Alright, by now you probably know how utterly confusing and mind-boggling and “bum puzzling” this week’s Survivor: ONE WORLD! was, so we’re getting right to our ABC of the week.
Always be CuckooBananas.
Because that was perhaps the most baffling, head-scratching, what the fuck is going on episode of all-time. Of ALL-TIME. It had everything: racism, sexism, donuts, senility, betrayal, stupidity, and the most despicable fucking human being ever to play the game.
Whew. Glad we got that out.
So let’s briefly take a step back and start from the beginning. This Survivor: ONE WORLD! starts with Team Muscle in tatters. Matt’s gone, Big Mike is sad, and Jay and his skimpy tangerine tank top have already jumped ship. On the Average Joes’ side, things are looking pretty good, especially when Jonas reveals a secret he’s been hiding this whole time.
BOOM. That’s two bombshells. First, he’s from Hawaii, and, second, he knows just the right way to make love to a net. Cool, dude. (but we really want to know is when Tarzan is going to reveal his secret: he’s always been on the island. Whoooooaaa).
At the Reward Challenge the winner will have their pick of patio furniture, a tarp (the better to double-bag Big Mike’s Place) or donuts, and the girls seem to go extra crazy at the sight of the latter. Just the mere thought of those sweet breakfast desserts has an immediate effect on Kat.
Yes, Kat. We all smell that.
Gross.
Unfortunately, her tactics seem to disorient Tarzan, who has trouble identifying his own teammates.
Oh, who are we kidding? If we’ve learned anything from this season – and especially from this episode – it’s that Tarzan is insane. The fact that he got Jonas’ name so close is the real surprise.
Unfortunately, in this slingshot-bingo challenge, the following didn’t happen to Colton, reinforcing the fact that there is no God, at least when it comes to Survivor.
There is no justice.
And there will also be no chaise lounges at Big Mike’s Place, as the Salami Tribe wins this one, and, shockingly, they chose the tarp over the plate of donuts (over Kat’s objections, we’re sure). Of course, if you listen to the men, they only lost because the women were lucky, and not owing to the fact that they were clearly more skilled at knocking out the squares. 99 times out of 100 the women would win, but only because of luck.
And then here’s where things start getting the worst. Because Colton, already the runaway winner for the worst, is the fucking worst. Leif makes the “mistake” of telling Bill that he was originally earmarked to go home before the rest of the Average Joes (Leif, Troyzan, Tarzan, Jonas, Skinny Mike, Lil’ Mike and Hairy Mike) convinced Colton to eliminate Matt, and this is how to Colton responds.
YOU’RE THE WORST.
Colton, leave the making fun of Leif to us when we’re watching on our couch, because when we do it’s charming. When you do it, it’s sickening (like just about everything you do). At least Leif was ready for the big game.
But, despite the tension between the Average Joes, and despite the fact that Tarzan doesn’t know his teammates names, and despite the fact that the women prevent Kat from working on the puzzle, the male tribe jumps out to a huge lead in the Immunity Challenge, and you know when the men get ahead they ALWAYS hold on (unless…). Oh, wait, hold on one second.
PUT A SHIRT ON. ONE THAT FITS.
Also, try to solve maybe the simplest puzzle in Survivor history in less than fifteen minutes.
But, unfortunately for Alicia and her wildly ill-fitting top, her and Chelsea are unable to satisfactorily solve said puzzle (even after trying to cheat off the men, despite Tarzan’s loud protests), and the men win easily. And celebrate with the ceremonial Passing of the Leif. Yay!
No Tribal Council for the men tonight! All good vibes! Let’s just hang out and enjoy each other’s company.
Oh, wait. No?
Nope. Instead of relishing their victory, the men immediately start sabotaging themselves, starting as soon as Bill approaches Colton about the green polo’d one’s disdain for the stand-up comedian. Colton The Worst – Take 19:
And here’s where things just get plain dumb. You know what’s the worst possible idea anyone can consider in the game of Survivor? Building a shelter under water? Even dumber. Relying on God to save you? Even dumber. Nope, the worst possible idea is going to Tribal Council when you don’t have to. And guess what? That’s what they do! Because they decide Bill is toxic and he has to go home. But then they also decide Leif betrayed them and he must go home. Boy, seems like you guys have a lot of figure out before you go to Tribal Council when you don’t have to. But that’s not the Average Joes way.
There’s absolutely no benefit to voluntarily cutting your numbers, and most of the tribe, including the majority of the Mikes get this. Even if Bill (or Leif) was a serious problem, posed a serious threat to tribe integrity, you still just grin and bear it, and vote him off when you have to, not give the other tribe, the tribe that you just demoralized in the last challenge, the tribe that is starting to splinter, a gift. But that’s what they did. They gave the Salami Tribe a gift, a stay of execution. This isn’t shooting oneself in the foot, it’s shooting oneself in the face.
And as if it couldn’t get any crazier, and Colton couldn’t get any worse, we get to Tribal Council. And it must be seen in its entirety, because it might just be the most jaw-dropping, cringe-inducing, idiotic ten minutes in the show’s 24 season history.
Vodpod videos no longer available.Here’s the note we jotted down after that mess:
Because, really, WHAT? Here’s what we could gleam from that debacle:
1. Colton is the worst. Just the fucking worst, and keeps plummeting to new depths of the worst.
2. Tarzan hates making things about race, and is probably racist.
3. Apparently no one suggested the idea of voting off Colton, because even though he has an Idol he seemed to have no intention of coming down from Mt. The Worst and playing it.
4. Instead of mending their inner strife, the Average Joes only served to exacerbate it.
5. Colton’s the fucking worst.
Great job, guys! Can’t wait to see what you do next week.
ALWAYS REMEMBER, VOLUNTEERING TO GO TO TRIBAL COUNCIL SINKS SHIPS. IDIOTS.
Also, Leif sleeps in a box.
See you later!
Jumped The Snark 