Season 3

00:05: I shouldn’t jinx it, but I think we’ve seen the last of that terrible alternate opening theme song.

1:00: They really need to reevaluate their teachers.

2:00: First Magic Johnson reference!  Before everything went all down hill (and then later came back up to about normal).

02:30: Of course they have the class trip meeting while classes are in session.

2:50: Who’s this new fat kid Milton and what have they done with Alan???

3:30: Second Ding Dong reference!

4:30: Twenty-fourth fantasy sequence: Mr. Dickerson is a dick.  Ohhhhh, that make sense.

6:30: I loved Rod Belding in the band Nelson.

6:45: Wait….Rod Belding…Dick Belding…Rod…Dick…Saved by the Bell!  Inappropriate!

8:05:  I just don’t trust this guy.  It’s not just that I’ve seen this episode 22 times.

10:30: Remember that episode of Diff’rent Strokes with the molester who owned the bicycle store?  Rod gives me that vibe.

13:45: I don’t know, Mr. Belding’s Yosemite trip sounds pretty good.  More romantic, for sure.

15:00: Um, Zack, you realize on a real white water rafting trip you won’t be able to calmly put your arm around Kelly, right?  You know what would be good for that?  A trip to Yosemite.

16:40: You’re a creep, Mr. Belding.

17:20: The elephant in the room.  If Mr. Belding knows that Rod is such a terrible teacher, why did he bring him into his school and let him teach his kids?  Look in the mirror, Dick.

18:50: “It’s not just some stewardess, it’s Inga,” we still remember her name after all this time.

19:00: Oh, so Rod promised things would be different this time.  Sounds like the Belding who cried wolf to me.

20:30: I think Bayside has a smaller class size than my elementary school.

20:45: Mr. Belding taking them on the white water rafting trip sounds like a really bad, dangerous idea.

21:40: TOTALLY NOT A NORMAL STUDENT-PRINCIPAL RELATIONSHIP.

21:45: And I guess the tears in our eyes indicate that doesn’t really bother us.

1:05pm, Episode 2: “Breaking Up is Hard to Undo”

02:00: That’s weird, I would have thought Jessie would be a big proponent of polygamy.

0:300: Okay, so Jessie and Slater are officially dating.  But how long have they been fucking?

03:30:  All guys name Todd are douches, everyone knows that.  Except for former MLB player Todd Zeile.

07:15: “Mr. Belding, we think you’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time with six of your students.”

09:45: “Also, Mr. Belding, we’ve told you repeatedly to stop visiting the Max.  It’s creepy.”

11:00: “Um, Mr. Belding, hi.  It’s really weird that you came over to my house.  To my bedroom.  And now you’re sitting on my bed.  This is wrong in a number of ways.”

12:25: Jessie, we know you’re prejudiced.  Your forefathers were slave traders.

12:40: Oh, great, now I want pizza again.

13:35: “Um, Zack, does your principal want to stay for dinner?”

14:25: Straight up, Tiffani Thiessen looks hot right now.

16:15: No, guys, you should always take advice from a guy living in the boys locker room.

16:40: Tacos and bowling.  To be honest, sounds like a weird combo.  Not sure we’re into that.

16:45: Time-out!

18:45: Good thing The Max is always a dead-zone on Friday nights.

1945: Slater dancing!  DRINK!

19:55: Why would teenage girls find Mario Lopez in a leotard attractive (but this just goes to show that he was a total ringer in Dancing with the Stars)?

20:15: The quickest way to win a girl’s heart: have Screech imitate them.

20:35: Mark-Paul Gosselaar sure had a limited array of poses.

1:27pm, Episode 3, “The Glee Club”

01:15: Oh, hey, Violet.  Welcome back.  It wasn’t weird at all that we haven’t seen you for ten episodes.

02:20: Second bowling reference in as many episodes!

02:45: “The glee club is for geeks.”  NOT IN 2011, LISA!  IT’S THE COOLEST!

03:30: After this episode we always thought that glee clubs were just a bunch of kids standing around signing.  Now, thanks to Glee we know that glee clubs are when a bunch of kids of various ethnicities and sexual orientations spontaneously break into well-choreographed music videos.

08:20: SCOTT WOLF!

08:30: Mr. Tuttle, you’re terrible.

09:00: “Jock joke.”  Why wasn’t that a hit album?

