Before we start this off, we need to speak to Kat for a second. Girl, get it together. You bawl at Tribal Council like that one time Robbie Morris told his dad the dirty joke that we had told him at indoor recess earlier that day, and we were sent to bed without TV and ice cream (the joke, if you must know, is entitled “Seymour Upmore.” We’ll let you fill in the blanks). Kat, you need to toughen up. That was just your second of – if you’re exceptionally lucky – many Tribal Councils. But don’t take it from us, take it from Jimmy Dugan.
Got it? Good.
Unfortunately, once the ladies are able to dry their eyes, they’re doused with what was either ten minutes of drizzle or seven days of apocalyptic downpour. Either way, those bitches be WET (of course, one has question Chelsea’s decision to try to wait out the storm in the ocean. Then again, four feet of water probably offers more protection than their shelter. You know, cause chicks can’t build shit (jk, jk!)). But, defying their earlier histrionics, the women remain resolute, refusing to run to the big strong men and their big strong tarp (and the palms fronds the women themselves had woven. It’s kinda like a Gift of the Magi where one person gets totally fucked). Also, they somehow rejected Colton’s offer to cuddle. Now that’s will power. Girls, we had you all wrong.
Until like nine minutes later when they run over the big strong men and their big strong tarp (aka Big Mike’s Place), practically begging to warm up by the fire. But what were they to do? They’re just women! Oh, wait, hold on a second.
WHAT?!
Oh, Sabrina. Dear Sabrina. That’s no example to set for the Salami Tribe.
However, the tide is about to change for the women, as they win the Reward Challenge, a purely mental, memory challenge, earning themselves fishing gear they will no doubt instantly ruin, because they are helpless women (and for some reason it seemed like Troyzan was trying to take a dive, letting Kat win (which required about six hours for her to get it right), but that strategy makes absolutely no sense. Which is why we think that probably was his game plan). And how do women celebrate their first victory? By getting soaked and begging to warm up by the fire at Big Mike’s Place again! Remix!
And this doesn’t sit well with Matt. Listen, he’s a caring, reasonable fellow. And normally he’d be happy to let you come warm up by his fire. But when you agree to catch two chickens and split them evenly, and then renege on said agreement as Chelsea did, well, then you make an enemy for life. It’s not personal. It’s just business. And it’s a feeling that’s shared among all the tenants of Big Mike’s Place. You want to warm up by our fire, well, then we’d like to take your canoe out for a spin, maybe, please (before you ruin it). You reap what you sow, ladies (and sew. Because you’re women and that’s, like, all you’re good at).
Wait, hold on one sec.
ALICIA, PUT A SHIRT ON!
No wonder you’re fucking freezing. Also, the boobs thing was last week. Move on.
The Immunity Challenge is the classic blind leading the blind (except that the callers can physically see, they’re just not very good at giving direction). Unfortunately, the blindfolded Survivors are not retrieving giant puzzle pieces that could inflict major injury, but, instead, small bags containing your more run -of-the-mill puzzle pieces. Not that there wasn’t some danger…
Bill, dude, Colton’s not even participating in this challenge! (#gayjoke)
And, wait, didn’t Monica say she wasn’t going to do a pole dance? Hypocrite!
But, to be fair, Billy Crystal’s Third Little Pig doesn’t have much better luck leading his tribe.
Obviously the dudes far outpace the girls, collecting all their puzzle pieces in rapid succession, and Bill quickly solves the puzzle, cementing another easy victory for the men.
WAIT, WHAT???? NO?!
Bill, perhaps taking a page out of Troyzan’s playbook, seemingly decides to wait until Sabrina catches up and then tries to cheat off her. Which obviously makes no sense, which is why we think this was probably his game plan. Nevertheless, the Salami Tribe mounts a truly improbable comeback, and the men go home LOSERS (but, to be fair, women are so good at puzzles because they stay home all day working on 1000 piece unicorn jigsaw sets while the men are out earning money, paying for those unicorn jigsaw puzzles, right?).
So it’s back to Big Mike’s Place, and, for the first time, the men need to think about playing the game. Matt for one, is ready. He’s been waiting his whole life (3 days) for this. Meanwhile, Colton ensures his emeritus status as The Worst.
Unfortunately, though, Colton still has the Idol (thanks for that, Sabrina!), which means he remains King of the Misfits, garnering allegiance from Tarzan, Troyzan, Jonah, Leif, Little Mike, Fat Mike, Spanish Big, McMike, Greg Mike, Smelly Mike, Red Mike and, new member, Jay. But even though Colton is hell-bent on getting rid of Bill because he’s “wishy-washy” (read: Black), the rest of the “average Joes” push for Matt, who is not in that alliance, and who is not a Mike. Matt gets wind of the tide turning against him, so he corners Troyzan and starts going on about poultry again.
We cry fowl!
With both Bill and Matt’s turkey necks on the chopping block they head to Tribal Council, where Bill promptly does the unthinkable: make Colton seem justified.
Dude! Chill the fuck out! You’re like an uncontrollably giddy Dane Cook (no offense to Dane, whom we were going to defend in a post we never wrote). Somehow though, Bill’s Excellent Adventure doesn’t end there with that performance (where did he get speed from?), and Matt is sent packing. So much for the muscle. It could be a risky move, getting rid of one of the strongest players so early. Then again, he was also one of the most dangerous, cockiest, douchibaggiest players on the tribe, so probably a good move. Also, they still have Big Mike!
REMEMBER MATT, TOO MANY POULTRY ANALOGIES SINK SHIPS. SO DOES ACTING LIKE AN ARROGANT TOOL.
Which bring us to our ABC of the week (actually, an ABCC):
Always Be Cuddling with Colton
Because, as much as we hate to admit it, Colton has the power right now, and Matt got on his bad side, by virtue of not getting on any of his sides. Yes, Colton despises Bill more (and we now understand why), but Matt is pretty much the anti-Colton, and with the Idol in the gay Republican‘s pocket that pretty much spelled doom for the head rooster. Big Mike’s Place just got a little less Matt (and douchey).
Oh, and Tarzan, we love you.
Colton, you’re still the worst.
Jumped The Snark 