“I know I lied to you and voted you out, but I have no boobs left so have a little mercy.” – Kim
It is somewhat fitting and poetic that in a game defined by boobs – both anatomical and intellectual – it was the least endowed woman who triumphed over her more busty peers (and, no, we’re not talking about Nina). In the end, it’s not what you have here (pointing to our chest), but what you have here (pointing to our head). And whatever Kim may not have or may have lost in her bosom, she certainly more than made for up with her brains (we could also note how she played the game with a lot of heart, but that would require also pointing to our chest, which would confuse the whole point. She also played with a lot of guts, but if we’re going to point to anyone’s stomach, it’ll be Colton’s to giggle at his doughy appendix scar).
More: The road to the final goes through the Valley of the Fallen Mikes…
Following Troyzan’s exit on last week’s Survivor: ONE WORLD! the vibe was tense back at the former Big Mike’s Co-Ed Dorm, with Kim spooked by Troyzan’s last words to Kat: DO IT. It’s haunted all of our memories since:
But what did he mean??? What secret deal did Kat and Troyzan have? What did those magic words express? Were those the same words that Bill Murray uttered to Scarlett Johansson at the end of Lost in Translation? Were they trigger words intended to set Kat off into a hypnotic state? Well, no, none of those things. He was just rattling the cage. But he did a good job of it. Enough to make Kim, queen of Survivor but always a bridal shop owner and never a bride, nervous about Kat’s continued presence in the game.
More: It’s Family Day! And things get weird.
Quick look back at last week’s Survivor: ONE WORLD! before the new episode airs in a few hours.
First, let’s get right to it, this week’s Who Wore It Best?:
Lorenzo Llamas or Troyzan???
It’s right into the reward challenge, where this week’s reward is, yet again, a trip to a remote tropical island complete with an island meal. So, once again, pretty much the status quo. However, this time Kat gets pissed that always a bridal shop owner never a bride Kim wins the challenge and goes back on her word, taking Chelsea instead of Kat to the island feast. Not fair, Kim! Kat never gets to eat!
More: Hose down the yard cause it’s Slip-and-Slide time!
Another episode of Survivor: ONE WORLD! is coming up oh-so shortly, so let’s quickly take a look back at last week.
Troyzan is down, but he’s not out. And more than that, he’s really loud and annoying about it, with Jay’s departure a clear indication that he’s staring down the barrel of Kim’s gun (and with Kim being a bridal shop owner, we can only assume it’s a very nice, well-fitting, lacy revolver). Does Troyzan see the writing on the wall and attempt to quietly turn the superfluous members of Kim’s army against their lady-master? Nope, he’s just really cranky and obnoxious, totally offended that they dare turn against Troyzan, and pretty much warns everyone that they will live to regret this, and that he will hunt down and murder them and their families, Keyser Soze style. He doesn’t say this per se, but he definitely gives that impression. Hey, it’s Troy’s island, and he doesn’t let anyone forget it.
Read on: Ladies and Gentlemen, start your monies…
First off, we apologize for the two-week hiatus. We took, what we consider to be, a well-deserved holiday, and are just now getting back into the swing of things. However, while we were gone Survivor: ONE WORLD! just kept going, including a shake-up at Big Mike’s Co-Ed Dorm that displaced its namesake. With the Salami and Manano-hope tribes merging earlier than anyone could have or should have expected, the game, as Tarzan would say (and does repeatedly), is afoot, and head into this lastest episode with always-a-bridal-shop-owner-never-a-bride Kim at a crossroads: does she stick with her alliance of four with Chelsea, Troyzan and Jayzan, or maintain her gender ties with the original Salami tribe. She straddled both sides for a couple Tribal Councils, convincing Jay and Troyzan to vote out the biggest of the Mikes, but now she must pick her side and reveal her true colors.
For Tarzan it’s all just fun and games, but for the rest of the players this is real.
Read on: Jay’s stomach was bigger than his eyes…
For the last few seasons we’ve become increasingly irritated by the presence of God, or, rather, some players’ insistence that he (or she!) has some influence on the game of Survivor, from Matt justifying his repeated exile to Redemption Island as part of Jesus’s plan to Brandon Hantz invoking the will of the Lord in his quest to purge Mikayla from the game (and maybe the Earth) because of her fictional harlot tendencies. For one season we can deal with these bible thumpers, but as it became a consistent aspect of the game, it became grating, obnoxious even. Sure, God may love Survivor, but as a true fan he would never get involved. When it comes to Survivor, God is agnostic, and if he had a dog in the fight, it wouldn’t be someone from the God Squad, it would be a rough and tumble champion, like Sophie or Lt. Tom Westman. But even if God had a rooting interest, we were sure that he (or she!) had no impact on the game, just like he has nothing to do with Tim Tebow (unless sending him to the Jets is God’s idea of a holy hilarious joke). However, after this week’s Survivor: One World! we’ve changed our mind. Because if that wasn’t divine intervention, if that wasn’t an instance of God reigning down vengeance from above, we don’t know what is.