09:50: Man, Bayside is like half nerds.

10:15: Maybe the reason the glee club sucks is that Mr. Tuttle never bothered to listen to everyone sing before.

11:00: That’s okay, Violet, just stand there with your head down.  It’s not weird at all.

12:20: First Candace Bergen reference!

12:44: First flashback montage!

17:10: This is totally what it must have been like for Tori Spelling growing up.

17:45: Time-out!

17:50: Wait, but how is Screech not frozen?  This might be the most unbelievable time-out in Saved by the Bell‘s illustrious time-out history.

19:45: I wonder how nervous Scott Wolf was standing next to Tiffani Thiessen.

21:00:  Wait, I thought Jessie lost her voice.

21:30: I bet Violet’s parents just despise being at The Max.  No way they stuck around for a bite.

21:45: I’ll say this, Saved by the Bell does a far superior job of ending their episodes than The Larry Sanders Show.

1:52pm Episode Four, “The Last Dance.”

00:01:  Fuck, We know what’s coming.

1:10: This never gets any easier. This is like reliving an execution.  The execution of my heart.

02:00: Costumes aren’t expensive, Kelly.  Not if you make them yourself.  How about a little creativity, Kapowski?!

02:45: FUCK YOU, JEFF.

03:00: Is that “Help Wanted” sign CGI?

04:10: Scott Wolf!

04:45: Is that a photo of JFK behind Mr. Belding?  Visiting a third world country?

06:15: Thanks for helping Kelly out with those scuzzballs, but you’re still a jerk, Jeff.

06:45: Oh, you realize that $5 in tips is not that much, right, Kelly?

08:30: But Kelly, you got the job so you’d have enough money for the dance.  Now you’re not going to the dance cause you have to work?  What a classic Gift of the Magi scenario!

08:40: First appearance of Zack Attack!

10:10: I miss Max Alonzo.

10:30: You’re not a great guy, Jeff.  You’re a JERK.

12:30: OH, FUCK YOU, JEFF.  FUCK, FUCK YOU.  You just raped my childhood.

13:45: Second Al Bundy reference!

16:15: Mario Lopez on the drums!

16:16: ZACK ATTACK!

17:20: I never understood what instrument Lisa is playing.

17:50: Going to just take a couple of moments to watch this unfold.  And for my still-beating heart to be ripped out of my chest.

19:25: It’s a really lucky that the black nerd can play the drums (that guy was totally 40 years-old, btw)

19:40: Oh, man.  This song.  Gets me every time.

20:00: I don’t think I realized that Zack and Kelly went outside to the picnic table, the same place they first got together a season ago.  Full circle.

20:30: Zack and Kelly break up.  A little bit of my childhood slips away.

21:30: The first, and if we’re not mistaken, only episode to simply fade to black.  Pretty heady, emotional stuff for Saturday morning.

21:43: It still hurts.  After all this time.

2:32, Episode 5: “Zack’s Birthday Party”

01:15: Malibu Sands! The fact that these episodes aired in concert with the Bayside stories, alternating back and forth, is really disorienting.  Maybe it felt right when they originally aired, but on the DVDs it probably would have made more sense to group all the beach episodes together.

3:00: That was a really overcast summer.  I don’t recall any episode from Malibu Sands looks like a good beach day.

06:00: The girl from King of Queens! (hey, Leah Remini!)

09:00: I wonder how Dennis Haskins felt about all of this.

09:30: Would have never pegged Jessie as a slob.

13:00: Stacey Carosi is a biiiiitch!

14:30: Hey, Lisa, get a job!

19:00: Zack just dropped some knowledge on Stacey!

19:35: Baywatch moment! Why isn’t this in slo-mo?

22:00: You know, what, Stacey?  You might not be so terrible after all.

20:00: What I wouldn’t have given to have Kelly save me from drowning.

3:15pm, Episode 6: “The Aftermath”

01:00: We appreciate that they actually followed up on the break-up story because we needed some kind of closure.  At the very least it just couldn’t be ignored.

02:25: Um, Zack, all those photos of Kelly is your locker is a little creepy.

03:40: This Ms. Simpson hearing impaired act is growing a little weary.

04:35: Don’t you see, Ms. Simpson?  This is tearing Zack apart.  You’re not blind too.

06:00: We get it, Jeff.  You go to UCLA.  You don’t need to wear the sweatshirt.

