Category Archives: All the sudden I could really go for a Coke

Tyler the Destroyer: Steven Announces Retirement from ‘American Idol’

Everyone is reporting on this, so we will too, even though getting emotionally invested in Steven Tyler leaving American Idol to focus on Aerosmith and kicking ass making no sense is just as silly as getting emotionally invested in Steven Tyler leaving Aerosmith to focus on American Idol and kicking ass making no sense.  But Tyler leaves a big, scarf shaped hole to fill, and it will be hard for Idol to find a replacement who looks so much like our mom and dresses so much like our grandma.

But, more importantly, it leaves Randy, once again, without one of his dawgs.  He had so much admiration for Steven too.

At this point Fox should just combine Idol with Kids Say the Darndest Things and call it a day.

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How Much to Never See the Black Eyed Peas Again?

How about this?  We’ll give you $50 and Taboo vanishes forever?  $30 and will.i.am only appears on one episode of the next American Idol?  Okay, $25 and ap.le.de.ap disappears for a good six months.  Final offer.

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Filed under All the sudden I could really go for a Coke, Count Bleh, Interweb, It's gross.

This Is What An ‘American Idol’ Finalist Looks Like

While there are indisputably some tremendous voices left on American Idol we were thoroughly bored by this week’s Top 24 performances.  Personally, we found both the male and female showcases underwhelming, totally uninspired.  Nothing new, interesting or fun about them.  Pretty much, wake me up when Steven Tyler says something ridiculous.

So we thought we’d offer up a little panacea, and provide an example to the remaining 13 contestants of how it should be done.

Listen to Haley, guys.  Turn that beat around.

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We’re Not Above Finding This Funny

Nope.  Not by a long shot.

But where have you gone, funky Chris Medina?

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Filed under All the sudden I could really go for a Coke, Century 21 Reality, It's gross., Tyranasaurus Sex

‘American Idol’: I Went to Las Vegas and All I Got Was This Lousy Wedding

Remember guy, what happens in Vegas is broadcast to 20 million Americans:

Next time (because you’re probably already divorced by now), here’s how you do a Vegas wedding right.

Also, for some reason we could really go for a Coke right now.  For like three weeks we were craving Vitamin Water, but all the sudden we really want some Classic Coca-Cola and have no idea why.

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Filed under All the sudden I could really go for a Coke, Century 21 Reality, Huh?, Saved by the Bell

Danza Moment of the Week: Tony Danza Never Blocks a Cock, But He Does Play Girls Softball

So before Tony Danza was selling himself to Michael Cera and Martin Starr, he was selling out in commercials for third tier diet colas.  And not only that, but he had absolutely no reservations about stepping up to the plate and teeing off of a thirteen year-old girl.  Tony, we understand that you want to help the team, but that’s straight up cheating.  At least put a wig on, Ladybugs style (actually, that would have been a good Danza movie).  But, don’t worry, Tony gets what’s coming to him for trying to bend the rules.

That’s right, a PULLED MUSCLE.  Serves him right.  Plus a ZING from ‘lil blondie.  What goes around comes around, Tony.  Next time try playing with people your own size.  And your own gender.

Oh, wait, you did.  And you got nailed at home then, too.

And that, Tony, is why you should never slide headfirst into home plate.

[Also, we need to acknowledge what a weird drink Diet Rite is.  “No salt.”  Okay.  Was that a big concern?  We don’t remember that.  Our greater worry is that they’ve replaced sugar (or high-fructose corn syrup) with the chemical-enriched NutraSweet, last seen in our mom’s CareFree gum circa 1991.  Fun fact: Diet Rite still exists!  Now with Splenda! (until they replace that, too)]

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Separated At Birth: ‘American Idol’ Edition

Is Adam Lambert the brunette version of fantasy post-Zack Attack Zack Morris?

Also, Tim Urban, you’re totally stealing Chris Lowell’s act.

aka the Original Tim Urban

Tim Urban American Idol

Veronica can’t be happy about Tim Urban ripping off Piz.  If there’s one person you don’t want to piss off it’s Veronica Mars.

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Filed under All the sudden I could really go for a Coke, Saved by the Bell