We thought we’d take a few moments to discuss the recent competition final that has legions of fans around the world crying foul. No, not the Ice Dancing Gold in Sochi, although that outcome has not surprisingly raised some eyebrows (to the novice judges viewing from our living room, we had the Canadians at least even with the Americans). No, we’re not talking about the world of sports here, but the culinary world, and, more specifically, the results of the Top Chef:New Orleans
More: Culinary a-salt?
But this time, they’ll be in Texas, where EVERYTHING is bigger.
The big question, however, is will Telly Monster return?
We sincerely apologize for the absence of Redemption Island recaps the last month; Gawker.TV ceased publishing weekly recaps and our day job has been monopolizing our time. But, with the finale airing tonight night, we felt it was our responsibility (and our pleasure) to give some thoughts on what’s transpired since our last recap and what is still to come.
Before we delve into the eliminations, duels, blindsides and bonehead moves of the past month, it’s come to our attention that we’ve been going easy on Matt and his love of Jesus. So, to right that wrong, we’re going to go ahead and dedicate the first part this post to Matt and his savior.
“Are you there, God? It’s me, Matt. Why have you abandoned me?”
“Because, Matt, I don’t care about reality television. I’m the almighty creator, and I have infinitely more important things to do than interfere with or preordain some reality show competition. And if I were to get involved with any of these shows, it wouldn’t be Survivor, hands down it’d be Top Chef, because a) I fancy myself as a bit of a foodie and b) have you seen the rack on Padma? One of my finest creations.”
“Oh, so that one set of footprints. That wasn’t you carrying me on your back?”
“Nope, no way. All you, buddy.”
Read on: Some more Matt bashing, why Boston Rob does and doesn’t deserve to win, and our FINAL prediction…
Two weeks ago on Top Chef they pulled the old bait and switch and you get a car and you get a car and you get a car and you’re all going to the Bahamas! So last week it was off to the tropical islands to get cookin’.
But before they can get to the Quickfire, everyone is just blown away by Richard’s beard.
More: To what lengths will Antonia go to win? Sabotage?
Before we talk out last night’s Top Chef: All-Stars, we need to talk about our feelings regarding Chinatown.
Chinatown is our least favorite part of Manhattan. That is, of course, if you even choose to consider the neighborhood part of Manhattan, which we have trouble doing. We recently had the misfortune of reporting to an office in the heart of Chinatown everyday, and it was a miserable experience (going to Chinatown, not the job). The Grand St. B-D station is our least favorite stop along the New York City subway’s 656 miles of track.1 We’ve long detested the experience of exiting that station, being hit with the foul stench of imported fish, most pungent in the mornings when the seafood is “fresh.” The neighborhood is a visual and olfactory nightmare of rotting fish, fruit with horns, garbage and garbage juice.
We’ll finish our discussion on Chinatown and get to the recap once Padma’s done fashionably searching for buried treasure…
Oh, Jen, you broke our heart. Not because you were eliminated from Top Chef: All-Stars on just the second episode, but because of the way you went out: bitter, rude, disrespectful. Now, Jen, don’t get us wrong, we love your feistiness, your spunk, your proclivity for profanity. There’s very little we enjoy more than a tough broad. And we were delighted that you returned for All-Stars with a renewed determination and confidence, after showing some mental weakness during your first go ’round in Vegas. But Padma Lakshmi is in a Carl’s Jr. commercial, so when you’re in front of the judge’s table you better show her some respect. Be a bitch, just be a classy bitch. Like Jackie O. Or Bea Arthur.
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Jen, please pack your Crocs and go.
Looks like the path is even clearer for Professor Ricky Blaise.