07:00: First MC Hammer reference!

09:30: Great UB40 poster, Zack.

10:00: Joan Collins and Danielle Steele references that are lost on everyone.

10:30: Ew!  That girl is fat!

12:15: This always bothered me.  We were all in Zack’s corner, feeling sympathetic for him after Kelly dumped him, and he has to go and be a jerk to Kelly.  Be the bigger man, Zack.  Don’t give Jeff any advantage!

13:15: Oh, no, A12!  Zack and Kelly’s song.

14:05: “Right now the only jerk I see is you.”  Kelly’s right.  And Kimberly should have thrown that milkshake in your face, not on your shirt.

15:30: Grow up, Zack.  Now you’re making us all look bad.

15:50: Why does Zack still have all of Kelly’s stuff in his locker anyway?

17:40: On a show littered with fashion disasters, Jessie has to be the worst.  Do you have a job interview after this? For the position of mom’s night out? Or maybe crazy art teacher?

18:45: FUCK YOU, JEFF.

19:35: Oh, Screech, trust us.  He’s a sleazeball.

20:00: How did Zack just appear there?!  Is he a ghost???   Did Max teach him black magic?

21:00: Now punch Jeff in the face!  Do it!  NOW!

21:22: Twins!

21:30: You realize that girl’s a tranny, right, Zack?

4:55pm, Disc 2, Episode 7: “The Game”

01:30: Lisa is extra sassy in the Malibu Sands episodes.

03:15: Whoaaaa!  What’s with the tiny cell phone!

05:50: If they’re getting afternoons off to practice volleyball, who’s going to lifeguard?

11:45: Wow, Gary is good!  As long as nothing happens to him there’s no way they can lose!

12:00: Although, Zack, stop whoring Kelly out like that.

12:50: Oh, no, Gary!

14:00: They’re screwed!  There’s no way they can win!

16:40: Big Pete!

19:30: Just another typical overcast Southern California day.  Must have shot these episodes during June Gloom.

20:00: As a former varsity volleyball player this episode always bothered me.  They just did not get the fundamentals right.  Also, they sucked.

20:15: Eric Dane!

21:15: Specifically Zack, he sucks.

22:30: It doesn’t make any sense that the guy on North Beach (not Eric Dane) would return the serve like that.  Also, Zack can’t come from the back line to spike the ball.  C’mon, guys!  Attention to detail.  Please!

5:20, Episode 8: “Operation Zack”

01:00: Zack’s hair is extra platinum in this one.

03:15: Ha.  That was totally a terrible fall. Embarrassingly so.

05:00: Mrs. Turtle!

08:45: Hack-a-Zack!

09:10: One of Dennis Haskin’s finest performances.

11:30: Twenty-fifth fantasy sequence: Zack’s dead!

13:30: Nice touch giving this scene a heavenly white glow as opposed to the standard pink.

14:30: I wonder what kind of memorial they really would have had if Zack died.  I like to think it would have been more of a celebration than a funeral.

15:30: Rape.

17:40: Yeah, they really dyed Mark Paul Gosselaar’s roots this time around.

18:15: Whoa!  Bringing God into this!

19:30: I’ve never had knee surgery, and I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure you don’t need to be drugged up the night before the operation.  Or spend 3 days in the hospital beforehand.

20:30: Also, not sure if knee surgery normally requires a cast.

21:30: Second Gilligan reference!

Tuesday, 1:32pm, Episode 9: “4th of July”

00:00: I used to love the beach episodes, probably because it meant Tiffani Thiessen in a bathing suit, but now I could do without them.  They just get in the way of the narrative thrust of the Bayside stories.  Also, I never like seeing Zack hit on another woman.

03:10: Oh, don’t be such a stick in the mud, Stacey!

03:20: Little known fact: The restaurant scenes were actually shot in a studio.  TRUE!

04:15: Screech gets stuck in the obstacle course tube, but in “Zack’s War” he was already proven to be an obstacle course pro.  Contraction, Saved by the Bell!  Do you research.

06:00: Zack’s hair looks really Season 2 in this episode.

07:00: Nice shorts, Morris!!!

07:30: Just make out already!

09:00: Minutemen uniforms are really inappropriate beach wear, guys.

10:15: Slater losing to Lisa in the obstacle course was the most difficult acting Mario Lopez has ever done.

