Yesterday, in a kind of pretzel-logic, möbius strip-like turn of events, a paparazzi captured photos of beloved New Yorker, Yankees fan and celebrity vigilante Alec Baldwin pinning another paparazzi against the hood of a car. The native Long Islander is no stranger to run-ins with the parasitic photographers, and if he ever did run for Mayor, as long rumored despite no political experience or indication that he’s interested in the job, we can rest assured that he’d make cleaning the streets of NYC’s vile, insipid paparazzo his number one campaign promise, and he’d likely exterminate them with extreme prejudice. Which got us thinking, although Warner Bros. just cast Ben Affleck as Batman in the upcoming Man of Steel sequel, wouldn’t Baldwin be perfect as the new Caped Crusader? Early, pre-Affleck, casting buzz speculated that Zack Snyder was looking for someone “established and rugged.” Check and check for Baldwin. In addition, he’s got both the strong, square chin and the requisite raspy Dark Knight baritone. And, as his latest altercation with the paparazzi proves, he’s plenty experienced in disposing of Gotham’s miscreants, thugs and riffraff. Finally, and perhaps most importantly, the guy can fill out a tux like a true billionaire.
Here’s an artist’s rendering of what Batwin would look like:
Plus, The Shadow is one of the few masked crime-fighter movies that was more poorly received than Daredevil, so Baldwin no doubt has something to prove.
In last summer’s The Avengers, the Earth’s greatest heroes contend with an army of otherworldly creatures bent on our world’s destruction, alien soldiers brought to our planet through a portal opened up by supervillain Loki. The rag-tag group rallies together – despite their differences – and manages to save humanity, sending back the Chitauri fleet, capturing Loki and raking in $1.5 billion worldwide. The Avengers was nothing but an unqualified success, a culmination of years of cross-promotion Easter eggs and post-credit teasers. It changed the paradigm of what could be done with a film franchise, something that Warner Bros will no doubt try to replicate with DC’s Justice League. And with Iron Man 3 and Thor 2 on the way this year, and a captain Captain America sequel the next, the Avengers may have served to make its parts greater than the whole, making its super hero stars even more super. However, in closing that rift in space, and doing it with such fanfare, the Avengers may have opened up another Pandora’s Box of sorts, one their super powers and heroism cannot shut.
The Avengers phenomenon, for all the sequel possibilities it opened up for its core members and ancillary personnel, might have actually had an inverse effect on the rest of the Marvel cinematic universe, at least from our perspective. In The Avengers we see Nick’s Fury great vision come into focus, that one day there would be a threat large enough, menacing enough, to require some force or resistance greater than anything S.H.I.E.L.D. or any army could offer. Fury had a hunch that something fierce was coming, and played that hunch in recruiting the team – an arduous process we had seen in and around the individual films since Iron Man kicked this all off in 2008 – and when the time came that there was some truly epic evil, the Avengers would put aside their pride and egos and band together to save humanity.
But there’s an inherent paradox in all of this. If the idea of the Avengers is that they’re needed to combat Earth’s greatest foes, then how seriously should we take the villainy in, say, Iron Man 3. If what Tony Stark is facing – the Mandarin in this case – is so grave and terrible and dangerous, then wouldn’t he call in his new buddies for backup (although, we do assume that The Hulk – but not necessarily Mark Ruffalo – will make an appearance in the film)? After The Avengers the stakes just feel lowered for any non-Avengers movie. Admittedly, it’s a little less clear for Thor: The Dark World, because much of it appears to take place outside of our realm and in Thor’s home of Asgard, but the principle still rings true. If the situation is so dire wouldn’t Thor summon his team if he could? Or else, if he doesn’t need them, then the bad guy can’t be so bad, right?
Of course, you could argue that it’s all a moot point anyway. The approaching enemy forces in these films can be far more powerful and dangerous than the evil in The Avengers, but it doesn’t really matter because we know that none of our heroes will ever be vanquished in their own films. They need to survive until the next Avengers movie. And then live on for their next individual movie. And so on. And so on. And so on…until the whole thing is rebooted once again.
Pi Day is here again, and we’re going it commemorate the way we always do, not by acknowledging that π is perhaps the most important mathematical constant, but by celebrating the only Pi more important than 3.1415, that being, of course, the pizza pie. And who are the only people who love a good pizza pie more than we do? No one. No one does. But who loves a good pizza pie as much as we do? The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Duh! Whether in animated form or pixellated or live-action or live in concert, there’s no questioning the young amphibian fighters zeal for pizza (there is, however, some question about their topping choices). If only eating that much pizza would give us super strength and agility, instead of just making us sleepy and languid.
Let’s just hope that Michael Bay gets the pizza right in the upcoming TMNT reboot. Completely abandoning their original origin and turning them into aliens (and contradicting their very name) is one thing, failing to honor their insatiable love of pizza is a whole ‘nother. That’s heresy.
Lost amid the Downey Jrs. and the Ruffalos and the Johanssons and the Smulderses in The Avengers was the brief but vital appearance of one Ashley Johnson, better known to millions across the globe as Chrissy Seaver. When we first glimpsed her as a [SPOILER ALERT] Noo Yawky waitress in a Noo Yawky diner our Growing Pains Sense immediately went off. But what was she doing in Joss Whedon’s Avengers? Couldn’t be her, right? Wasn’t that shade of blonde just a bit too golden for Chrissy Seaver?
