After the stunning, shocking, game-changing Tribal Council that saw Team Bro play three Immunities and send Former Federal Agent(?) Fillip packing on the previous Survivor: Caramoan, Eddie thought that before everyone started strategizing and scrambling he’d just deliver one of his classic zingers to lighten the mood.
That Eddie. 2 much. And 2 Legit 2 Quit.
But the good vibes don’t last too long. The next morning Brenda wakes up just super cranky. Somebody got up on the wrong side of the bed! Or maybe she saw something that freaked her out. Wonder what that could have been…
Or, perhaps, Brenda is just having an existential crisis. The lack of food, water and sleep, the blind sides, the Brandon Hantzes, the blurred penises, it’s all making Brenda question her place in the game and in the universe and, really, just ask why?
Of course, Unlikely Voice of Reason Dawn Meehan is there to calm Brenda down, reminding Brenda how reasonable and matured and totally not insane Dawn was she lost her retainer just days earlier. But do you know what makes everyone feel better? Well, if you’re Dawn it’s beetle larvae and shipworms and Native American war cries. But if you’re anyone else it’s the (non-gross) food auction!
Well, if you want to split hairs, that was kind of a haiku. But we don’t want to be dicks about it.
The important thing is that people gonna eat. And Brenda can’t wait.
Even though Malcolm is a charter member of Team Bro – he’s not just the president he’s also a client – he’s somewhat of a one man wolf pack, knowing that he’s the biggest target and kind of on his own. In that way, he’s like Penner last season, who played much of that game as a very vocal free agent, doing whatever it took to get by Tribal Council to Tribal Council. And much like Malcolm learned from Penner to find all the balls for his tribe during a Reward Challenge, Malcolm knows he needs every advantage possible. With that in mind, he wisely vows to save his auction money for an all-important clue, no matter what Probst throws his way.
Wait, what was that, Jeff? Beer and…? Judging by how quick Malcolm responded, we’re starting to understand what Corinne saw in him.
When we were young and visited Disney World, the park featured a non-televised version of Let’s Make a Deal, for which our father was lucky enough to be selected as a potential participant We’d love to say that he was offered some item by the Monty Hall stand-in and either stuck with his first choice or chose door number two (or door number three) and won some awesome prize. But that didn’t happen. Instead he spend the whole time in the contestant pen acting foolish, embodying the Tweedledee costume he was given, meekly and frivolously raising his hand instead of emphatically pushing for selection, demanding to be chosen. Why do we mention this? Because it haunts us to this day. He could have won anything. Even a boat. But also because in this Survivor version Reynold actually makes it on stage, wins an item but is offered a choice of two others. Cochran, a student of all game shows, tells him to make the deal, see what’s behind one of those doors. Reynold, however, makes an excellent counter-argument.
However, perhaps Reynolds should have listened to Cochran, because in staying with his original choice (as is the preferred multiple choice history test strategy) he only came away with one slice of delicious, fresh, homemade pizza, crafted with only the finest local Caramoan ingredients and baked by one of the Filippines many famous pizzaiolos (that must be where they’ve all gone). Or a single uninspired slice of DiGiorno. One of the two. But Sherri, showing off her experience as a successful fast food franchisee, swoops right in and offers her full $500 cache for the rest of the pie. With no Shamar’s or Fillip’s to stroke, she’ll have to settle for seven mediocre slices of pizza.
Then Jeff is like “we found all this rice and beans on the ground at the Favorite’s old camp, not really sure how they got there, but hey, Andrea do you want to take floor rice and beans back for your tribe or this mouth-watering, delectable plate of spaghetti and meatballs topped with freshly grated parmesan and a side crispy garlic bread and a refreshing glass of fine pinot noir just for you?” And Andrea is all like “screw you, Jeff. You know I have to take the stupid rice and beans, goddamnit. What a waste of $280. This is SO unfair.”
But it could have been worse for Andrea. She could have been Brenda, who inexplicably held onto her money when Jeff was offering desirable, appetizing dishes, only to bid against herself on a blind item and spend $300 on pig brains. To her credit though, she took it like a champ. Almost too well.