11:00: Why is Mr. Carosi playing for the club member’s team?

12:35: Loving this dude in the Nelson Mandela t-shirt.  How politically conscious,SBTB!

13:20: Sorry every other girl at this beach club!  No way you’re making the Miss Liberty finals.  Not with Kelly, Lisa and Jessie around.

14:40: Kelly Kapowski: Beauty and brains.  She’s doing a lot better here than she did for Miss Bayside.

15:30: That’s right, Zack!  You knew who deserved to win.  This gave us faith that, one day, you and Kelly would get back together.

17:00: And thus began the famed, three-season, Slater-Lisa love story arc.

17:30: There’s Stacey, acting like a raging bitch again.  Oh, you New Yorkers!

18:50: Just sitting on the beach, watching the sunset, thinking.  You know, deep thoughts.  And, don’t worry, Zack remembered to take his sneakers off.

20:10: Still kinda surprising they didn’t have the 4th of July dance at The Max.

21:20: Totally convincing stock fireworks footage.  Totally convincing.

2:20pm, Episode 10: “Wicked Stepbrother Part 1″

00:00: Finally!  The first appearance of Jessie’s half-brother Eric.

00:25: It was really risky of Saved by the Bell to introduce a new main character to their established cast, but seeing how well Eric meshed with the gang, it was a gamble that paid off big-time.  We can’t even imagine The College Years without Eric.

02:10: Never noticed all the flirting going on between Zack and Slater.

03:45: Nice touch giving Eric a leather jacket.  Quintessential New York.  OrMilwaukee circa 1955.

04:51: Ohhh, tough guy!

05:16: Twins!

05:30: You think Zack ever tucked his shirt in without buttoning it up?

07:20: Uh oh.  Has Zack met his match?

08:00: I don’t know why Zack even bothered looking at Eric’s schedule.  There’s only one class going on at a time ever at Bayside.  And the classroom is right across from Mr. Belding’s office.

08:30: First (of so many) Judaism reference!

09:00: Um, guys, the baseball playoffs occur in October, a couple of weeks after Rosh Hashana.  DO YOUR RESEARCH.

14:30: Saved by the Bell‘s first sex tape!  Read all about it in Behind the Bell.

14:50: CRUSH HIM, SLATER!

16:35: Nice convertible, Mr. B.  And you still don’t think teachers and school administrators aren’t overpaid?

16:55: Time-out!

17:00: Dennis Haskins needs a little work in the standing completely still department.  Somebody has the shakes!

17:25: Second MC Hammer reference!

17:40: Scott Wolf!

17:50: First use of “meshugena!”

17:55: First reappropriation of the lyric “can’t touch this!”

19:00: Classic movies.  So Noo Yawk!

20:00: You’ve never met anyone like Lisa, Eric?  Guess you’re not from NY after all.

20:45: Has anyone ever not fallen for their date when the only reason they went on the date in the first place was part of some manipulative scheme?  We don’t think so (a pattern that we’ll see at least once more in the series).

2:40, Episode 11: “Wicked Stepbrother Part 2″

00:00: We’re thrilled that they included these episodes back-to-back.  Would have been just cruel to wedge another Malibu Sands episode between them.  Don’t leave us hanging!

00:10: A recap, thank goodness!

03:00: Third MC Hammer reference (we’re going to count this one as a separate reference, as it is a separate episode).

03:40: This rigged lottery/algebra problem scheme is really one of Zack’s best, and certainly one of his most brazen.

04:00: But if Mr. Belding’s not around, who’s going to ask what’s going on there?

04:10: Nevermind, there he is.

05:28: First Bo Jackson reference!

07:00: This algebra teacher is great!  (and a Jew!)

07:45: Pulling the fire alarm, just another law broken by Zack and the gang.  It’s like watching The Sopranos. But with teenagers!

09:30: Why does Eric dress like one of the Wiggles?

10:55: Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration, Lisa Turtle.

11:23: WHY ARE THERE NERDS IN AUTO SHOP?!?!  That could upset the delicate high school balance!

12:15: I’m so sick of hearing about how they do it in New York.  You’re in the LA now, bitch!

13:50: Still don’t understand how Eric could take over Jessie’s room.  Guess her mom is too busy with her new husband to care what’s going on in her house.

14:10: Although, Eric does have a Rocky IV poster.  Part of me really wants to like him.

