“I know I lied to you and voted you out, but I have no boobs left so have a little mercy.” – Kim
It is somewhat fitting and poetic that in a game defined by boobs – both anatomical and intellectual – it was the least endowed woman who triumphed over her more busty peers (and, no, we’re not talking about Nina). In the end, it’s not what you have here (pointing to our chest), but what you have here (pointing to our head). And whatever Kim may not have or may have lost in her bosom, she certainly more than made for up with her brains (we could also note how she played the game with a lot of heart, but that would require also pointing to our chest, which would confuse the whole point. She also played with a lot of guts, but if we’re going to point to anyone’s stomach, it’ll be Colton’s to giggle at his doughy appendix scar).
More: The road to the final goes through the Valley of the Fallen Mikes…
First off, we apologize for the two-week hiatus. We took, what we consider to be, a well-deserved holiday, and are just now getting back into the swing of things. However, while we were gone Survivor: ONE WORLD! just kept going, including a shake-up at Big Mike’s Co-Ed Dorm that displaced its namesake. With the Salami and Manano-hope tribes merging earlier than anyone could have or should have expected, the game, as Tarzan would say (and does repeatedly), is afoot, and head into this lastest episode with always-a-bridal-shop-owner-never-a-bride Kim at a crossroads: does she stick with her alliance of four with Chelsea, Troyzan and Jayzan, or maintain her gender ties with the original Salami tribe. She straddled both sides for a couple Tribal Councils, convincing Jay and Troyzan to vote out the biggest of the Mikes, but now she must pick her side and reveal her true colors.
For Tarzan it’s all just fun and games, but for the rest of the players this is real.
Read on: Jay’s stomach was bigger than his eyes…
Before we start this off, we need to speak to Kat for a second. Girl, get it together. You bawl at Tribal Council like that one time Robbie Morris told his dad the dirty joke that we had told him at indoor recess earlier that day, and we were sent to bed without TV and ice cream (the joke, if you must know, is entitled “Seymour Upmore.” We’ll let you fill in the blanks). Kat, you need to toughen up. That was just your second of – if you’re exceptionally lucky – many Tribal Councils. But don’t take it from us, take it from Jimmy Dugan.
Got it? Good.
Unfortunately, once the ladies are able to dry their eyes, they’re doused with what was either ten minutes of drizzle or seven days of apocalyptic downpour. Either way, those bitches be WET (of course, one has question Chelsea’s decision to try to wait out the storm in the ocean. Then again, four feet of water probably offers more protection than their shelter. You know, cause chicks can’t build shit (jk, jk!)). But, defying their earlier histrionics, the women remain resolute, refusing to run to the big strong men and their big strong tarp (and the palms fronds the women themselves had woven. It’s kinda like a Gift of the Magi where one person gets totally fucked). Also, they somehow rejected Colton’s offer to cuddle. Now that’s will power. Girls, we had you all wrong.
Until about nine minutes later…
We made a joke last week in our Survivor: ONE WORLD! recap about girls having tiny brains, just not having the mental capacity to compete with the male sex. But, hey, that was all in good fun. And we would never legitimately call these women or any women dumb. But Nina -a women herself – has no problems doing so. And she pretty much does so for forty-four minutes in this episode. Also, Kat is really dumb. We know what we said three sentences ago, but, empirically, scientifically, she’s a numskull. Our word, not Nina’s (her’s was “nitwit.” Also accurate).
But do you know what Kat also is? She’s a master of fire, and she wastes no time in picking up where we left off last week, telling us that no one touches the fire but her, not even the men who were so chivalrous enough to keep the Salami Tribe’s fire going while they were off at Tribal Council bickering and voting off no one. Because even if the fire went out, she could start it right back up. No big.
Tell em, Kat!
Things are starting to fray at Salami, but Alicia’s not worried. A) She’s won’t be weighed down by appropriate fitting clothing, and B) she’s got her alliance.
Read on: The women get a taste of their own medicine. And what’s that in the woods???