Read on: What goes The Worst comes around…
It’s finally here, folks! Our much ballyhooed, frequently teased, oft-delayed player-by-player odds for Survivor: ONE WORLD! And this time we’re sweetening the deal by including celebrity look-alikes. Yes, these predictions are coming five episodes late, but that just gives us better insight and helps us provide you with more accurate, educated odds. So let’s get to it, A-B-C style.
Alicia: If not for Colton, you’d probably take the crown as The Worst. As it is though, the two worst seem to have allied with each other and found common ground in being The Worst. She fashions herself as a villain, and a tough bitch, but she’s yet to truly display the physical or social skills that will get her to the end (she has, however, displayed far too much of her chest, sporting a variety of wildly ill fitting tops). If she sticks with Colton, Team The Worst could actually, grossly, go far, that is if they don’t kill each other first. Odds of winning: 30-1
Read on for the rest!
What continues to astound us about Survivor players, season after season, is how little they understand the format of the game, how they continue to be surprised by surprises they should have seen coming, if only by the precedent set by every season of the show ever. And what’s particularly interesting in a contradictory way is how they’re so myopic in looking so far ahead. By already thinking about the end game – i.e. we have a strong alliance that can take us to the end, or at least to the merge – they fail to acknowledge or comprehend the twists and turns that will come along the way, i.e. a tribe shake up. Because OF course that’s going to happen, ESPECIALLY since the tribes were originally drawn up along gender lines. When you have such a stark contrast between teams, it’s a matter of a when, not if, the tribes will be realigned. By handing over immunity to the Salami Tribe last week the men may have accelerated the tribe shake up, but it was a foregone conclusion to occur sometime soon.
As such, the universal look of shock on the players’ faces when they learned at the beginning of this week’s Survivor: ONE WORLD! that the tribes would indeed be redrawn was shocking, but only because they should have seen it coming. To not have anticipated this shows how clueless these people really are, even Colton, who has self-professed himself to the master of this game.
And what’s up with Monica? In the first episode she refuses to do a strip tease, then offers to do a pole dance in the third, and now this? Lots of mixed signals, Monica (also, are you an ex-football player‘s wife or an ex-football player’s wife? We’re a little confused. Like we said, lots of mixed signals).
Click here to see Monica strip!
Good news, everyone!: Survivor recaps are back (for now, at least. Until we inevitably get pulled away for something like this).
And we start Survivor: ONE WORLD! with even more good news: No more Redemption Island (unless there’s a top-secret Last Chance Redemption Island, but wethinks they’re leaving that for Tom Colicchio), which is welcome for two reasons; 1) the show will return to its classic structure, giving us the enjoyment of separate reward and immunity challenges, and sparing us the pain of watching exiled player after exiled player finding God on the Redemption Island (also, it saves us from enduring someone like Ozzie climbing trees, catching fish, and belting gorilla calls, boasting about how he’s never eaten better); and 2) this will make these recaps at least somewhat shorter, relieving us of the responsibility of reporting on every single Redemption Island duel (however, it does preclude us from making fun of The Real World-Road Rules Challenge, but we’ll try to make up for that in other places. God willing).
So let’s get to it! Survivor: ONE WORLD! starts by revealing that in instead of Redemption Island, this season’s twist is that it’s boys vs. girls, which should have immediately inspired all women to crib from Jenna Morasca‘s playbook, and cautioned the men against such tactics. Instead, when Jeff Probst gives both tribes sixty-seconds to strip the truck they came in on for parts, “Big Mike” takes a page out of Rupert’s book and employ’s the ol’ steal from the other team trick. It’s really Survivor 101, a classic first ten minutes, scrambling for initial supplies move. Frankly, the women should have known better, and their lack of attention was a terrible lapse in judgment that cemented this as a battle of the sexes, and basically sets the course for this season, at least until the first tribal shakeup or the merge. Right now though, it’s boys and girls in the sandbox, pulling each other’s hair, giving (American) Indian rope burns and throwing dirt. In other words, they’re being a bunch of self-possessed, petty brats, which we’re sure is exactly what Survivor and producer Mark Burnett were hoping for.