14:20: But c’mon, what real Mets fan puts up a Yankees poster?  That’s just laziness, guys.  Also, not sure about the Doc Gooden poster.  By 1991 he was an admitted cocaine user and accused rapist.  But, then again, SBTB never shied away from serious themes.  Like…

14:57: ASSAULT!

17:00: Hate to break it to you, Mr. B, but in 20 years no one is going to care about a CD player.

18:00: Oh, no!  He’s going back to NY!  And we were just starting to like him.

20:30: “And now that I’ve kissed you and asked you to stay I’m going to silently back out of the room.” – Lisa.

21:30: OH, GOOD!  HE’S GOING TO STAY!  Looking forward to seeing Eric in ALL remaining episodes.

3:28pm, Episode 12: “Check Your Mate”

01:20: Oh, well, guess Eric went back to NY.  I’m sure that’ll be addressed at some point.

01:37: I wonder if they eventually just started deliberately making Zack look like a Ken doll.

02:00: Violet!

03:25: Although it looks like they forgot to dye Mark-Paul Gosselaar’s eyebrows this time.

07:00: I hope Bayside isn’t footing the bill for these Chess team sweats.

08:15: Second Sinead O’Conor reference!

09:38: You can’t blame Screech for falling for this girl.  She doesn’t have glasses!

11:00: Chess boy mansion.  C’moooooon.

12:00: So if that girl can talk like a normal person, why doesn’t she do it all the time?

14:00: Really starting to get the cold war undertones to the Bayside/Valley rivalry.  Just a coincidence that Screech’s opponent is from the Soviet Union?

18:03: Assault, kidnapping, identify theft.  Y’know, the usual.

18:50: Slater you can’t stay “Commie!”  Or “butt!”

19:00: First perestroika reference!  And earlier was the second glasnost reference!  Entertaining and educational!  This is like a PBS documentary.

21:00: Oh, yeah, we forgot to mention the gambling.

22:44: Where does we procure some Screechios?

4:54pm, Episode 13: “My Boyfriend’s Back”

01:50: “I know where the chef hides the good stuff.”  A tub of margarine and a white bread.  Yeah, real good, Stacey.

02:45: Just hanging out with my shirt off.  NBD.

04:00: Um, Mr. Carosi, you really can’t say “terrorist.”  Not cool.

06:00: Sometimes I think that Dustin Diamond might actually be an amazing actor.

07:22: David Charvet?  Pre-Rock’n’Jock Basketball? (not the little kid)

08:25: Hey, Stacey’s boyfriend Craig, it’s kind of creepy to sneak up behind someone and motion to total strangers not to say anything.

09:10: I loved Ernie Sabella’s work as Timon and/or Pumba.

10:24: And then sometimes Dustin Diamond is just ripping off Mr. Bean (or was it the other way around????)

11:14: Avocado salad?  Boy, this show sure was way ahead of its time.

12:15: Zack, we’ve seen enough of your “Kelly?  Kelly who?”, “Stacey?  Stacey who?” act.  It’s just douchey.

15:20: Tiffani Thiessen’s finest comedic work right here.

15:50: “I’d like you wear my fraternity ring.  Now you’re my girl forever [fist pump].” Somebody misinformed Craig about the significance of a fraternity pin.

17:00: Do you think they consummated the pinning?

17:30: Fuck you, Craig.  You’re not as bad as Jeff, but still, fuck you.

18:20: You guys know that ATVs are super dangerous right?

19:30: Kinda surprised they actually let Tiffani Thiessen ride her ATV.

19:45: You know, Stacey, you can just say, “Hey, Craig, I don’t want to go with you.  You’re a douche.”

20:30: Not to be a buzzkill, Zack and Stacey, but don’t you think four episodes is a little quick to say “I love you?”  You two barely know each other.

5:22pm, Episode 14: “Fake IDs”

00:30: Finally!  That jerk Jeff will get his comeuppance.

01:45: Ha!  Slater sounds gay.

02:30: Really, you believe that Zack goes to USC?  Why would a college student be hanging out in a diner in the parking lot of a high school.

03:15: We look younger at 27 than Zack did at 16.

04:00: The camera might love Jeff, but we hate him.  HATE HIM.

05:30: A sleepover on a school night???

06:30: Cool bolo tie, Slater!