And then Eddie wins a bowl of peanut butter for $200 and things get weird. And gross. Absolutely gross.*
Luckily, everyone had somehow gotten gum in their hair so it made sense that they were smothering peanut butter all over each other. Because otherwise it would be weird to have peanut butter dripping off of your face.**
Oh, look, stick some birdseed on there and you have a human bird feeder.***
Despite immediately squandering a cool Andrew Jackson on beer and peanuts (we think), Malcolm still had enough cash to buy a clue as to the whereabouts of the recently replaced Hidden Immunity Idol, and once all the peanut butter had sufficiently baked into his skin he set out to dig up the friendship bracelet of power. However, Andrea, being the savvy player and annoying teenage girl that she is, knew better than to let Malcolm start aerating the whole island, being certain that if Malcolm did find the Idol somewhere out there (and if he can find two without a clue, who knows how many he can find with one), then Andrea would be likely be the one sent home that night. So Andrea does the sensible thing: finds Malcolm out there in the woods and refuses to leave him alone. What we have here, folks, is a good old-fashioned standoff. There’s just no shaking Andrea.
It’s off the Immunity Challenge, but, really, why even have the competition. No one is going to beat Cochran. Nevermind that he bought an advantage at the auction that gave him a huge leg up. The dude is a challenge monster. Self-proclaimed, but proven time and time (and time again). Can anybody beat Cochran in a test of physical strength? Hard to say. Maybe Team Bro if they combined all their power? Even then, it’s close.****
So Cochran, to the surprise of no one, wins another Immunity Challenge, even with Dawn constantly yapping in his ear. Since that was a foregone conclusion, let’s just listen in to Dawn as she does her gosh darndest to hold up her log.
Malcolm, for some reason, refuses to go back and look for the Idol for fear of giving away its potential location and having someone else – i.e. Andrea – dig right next to him and snag it from his clutches, ensuring his exile. However, without immunity, he was good as gone anyway. In addition, Malcolm wants everyone to think he has an Idol, even if he doesn’t. So the more time he spends out there, with a clue, the more likely they are to think he found the Idol. Instead he rolls the dice on Sherri and Erik, hoping they’ll flip to be at the bottom of a different alliance. Not a terrible game plan, if you assume that those two have a game plan. However, it does not appear that Sherri or Erik have a strategy, other than not making their decision until Tribal Council, or during Tribal Council, or while they write down their vote, or potentially after. They think they hold the power by being swing votes, but they fail to realize that the reason they are swing votes is that they don’t have a strong alliance. That angle can work if you’re able to flip the numbers at some point. But unless they want to join forces with Team Bro, they’re not. For Sherri, it makes sense to be the Fourth Amigo. Eventually, those dudes will decide they won’t want to be sitting at the end with each other, that they are their own biggest threats and it’ll be better to be sitting next to Sherri instead. Malcolm certainly realizes that. Unfortunately, Sherri hasn’t had many Team Bros at her fast food franchises, she just doesn’t know how to deal with well-adjusted, even-tempered, rational young men. Not her usual type of employee.
Wait, we’re sorry, what’s that Dawn?
Well, maybe next time you’ll think twice about spending $500 on chicken. Or eating peanut butter off Erik’s face. Speaking of Erik’s face, he’s really doing a nice job towards turning into a Die Hard villain. That’s the kind of nervous laughter that says “I can be trusted.”
Of course, when you make promises to two different sides, which is what Erik and Sherri did, you can’t be trusted. Inevitably, to be loyal to one alliance, you have to lie to the other. But one has to wonder if that type of play will pay off, should either of those two make it to the end and have to face the jury, as Erik in particular has already flopped a couple of times. In this case, they decide to stay the course, stick with the remnants of Stealth ‘R’ Us, and split the vote between Malcolm and Eddie, just in case Malcolm did find that Idol after all. He did not, and upon a revote that’s all she wrote for Malcolm. The UPN’s hottest new spring sitcom is now just & Eddie.
Sadly, despite a string of legendary moves, we have to say goodbye to Malcolm, who goes off to Ponderosa, where Former Federal Agent Fillip is already sucking out the fun.
ALWAYS REMEMBER, MALCOLM, LOOSE CLUES TO IMMUNITY IDOLS SINK SHIPS.
Which brings us to our A-B-C of the week:
Always Be Combing
Malcolm, you shouldn’t have given up looking for the Idol. Whether it’s the desert or the jungle, never stop combing.