For years now Regis Philbin has been on a path of destruction, an unstoppable wave of violence that not only has counted many victims, but has also been self-directed, from box-cutter wounds to hip replacement. And today on Today, sitting in for Hoda, Regis admitted that he finally finished the job, doing what God himself couldn’t do.
But, then, if Regis off’d himself how could he be co-hosting the 4th hour, perfunctorily sipping what looked to be a gin-based drink? Well, there’s only one answer: he’s a zombie. Why else would he so readily believe in vampires?
Notice the look of shock and horror on Kathie Lee’s face, truly, genuinely unsure if Reege is kidding or officially senile. We’d be tempted to give KLG points here, if she didn’t conclude that of the two guests it’s Benjamin Walker who plays the title role in Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter based on the length of his legs, and not because between him and Anthony Mackie he’s the only white one.
One thing is for sure, Reege has officially crossed the line from lovable old curmudgeon to Clint Eastwood in Gran Torino. For the full final hour of Today, it just seemed like Regis was really pissed that all these strangers were on his lawn.
Wednesday Winesday, y’all!
There’s never a day of Today that goes by without something interesting (or absurd) happening, and not a day goes by without a drink or two. Apparently, they’ve now exhausted more palatable Tuesday Boozeday options and have turned to petroleum. And it quickly goes to Hoda’s head, as she has a real hard time paying attention to Kathie Lee’s riveting childhood tale.
Ladies, you should know by now that the quickest way to get on The Soup is to ask not to be on The Soup.
Also, seems like Hoda’s been taking her cues from Survivor: One World’s Kat:
Well, if you can believe it, it’s now been a year since Arcade Firegate, when Kathie Lee and Hoda stoked the fire of YouTube haters, feeding their insatiable hunger for spewing forth bile and hate. And this year it seemed like a repeat a was inevitable, given the Best New Artist win for (not new artist) Bon Iver. We’re not even sure how to pronounce their name, so it was a forgone conclusion that KLG and the Kotb would stumble over themselves, coming up with at least three or four bastardizations of Justin Vernon’s nom de flume. BUT, as she has all week, Whitney Houston’s passing overshadowed the proceedings, obscuring any confusion the hosts of the 4th hour may have over a band we must assume they think is a weird French singer. Instead, Kathie Lee raises the important questions and makes the significant points, while Hoda simply states the obvious.
We wonder if by “the Bahamas” Hoda meant this.
For things exactly like this:
And Jimmy started off the episode so strong, borrowing “The Word” from Stephen Colbert’s playbook (their rivalry/friendship, btw, has to be one of the best ongoing storylines on all of television right now. Including Dexter (which, we admit, we’ve never seen)). Kiss your mother (or wife) with that mouth?
Alternate joke: if Jimmy wasn’t drunk after playing white wine pong, he most certainly was after that. A quick peck from Kathie Lee alone is enough to exceed most breathalyzer tests. A prolonged smooch like that, Jimmy must have been well beyond the legal limit.
And we thought this was creepy.
Well, with our 2nd breast-themed item of the night, we’re one step away from becoming full-fledged flesh peddlers. Watch your back, all of the Internet’s soft-core porn websites!
Wellllll, no, not really. But it’s really curious that no less than a month ago we posted a video of Taboo, the fifth member of the Black Eyed Peas, visiting the 4th hour of Today and then this past weekend SNL presented a sketch called “Our Time With Taboo and apl.de.ap.” Sure, we hadn’t written any sketch featuring the weird, pale, vaguely Asian, definitely creepy Taboo. And we’ve completely ignored apl.de.ap (wouldn’t even have been able to name him. He’s just be “the one that’s not will.i.am”). But the fact of that matter is that a few weeks ago we were pointing out this somewhat obscure, bizarre pop culture figure, bringing him to the masses, and now he’s the subject of a sketch on Saturday Night Live. First Mark McGrath and Don’t Forget the Lyrics and now this. Where’s the justice? Where’s the honor? So this question is this: Saturday Night Live, have you been reading our diary?
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GUYS! We need to let Kathie Lee and Hoda know if we like their new sign-on!
Frankly, we’re for it!
What do you two think?
Ouch. Although, we would prefer it if KLG & Hoda-woman got on the same page before air. C’mon, gals. It’s 10am. Do you know where your lines are?
Well, it seems that Kathie Lee and Hoda had the same reaction to the Grammy awards as every ignorant, idiotic Facebook and Twitter user out there:
You know that Arcade Fire have been on SNL twice and thus have been in your building probably a half-dozen times, right? Oh, no, obviously not. C’mon, guys. Look around you!
But great zing, KLG! Vaudeville is calling!
Although, we don’t hear you questioning the safety of The Rolling Stones. That could be just as, if not more, dangerous than an arcade fire.