08:50: Jessie is a great dancer!  We know all too well.

09:55: FUCK YOU, JEFF.  You break up Zack and Kelly and then mess around with some blond tramp on the side.  The utter gall.  We hate you.

11:50: Arrggghhhh.   Jeff.

12:40: Fake IDs are a pretty mild transgression as far as this show goes.  Almost didn’t even realize it until Jessie chastised Zack for having one.

13:00: Did Kelly just call “maggot mouthed?”

13:45: You’re the scum of the Earth, Jeff.

14:40: You know what’s crazy?  If we went back in time to this episode and said “Hey Zack, do you have any DVDs?” he would have no idea what we were talking about.

16:20: Yes, Kelly, it’s true.  Jeff was there.  Why would he do that to you?  Because he’s a maggot mouthed jerk, that’s why.

17:15: Hey, Mrs. Morris, you know that Puff the Magic Dragon is about pot right?  Yeahhhh, you know.

18:25: “Check it out, Jeff the jerk.”  RIGHT ON, LISA!

19:30: “I broke up with a great guy for you.”  YEAH YOU DID!

19:53: That’s right, Zack.  Swoop on in there.  WHERE YOU BELONG.

20:25: GOODBYE, JEFF.  FOREVER.

21:00: Jason Sudeikis?

21:10: Nahhh.

21:30: So the boys get in trouble but the girls get to stay?  That’s really not fair.  Pick it up, Mrs. Morris.

22:00: We were so happy when this episode aired, finally ridding Kelly of Jeff.  Now, we weren’t thrilled that Zack was into this college girl Danielle, but now that Kelly was single again, and she realized what a huge mistake she had made, we had hope.  And hope is a powerful thing.

22:30: And we’re still happy about this episode.  So happy we’re going to watch the end again with commentary.

5:55pm, Episode 15: “Boss Lady”

00:33: Just two more beach episodes to go.  Why we have so much antipathy towards these episodes now, we don’t know, we just do.  Same reason we like Apple Jacks.

02:55: The inmates are running the asylum!

03:33: This is just like the time we were in charge of ordering lunch for the office and we began to let everyone write down their individual orders until 20 minutes had gone by and only four people and seen the menu and I just snapped and ordered a bunch of pizzas instead.  Being the boss is tough!

04:30: I think the guy playing Mr. Richter was Hollywood’s foremost Richard Dreyfuss impersonator.

08:50: A Hispanic kitchen staff.  Classic.

09:23: When I was younger I didn’t get all the subtext in this episode about class oppression and workers rights and labor unions.  Too early to tell, but this might be Saved by the Bell’s subversive argument for Marxism.

11:50: If I were to go on strike I wouldn’t just sit on the kitchen floor.  I’d almost definitely go to the bar.

12:00: “Nice job, Terminator 3.”  How did Slater know????

12:49: Boy, what else can go wrong?  Murphy’s Law man, Murphy’s law.

14:00: The help is just LOVING this.

15:00: I can’t believe the kitchen staff caved.  They had Stacey right where they wanted her.  In the kitchen.

15:30: Something we’ve wanted to note about this season: distinctive lack of fantasy sequences.  And Benny Hill homages.

18:00: You know, the Thornhills waited 50 years for this day and you try to kick them out in an hour.  That’s really not cool, guys.

19:30: “Aw, fuck it.  Let’s dance!” – Mr. Richter.

20:15: “The fact that you double booked this room and ruined my daughter’s sweet sixteen was totally ameliorated one minute of dancing with that lifeguard.  Bravo!” – Mr. Richter.

6:19pm, Episode 16: “Pipe Dreams”

00:00: Saved by the Bell‘s most socially conscious episode.  They were way ahead of the game on the whole “green” thing.

01:30: “That’s a misconception.  Frogs do you not give you warts.  Masturbating does.” – Dr. Phelps.

2:45: “OF COURSE you can bring this duck home with you, Zack.” – Dr. Phelps.

04:35: Twenty-sixth fantasy sequence! Richest school in the world.  Welcome back, transparent pink border!

06:55: Don’t joke about Kelly marrying Screech.  Not even in a fantasy.  Just don’t.

08:00: You know CalStar CEO Dan Grayson is a dick because he’s wearing cowboy boots.  And a bolo tie (second bolo tie this season!).

09:35: Actually, it looks like Jessie and Grayson share a closet.

