Before we start this off, we need to speak to Kat for a second. Girl, get it together. You bawl at Tribal Council like that one time Robbie Morris told his dad the dirty joke that we had told him at indoor recess earlier that day, and we were sent to bed without TV and ice cream (the joke, if you must know, is entitled “Seymour Upmore.” We’ll let you fill in the blanks). Kat, you need to toughen up. That was just your second of – if you’re exceptionally lucky – many Tribal Councils. But don’t take it from us, take it from Jimmy Dugan.
Got it? Good.
Unfortunately, once the ladies are able to dry their eyes, they’re doused with what was either ten minutes of drizzle or seven days of apocalyptic downpour. Either way, those bitches be WET (of course, one has question Chelsea’s decision to try to wait out the storm in the ocean. Then again, four feet of water probably offers more protection than their shelter. You know, cause chicks can’t build shit (jk, jk!)). But, defying their earlier histrionics, the women remain resolute, refusing to run to the big strong men and their big strong tarp (and the palms fronds the women themselves had woven. It’s kinda like a Gift of the Magi where one person gets totally fucked). Also, they somehow rejected Colton’s offer to cuddle. Now that’s will power. Girls, we had you all wrong.
Until about nine minutes later…
Good news, everyone!: Survivor recaps are back (for now, at least. Until we inevitably get pulled away for something like this).
And we start Survivor: ONE WORLD! with even more good news: No more Redemption Island (unless there’s a top-secret Last Chance Redemption Island, but wethinks they’re leaving that for Tom Colicchio), which is welcome for two reasons; 1) the show will return to its classic structure, giving us the enjoyment of separate reward and immunity challenges, and sparing us the pain of watching exiled player after exiled player finding God on the Redemption Island (also, it saves us from enduring someone like Ozzie climbing trees, catching fish, and belting gorilla calls, boasting about how he’s never eaten better); and 2) this will make these recaps at least somewhat shorter, relieving us of the responsibility of reporting on every single Redemption Island duel (however, it does preclude us from making fun of The Real World-Road Rules Challenge, but we’ll try to make up for that in other places. God willing).
So let’s get to it! Survivor: ONE WORLD! starts by revealing that in instead of Redemption Island, this season’s twist is that it’s boys vs. girls, which should have immediately inspired all women to crib from Jenna Morasca‘s playbook, and cautioned the men against such tactics. Instead, when Jeff Probst gives both tribes sixty-seconds to strip the truck they came in on for parts, “Big Mike” takes a page out of Rupert’s book and employ’s the ol’ steal from the other team trick. It’s really Survivor 101, a classic first ten minutes, scrambling for initial supplies move. Frankly, the women should have known better, and their lack of attention was a terrible lapse in judgment that cemented this as a battle of the sexes, and basically sets the course for this season, at least until the first tribal shakeup or the merge. Right now though, it’s boys and girls in the sandbox, pulling each other’s hair, giving (American) Indian rope burns and throwing dirt. In other words, they’re being a bunch of self-possessed, petty brats, which we’re sure is exactly what Survivor and producer Mark Burnett were hoping for.