Today Pope Benedict XVI officially resigned from the Church, waving goodbye to the Vatican and the millions of Catholics who believed he was infallible. But what did he do for his last night as Pope? Well, as you might imagine, he celebrated with a big pasta dinner, and things got a little pazzo (like Gallagher show crazy). See exclusive footage here.
When can only hope that the next Pope demonstrates such mercy.
Coffee is my religion.
For years now Regis Philbin has been on a path of destruction, an unstoppable wave of violence that not only has counted many victims, but has also been self-directed, from box-cutter wounds to hip replacement. And today on Today, sitting in for Hoda, Regis admitted that he finally finished the job, doing what God himself couldn’t do.
But, then, if Regis off’d himself how could he be co-hosting the 4th hour, perfunctorily sipping what looked to be a gin-based drink? Well, there’s only one answer: he’s a zombie. Why else would he so readily believe in vampires?
Notice the look of shock and horror on Kathie Lee’s face, truly, genuinely unsure if Reege is kidding or officially senile. We’d be tempted to give KLG points here, if she didn’t conclude that of the two guests it’s Benjamin Walker who plays the title role in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter based on the length of his legs, and not because between him and Anthony Mackie he’s the only white one.
One thing is for sure, Reege has officially crossed the line from lovable old curmudgeon to Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino. For the full final hour of Today, it just seemed like Regis was really pissed that all these strangers were on his lawn.
Wednesday Winesday, y’all!
For the last few seasons we’ve become increasingly irritated by the presence of God, or, rather, some players’ insistence that he (or she!) has some influence on the game of Survivor, from Matt justifying his repeated exile to Redemption Island as part of Jesus’s plan to Brandon Hantz invoking the will of the Lord in his quest to purge Mikayla from the game (and maybe the Earth) because of her fictional harlot tendencies. For one season we can deal with these bible thumpers, but as it became a consistent aspect of the game, it became grating, obnoxious even. Sure, God may love Survivor, but as a true fan he would never get involved. When it comes to Survivor, God is agnostic, and if he had a dog in the fight, it wouldn’t be someone from the God Squad, it would be a rough and tumble champion, like Sophie or Lt. Tom Westman. But even if God had a rooting interest, we were sure that he (or she!) had no impact on the game, just like he has nothing to do with Tim Tebow (unless sending him to the Jets is God’s idea of a holy hilarious joke). However, after this week’s Survivor: One World! we’ve changed our mind. Because if that wasn’t divine intervention, if that wasn’t an instance of God reigning down vengeance from above, we don’t know what is.
Read on: What goes The Worst comes around…
Before we start this off, we need to speak to Kat for a second. Girl, get it together. You bawl at Tribal Council like that one time Robbie Morris told his dad the dirty joke that we had told him at indoor recess earlier that day, and we were sent to bed without TV and ice cream (the joke, if you must know, is entitled “Seymour Upmore.” We’ll let you fill in the blanks). Kat, you need to toughen up. That was just your second of – if you’re exceptionally lucky – many Tribal Councils. But don’t take it from us, take it from Jimmy Dugan.
Got it? Good.
Unfortunately, once the ladies are able to dry their eyes, they’re doused with what was either ten minutes of drizzle or seven days of apocalyptic downpour. Either way, those bitches be WET (of course, one has question Chelsea’s decision to try to wait out the storm in the ocean. Then again, four feet of water probably offers more protection than their shelter. You know, cause chicks can’t build shit (jk, jk!)). But, defying their earlier histrionics, the women remain resolute, refusing to run to the big strong men and their big strong tarp (and the palms fronds the women themselves had woven. It’s kinda like a Gift of the Magi where one person gets totally fucked). Also, they somehow rejected Colton’s offer to cuddle. Now that’s will power. Girls, we had you all wrong.
Until about nine minutes later…
Kirk Cameron just won’t quit. He could have stopped at teen heart-throb. He could have quit at WB star. He could have hung them up after marrying his co-star and adopting four children. He could have called it a day after headlining a Christian film franchise. But Kirk Cameron wouldn’t be Kirk Cameron if he just settled for the status quo. So, in true Kirk Cameron fashion, he’s forged ahead, adding documentarian to his resume, attempting to answer the question “What the fuck happened to America?”
And it looks he finds his answer! Our money is on “too many Jews.”
Our only question is “when will Nic Cage star in the big screen adaptation?”
WATCH YOUR BACK, MICHAEL MOORE!!!
Our Redemption Island journey came to an end Sunday night, and while the home stretch of the season had been rather uneventful and predictable, if economical, we still had the chance for fireworks in the last two hours. Would Rob complete what was unquestionably one of – if not the – definitive Survivor performances, winning it all in his fourth attempt? Or, perhaps, would Matt fulfill his destiny and return from Redemption Island to become the Sole Survivor (if that was God’s will)? Or would Mike, the lone remaining member of Zapatera, the double threat of soldier and Jesus lover, reenter the game and lockup votes from his former teammates? Or would Grant, the remarkable physical specimen, go undefeated down the stretch, the jury rewarding his unparalleled athletic prowess with a million dollars. Or, finally, would Andrea prove victorious in the final Redemption Island duel and surprise us all by going all the way to the end? Well, there’s no way that could happen, right?
Wrong! But could anyone possibly stand in the way of Boston Rob???