10:45: Zack’s white hi-top sneakers always seemed somewhat incongruous with the rest of his attire.

12:45: “Sorry students, we only had enough animals for the cool, popular kids.  You know, the ones that are allowed to talk.” – Dr. Phelps.

15:00: The worst aspect of this episode is not that cute, defenseless animals lost their lives but that Jessie was right.

15:55: I think Mr. Phelps just huffed.

16:30: “Mark-Paul, just make sure not to get any of this fake oil in your hair.  It will NOT react well with all that blond dye.”

18:20: Got to admit, that miniature model of the new Bayside looks pretty cool.

18:30: “Where’s the football field?”  Um, AC, it’s right there.  Like the biggest thing in the model.  God.

19:15: You know Zack means business when he puts his shiny green blazer over his neon red t-shirt.

19:40: What exactly is a “state of the art” cafeteria?

21:00: I wouldn’t say you’re “covered” with oil, Grayson.

21:22: “GET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR SCHOOL, GRAYSON.” – MR. B.

21:30: “These six students have spoken, and what they say goes!” – The school board.

22:00: Just realized that this episode is a lot like “The Fabulous Belding Boys,” just instead of Rod Belding making empty, dangerous promises, it’s oil.

6:45pm, Episode 17: “The Last Weekend”

00:00: Finally, the last Malibu Sands!

00:10: I guess we just can’t get behind Zack having a multi-episode relationship with anyone other than Kelly.

01:21: It seems like just last week we started these beach episodes and now the summer is over.  Just like that.

03:15: Guys, just fuck already.  Just not in the break room, please.

04:55: This old woman is impossibly shaped.

5:30: Ladies and gentleman, Jordan Christopher Michael, better known as delightful scamp Rusty on Full House (and, with those three last names, no doubt a future serial killer).

07:00: “You can’t ground me.  I QUIT!”

07:44: “Wait, so we’re all building one sand castle?  There’s no contest?  Forget that.  I’m getting a pina colada”

10:24: Zack and Stacey all alone on the beach in the middle of the night.  Is this when they get murdered?

13:00: Uh, oh, I think it’s that time of the month for Mr. Carosi.  You know, the end of the month when he has to pay his staff.  He’s always a grump around then!

14:30: Hey, guys, I think Zack tricked you into talking to each other.  But how can we be sure???

15:30: “Okay, so everyone who isn’t’ Zack, Kelly, Slater, Jessie, Screech or Stacey, GET OUT OF THE PICTURE.”

16:20: Ladies and gentleman, Denise Richards.

16:50: Why are you yelling, Denise Richards?

17:55: The second of three luaus on this series.

18:30: Oh, good, Denise Richards is going to Bayside.  We’ll see a lot more of her FOR SURE.

18:40: When did Slater and Jessie break up?  Aw, who cares.

19:20: Don’t tease Rusty, Kelly.  It’s not nice.  He really will call you when he’s 16.

20:10: Awwww, now Zack is Mr. Carosi’s favorite!  Did NOT see that coming.

21:15: Zack and Stacey say goodbye.  Had absolutely no investment in this.  As far as we were concerned this was just an inconvenient in the bump in the road back to Kelly.  GOOD RIDDANCE.

22:30: “Need a friend?”  “How about five friends?”  “Sure, but could one of them not be Screech?”

23:10: Goodbye, Malibu Sands!  90210 can have you all to its self.

7:15pm, Episode 18: “Date Auction”

01:30: Ladies and gentlemen, not Melissa McCarthy.

02:30: Flesh peddling!

03:00: Glorified meat-market!

03:10: Saved by the Bell really is just a parable for backwards, primitive nations committing crimes against humanity.

04:10: Wait, so Brian is like a cool nerd?  I mean, he has glasses, so he’s a nerd right?  But where’s his frog voice?  And bow tie?

04:50: Scott Wolf!

05:10: Scott Wolf totally could have gotten a job at a real diner with all this experience.

05:25: How is Kelly still working at The Max after breaking up with Jeff?  Seems like a terrible, precarious situation.

06:00: Threats of violence!

07:00: Look!  Another black girl!  Because apparently it would have been too edgy to have a white girl bid on Brian.  Told you, Bayside is just another backwards country.

08:35: Twins!

08:55: Oh, but the black girl can bid on Zack, huh?  C’mon, Bayside, it was the 90s.

