endorsed by Stephen Colbert.
However, to be completely fair, in NYC the cost of a single banana is regularly $.50 or more, and you really can’t put a price on a keeping your banana free of bumps and bruises (well, you can apparently, and that price is $16). As Mike and Tom will tell you, there really is nothing worse than a mealy banana, and sometimes acquiring a better banana on short notice is not an option. So why not take proper precautions? There’s nothing cooler than practicing banana safety.
Could you even imagine????
If we show up in your list of Gchat contacts (which, we admit, is unlikely) you may have noticed that our icon (or avatar!) is a green, more Irish-looking, version of the McDonaldland character Grimace (who himself is the icon (or avatar!) for our personal website (which, we admit, is in dire need of a revamp). That roly-poly green creature (also seen in our header above) is, of course, Uncle Grimacey, Grimace’s uncle (on his father’s side, obviously), who was trotted out by McDonald’s in the late 80s to promote their minty St. Patty’s-themed concoction, the Shamrock Shake. So in honor of St. Patrick’s Day, and the Shamrock Shake (and the end of the March holiday blitz), we bring you Uncle O’Grimacey at the height of his fame:
And, yes, we got a Shamrock Shake today. Duh.
We once spent no joke two hours going down the Wikipedia-YouTube rabbit hole reading about and then watching the classic McDonaldland characters (and then reading about and watching (and then reading about and watching (and so on (and so on)))), and we recommend you do the same. Just start here and we’ll see you in the morning.
(and we think we just broke the record for most unnecessary parenthetical digressions in a 200-word post (congrats!)).
Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Two weeks ago on Top Chef they pulled the old bait and switch and you get a car and you get a car and you get a car and you’re all going to the Bahamas! So last week it was off to the tropical islands to get cookin’.
But before they can get to the Quickfire, everyone is just blown away by Richard’s beard.
More: To what lengths will Antonia go to win? Sabotage?