We made a joke last week in our Survivor: ONE WORLD! recap about girls having tiny brains, just not having the mental capacity to compete with the male sex. But, hey, that was all in good fun. And we would never legitimately call these women or any women dumb. But Nina -a women herself – has no problems doing so. And she pretty much does so for forty-four minutes in this episode. Also, Kat is really dumb. We know what we said three sentences ago, but, empirically, scientifically, she’s a numskull. Our word, not Nina’s (her’s was “nitwit.” Also accurate).
But do you know what Kat also is? She’s a master of fire, and she wastes no time in picking up where we left off last week, telling us that no one touches the fire but her, not even the men who were so chivalrous enough to keep the Salami Tribe’s fire going while they were off at Tribal Council bickering and voting off no one. Because even if the fire went out, she could start it right back up. No big.
Tell em, Kat!
Things are starting to fray at Salami, but Alicia’s not worried. A) She’s won’t be weighed down by appropriate fitting clothing, and B) she’s got her alliance.
But Alicia’s not alone; Nina sees the tribal lines just as clearly (plus, she’s a retired LAPD officer, so she’s used to dealing with fierce bitches).
Oh, wait, HOLD UP! A Bigfoot sighting!
Despite the blurry specter of a Yeti, things are going smoothly over at the dudes’ camp (we’re going to go ahead and call it “Big Mike’s Place,” because, well, we like calling it “Big Mike’s Place). Model Jay seems particularly pleased with the way Big Mike’s Place is shaping up.
Colton, on the other hand, is not enjoying the state of things at Big Mike’s Place as much. Sure, there’s a newly won tarp (for being better at untying knots), some expertly weaved palms fronds (thanks, ladies!) and a Kat-free fire, but, still, Colton feels left out, like he’s not one of the men (newsflash, Colton: it’s not because you’re gay, it’s because you’re fucking terrible). So Colton runs off to the Salami Tribe and asks if he can hang out with them, because, well, he has no place else to go.
But, flying in the face of everything else in this episode, the girls are smart enough to break his heart and refuse his company. Colton, perhaps now is a good time to tell a story: When we were a young boy, about six or seven, there was another boy in our neighborhood who would call us on the phone everyday after school and ask if we could come over and play. The answer, invariably, was no, we could not. Did we have any reason why we couldn’t go play with that kid? Beyond simply not wanting to because the kid was lame, no, we did not. And this went on for the majority of the school year, maybe even for years, until, one day, the kid finally got the hint (we assume). So, Colton, get the hint.
But WAIT, another Bigfoot sighting!
Feeling lonely and unwanted, Colton, out of desperation, whips out his idol in the middle of the night (gross). Surprisingly, be makes a big power move, and somehow brings Leif, Jonas, Tarzan, Troyzan, and over to his side. Even more surprisingly, he inspires Jonas to declare that “Colton’s making Russell look like a schoolgirl.” No, Jonas, Colton is making Colton look like a schoolgirl.
But, to be fair, Jonas was super high.
But maybe Colton was right with his brag that they should call it Survivor: Colton’s World, as it appears that he’s required that Jeff’s choice of denim perfectly match his polo.
You too, Probst? Then what hope do the rest of us have?
The ensuing Immunity Tribe required each team to squeeze by each other on a balance beam, touching no more than one person at a time. Seems like the girls would have an advantage, what with their extensive gymnastics training and all. But they forgot about one thing (something we never forget about): BOOBS.
Survivor producers, have you been reading our diary? Because you lifted that line directly from it.
Despite Monica’s attempt to make up for Kat’s ineptitude, taking advantage of her strong core to mount a comeback, the men win this one easily. gymnastics, cooking, cleaning, child-raising, is there anything that men don’t do better than women???
So the women go home losers once again, victims of their own heaving cleavage.
Chelsea, you are preaching to the converted. You didn’t need to go through that whole embarrassing display to figure that out. We could have told you that years ago.
ALWAYS REMEMBER, LOOSE BIG BOOBS SINK SHIPS (We bet you thought they make great floatation devices. Well, that maybe true, we were speaking figuratively of the ship sinking thing, of course).
Oh, and speaking of boobs, PUT A SHIRT ON! ONE THAT FITS.
Nina, clearly on the chopping block because of her resemblance to a badly burned Brigitte Nielson, makes her only play at Tribal Council, pointing out, again how dreadfully dumb Kat is. However, Kat is not as dumb as she acts, turning the tables and employing the tried-and-true “I’m new here” strategy, which everyone knows gets you out of speeding tickets, workplace gaffes, and Survivor eliminations. And she adds that this is the first thing she’s ever failed at! Even though she quickly admits that she never tries anything unless she knows she can succeed at it, to which Jeff offers these words of inspiration:
And that’s enough for the majority of Salami, who elect to keep Kat over Nina even though Chelsea concedes that the youngest tribe member offers nothing of any worth, while Nina could probably hunt down the T-800. Oh well. Bye Nina!
Which brings us to our A-B-C of the week!
Always Be Cute
Because, sorry, Nina, you’re just not. And, listen, we like you, but – and we’re not sure what happened to your face after arriving at camp – you look like the offspring of Tilda Swinton and an Easter Island statue. You’re old and tough and smart, and you threatened the younger, prettier, less sickly looking girls. No amount of boobs could ever change that.
We’re going to save our Player-by-Player Odds/Celebrity Look-Alikes for another post, so we’ll leave you with this question? Who’s the worst? Kat or Matt?
Farting someone into the fire?
Or midget tossing?