09:25: Why did Wendy take so long to bid her $100?  She was standing there the whole time.

09:45: OH NO! ZACK HAS TO GO ON A DATE WITH THE FAT GIRL? (Also, giving her the name “Wendy,” guess they thought “Bertha” would have been too on the nose).

10:45: Zack, get outta there quick!  If someone sees you having lunch with Wendy then you’ll lose all your cred!  She’s fat!

11:45: Lisa, you may be an airhead, but you’re ready to go for Oprah’s next Legend’s Ball.

12:00: Kind sounded like Lisa said she was in the library reading “Toy Story.”

13:00: I seriously pulled a neck muscle.  For real.  This is not a ploy to avoid going to the dance with Wendy.  It’s really uncomfortable.

17:00: Wendy, don’t turn down Zack’s offer to dance!  You might not get another opportunity.  Take what you can get! (cause you’re fat)

17:45: This Brian’s a real douche.

18:00: But it’s good to know that if Alfonso Ribeiro ever left the Fresh Princethey had the perfect replacement Carlton waiting in the wings.

19:00: Slater, you know that just because Jessie didn’t win you at the date auction doesn’t mean you can’t talk ever again.

19:40: “And Jessie’s worse.  What a pseudo-intellectual neurotic.”  Well, Brian did pretty much hit that one on the head.  Score one for Brian! (still a douche).

20:40: Bayside High School, home to Southern California’s only one-person cheerleading squad. “Ladies and gentlemen, the Bayside cheerleader!”

21:20: WHAAAAAAAAA???? Zack didn’t let Lydia cut in?  But she’s blond and skinny and Wendy is fat and has poor fashion sense.  What a twist!

22:10: But don’t tease her Zack.  We all know you’re just going to ditch Wendy at The Max.  Better not to get her hopes up.

7:40pm, Episode 19: “All in the Mall”

00:05: This episode!!!

00:10: Seriously though, as a kid it seemed like a really daring move to set an entire episode in the mall, taking us out of our Bayside comfort zone.  The beach episodes were one thing, but this is an entirely different beast.

01:30: First U2 reference?  We think.  Maybe second?  Or maybe we’re thinking of UB40.

02:00: It kind of feels like the producers realized they still owed the network another episode, so they brought the cast back after wrapping for the season, but the Bayside set was being used for Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper or something.  So they were like “Hey, a mall set.  Let’s just do something with that.”

04:30: Ah, 1992, when it was totally acceptable for a 17 year-old girl to bear her midriff in public.  Preferably under some kind of denim.

05:30: Why does Lisa dress like a business executive at the Wonka factory?

06:00: Or did they get all her wardrobe from the fashion show in Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead?

07:10: Spoiler Alert!  Those thugs are actually actors and the money is an elaborate prank for a TV show.  But then why do those guys pretend to be panicked when they discover money’s gone?  Zack and the gang don’t see them, so it’s unnecessary.  Just a commitment to their characters?  No.  We say PLOT HOLE!

18:13: WHOAAAA!

10:25: Did they just say “Tower Records” or “Power?”  RIP Tower records.

12:27: “Hot Feet,” the shoe store named in honor of former MLB pitcher and “hot foot” expert Roger McDowell.

12:35: I’m sure the fact that all the shoe boxes are unmarked and identical won’t come into play somehow.

14:15: Talking at the movies?  Dudes, not cool.  Did you NOT see the message before the movie with the crying baby?  C’mon.

15:45: Wow, tiny phone Zack.  It fits perfectly in your high-waisted, 90s mom jeans.

17:30: Sleepover in the mall!  Saved by the Bell’s version of From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.

19:00: “Can the jive, Eddie.” Wonder if that was in the script or Lark Vorhies ad libbed that one.

19:50: Third Kevin Costner reference.  Apparently in 1991 Kevin Costner was the object of every female’s desire, the epitome of male cool (indeed, further research shows that Costner was named one of People magazine’s “50 Most Beautiful People in the world” in 1990 and 1991).

21:45: “Officer those guys are trying to murder us!”  “Sorry!  On a break!”

22:00: “If you look to your left you’ll see three camera men and a boom mic operator.  An entire ENG crew mere feet from you that you’ve somehow not noticed for the last 24 hours.”

And thus concludes Season 3.  A wacky mall episode.