Category Archives: Huh?

Bruce Vilanch: Secret 24th Member of the USMNT?

As I mentioned yesterday, I fell hard for this year’s World Cup, watching more soccer than I ever imagined I could, transfixed by matches like Ivory Coast vs. Greece, arranging my schedule around France vs. Switzerland. But even though I watched the majority of knockout games and an entirely unnecessary amount of group games, regardless of the matchup, it was the U.S. Men’s National Team that really stole my heart and refused to let go (despite only winning one of four games, and losing their last two. But we won’t focus on that). I didn’t know much about the team before the tournament, other than that Landon Donovan was not on the team and Tim Howard is really, really good and Clint Dempsey is not Clint Mathis. But by the time the USMNT rolled into Salvador’s Arena Fonte Nova to take on Belgium we could roll off the names Michael Bradley and Jermaine Jones and Kyle Beckerman and DeAndre Yedlin like we had been following the club for years. In a truly abbreviated amount of time the USMNT became our team the way that the New York Rangers are our team, and as we lived and died with the Broadway Blueshirts into the Stanley Cup Final, we felt similarly about the USA squad. And even though the dream only lasted a couple of weeks, our bond was deep, if only so brief.

But a few days ago we stumbled upon Inside: U.S. Soccer’s March to Brazil, an ESPN Films series covering the journey of the USA team from the World Cup qualifiers to their departure for Brasil, and all the roster changes and training sessions and Jürgen Klinsmannisms in between. And since beginning the series I’ve been obsessed. It’s just like in 6th Grade when everyone fell in love with Green Day’s Dookie (or so they professed) and wrote the band’s name on their backpacks with Wite-Out and then discovered their early stuff like 39/Smooth and Kerplunk (except in my case it would have been Billy Joel and collecting all of his albums that predate his Greatest Hits Volume 1 & Volume 2). March to Brazil is the USMNT’s early stuff, and I’m really digging it. Sure, they’re raw and unrefined, and there will be some personnel changes before they settle on the definitive lineup, but the soul is there.

But as much as I’ve enjoyed this series, learning the background of these players that I cheered so hard for just two weeks ago, there was something else that I found absolutely stunning: Bruce Vilanch was a member of the USMNT.

Well, maybe not exactly, but he definitely makes an appearance in Part 2, evidently having traveled on the same flight as Defender Omar Gonzalez. Take a look:

 

Did you catch him? Look again:

Bruce Vilanch Omar Gonzalez USMNT

 

Let’s go in for a closer look:

Vilanch-CloseUp

 

Well, if the one size too small graphic t-shirt and red glasses don’t give it away, then the blond Fry Guy hair sure does. I mean, it can’t be, but it’s gotta be:

Bruce Vilanch

Now, as I said, I’ve watched a Bruce Vilanch-worth of USA soccer and haven’t seen the writer-comedian anywhere else, but is it possible that the Off-Center Square was Jürgen Klinsmann’s secret weapon? Did Klinsmann do what Whoopi and Billy have done before him and Get Bruce? Did Vilanch keep Michael Bradley at ease with his playful, suggestive puns? Did he help immerse Jermaine Jones and Julian Green in American culture? Did he trade hair secrets with Graham Zusi and Mix Diskerud? Or maybe, just maybe, he was making a surprise cameo in Kyle Beckerman’s engagement photos? Whatever the reason, Vilanch needs to be on the roster for 2018.

We’ll never be able to beat the Germans by playing their game. We need to create our own American style, embrace what makes our country unique. Maybe, just maybe, Bruce Vilanch is the key.

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Filed under Freak Out Control, Huh?, Intersection of the venn diagram of things that I love, Match Games, Matt Christopher Books, Monster Mash, What? Too fabulous?

‘Survivor: Caramoan’ – Aw, Nuts!

After the stunning, shocking, game-changing Tribal Council that saw Team Bro play three Immunities and send Former Federal Agent(?) Fillip packing on the previous Survivor: Caramoan, Eddie thought that before everyone started strategizing and scrambling he’d just deliver one of his classic zingers to lighten the mood.

That Eddie. 2 much. And 2 Legit 2 Quit.

But the good vibes don’t last too long. The next morning Brenda wakes up just super cranky. Somebody got up on the wrong side of the bed! Or maybe she saw something that freaked her out. Wonder what that could have been…

More: What terrified Brenda? What gave Dawn diarrhea? And what’s all over their faces???

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Filed under Analysis, Century 21 Reality, Huh?, It's gross., MS Paint, Tribal Council

Parting Shot: Peeples is Peeples

Peeples is PeeplesNo is buildings. Is Tyler Perrys, huh? Is peeples, is dancing, is music, is Craig Robinsons. So, peeples is peeples. Okay?

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Filed under Huh?, Muppets, Parting Shot, The Big Screen

Parting Shot: Electile Dysfunction

Ladies and Gentlemen, we now project me, Brian Williams,  to be the 45th President of the United States. 

 

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Filed under Checks & Balances, Huh?, Parting Shot

And the Gold Medal for Most Awkward Pound Explosion Goes to….

Kristine Lilly and Kate Markgraf from the United States!

Do you see how you just embarrassed Liam McHugh?  On national TV!

Ladies, just not the right time for this.  In fact, there’s never a right time for a televised pound explosion.  It only looks cool when our three your old niece does it (and sometimes when we do it.  Sometimes).  The worst part is that you clearly discussed it beforehand.  The only thing worse than a spontaneous televised pound explosion?  A rehearsed pound explosion.

Note: This is the only acceptable handshake suitable for broadcast:

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Filed under Huh?, Jump Streets Ahead

Today in ‘Today’: Reege is a Zombie

For years now Regis Philbin has been on a path of destruction, an unstoppable wave of violence that not only has counted many victims, but has also been self-directed, from box-cutter wounds to hip replacement.  And today on Today, sitting in for Hoda, Regis admitted that he finally finished the job, doing what God himself couldn’t do.

But, then, if Regis off’d himself how could he be co-hosting the 4th hour, perfunctorily sipping what looked to be a gin-based drink?  Well, there’s only one answer: he’s a zombie.  Why else would he so readily believe in vampires?

Notice the look of shock and horror on Kathie Lee’s face, truly, genuinely unsure if Reege is kidding or officially senile.  We’d be tempted to give KLG points here, if she didn’t conclude that of the two guests it’s Benjamin Walker who plays the title role in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter based on the length of his legs, and not because between him and Anthony Mackie he’s the only white one.

One thing is for sure, Reege has officially crossed the line from lovable old curmudgeon to Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino.  For the full final hour of Today, it just seemed like Regis was really pissed that all these strangers were on his lawn.

Wednesday Winesday, y’all!

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Filed under God Laughs, Huh?, Reeeeeege, Today in Today

One Crazy Weekend

Well, it’s back to the grind after a long, boozy, enjoyable Memorial Day Weekend.  But so much happened!  And all while Lauren was away.  Hard to believe.

(sorry, we just never get tired of this)

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Filed under Huh?, Just because., TV Killed the Music Video Star