Well, we’re happy to say, Yahoo confirmed it. That was just the right shade of blonde for Chrissy Seaver and that was Ashley Johnson in the supporting role. To celebrate her long-awaited comeback, why not take a look back at her earlier work?
…Natalie Hershlag or נטלי הרשלג or, as she’s more commonly known, Natalie Portman. And, to be perfectly honest, we don’t really have any great Natalie Portman clips for you, but we have been watching a lot of Star Wars lately, so we’ll take the excuse to post probably our favorite scene from the prequels:
Serial misanthrope Greg Kelly of Good Day New York struck again this morning, refusing to grant Rosanna’s request that he flash Spock’s “live long and prosper” hand sign in honor of George Takei’s upcoming visit later in the show. Lighten up, Greg! Just because it’s not Sulu’s trademark gesture doesn’t mean you can’t patronize Rosanna for one measly second. Also, we didn’t realize you were such a Trekkie (Trekker?). Somebody loves Star Trek!
We’re dying to know what Greg said after “So…” as they went into the commercial break. DYING.
In addition, it dawned on us that Greg an Rosanna are like our grandparents (well, we guess more accurately these days they’re like our parents), constantly trying – and failing – to explain to us something that we already know far more about. It would be like us trying to explain relativity to Einstein, or drunken hookups to Snooki (take that, Snooks!). But God bless Greg and Rosanna for always giving it their best shot.
The holidays just keep oncoming. Look at March, giving Late Decemeber-Early January a run for its money as the country’s premiere holiday season. Nice work, March!
Cause today is Pi Day! And, sure, we could take a few minutes to celebrate math. But that’s silly. Nope, here at Jumped the Snark Pi Day is always Pie Day. And who loves pizza more than these guys?
(Well, we’d argue that we like pizza as much if not more than the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but, unfortunately, no one has of yet made a supercut of us eating pizza at various times in various locations. We know, hard to believe. Also, we never liked how cheesy and undercooked the pizza looked in the movies. It was fine for the cartoon, because everything is exaggerated in animation, but in real life pizza shouldn’t looked like it’s topped with Polly-O string cheese.)
Okay, FINE, here’s a pretty great math video. IV hearts!
Today’s search term is “snl pegasus mural,” which means that someone was looking for this middling, often painful, somewhat baffling Saturday Night Live sketch:
Vodpod videos no longer available.
But it’s not our job to just give you what you asked for. No, our job is give you what you didn’t even know you wanted. To show you something better. To light up the path towards brilliance. And with that in mind here’s a far superior Pegasus-related clip from last night’s phenomenal Dungeons & Dragons-themed Community:
From the first ten seconds of this episode you could tell it was going to be special, and it was just another example, in what has become a long line of examples, of how Community is totally redefining what it means to be a television comedy. The way they play with genre while still keeping the characters consistent is a marvel, their ability to reinvent themselves without sacrificing the greater story arcs truly remarkable. Basically, they’ve gone ahead and blown up our conception of a network sitcom, truly breaking new ground, blazing a trail. Freeing Draconis and shining a light on brilliance.
Perhaps there hasn’t been a show that has mixed this much deft comedy with as much genuine heart since Freaks and Geeks. Which is why we would be remiss not to bring you that one of a kind show’s own Dungeons & Dragons-centric moments. In many ways, these stories are two sides of the same coin:
Now if we could only see a showdown between Carlos the Dwarf and Hector the Well-Endowed.
One of our consistently most popular posts is our review of January Jones’ turn as host of SNL from November of 2009, titled January Jones Was the Worst Host Ever on the Worst Episode of ‘SNL’ Ever, so it’s not surprising that among today’s top search terms is “january jones worst host.” But we’re not going to talk about how terrible she was that night (we’ve spent enough time on that), nor are we going to discuss how horrible we thought she was on Mad Men. No, today we’re going to talk about an upcoming January Jones project that we fear might be just as bad.
Earlier this week the first images from X-Men: First Class surfaced, featuring January Jones as the White Queen Emma Frost, and it doesn’t look promising. To Jones’ credit, the whole photo is panic-inducing, not just her part of it (although the look on her face doesn’t help).
To be fair, director Matthew Vaughn has shot back asserting that this is an unofficial photo that does not reflect the look of the film. Which is somewhat reassuring. Still, that doesn’t make us comfortable with the idea of Jones as Frost, and nor does it assuage our concern that once again an X-Men movie has chosen to neglect the many proven storylines in favor of a hodgepodge of plot points and characters from the comics combined with an original narrative. It just seems silly to disregard so many revered and beloved stories. And by setting this film in the 60s, and including characters who appear in the other films or are related to characters in the other films, it totally confuses the cinematic timeline. We won’t get into the geeky specifics here, but this is why bringing a comic book to the screen can be so complicated. In the comic book world super heroes really don’t age, so it’s no big deal for someone to look the same in 1965 as they do in 2005. But it becomes much trickier with movies, and we think setting this film decades before the previous X-Men films invites too many contradictions. But we’ll just have to wait until June to find out.
And come back here then to read our review, “January Jones Was the Worst Actress in the Worst X-Men Film Ever.”