What continues to astound us about Survivor players, season after season, is how little they understand the format of the game, how they continue to be surprised by surprises they should have seen coming, if only by the precedent set by every season of the show ever. And what’s particularly interesting in a contradictory way is how they’re so myopic in looking so far ahead. By already thinking about the end game – i.e. we have a strong alliance that can take us to the end, or at least to the merge – they fail to acknowledge or comprehend the twists and turns that will come along the way, i.e. a tribe shake up. Because OF course that’s going to happen, ESPECIALLY since the tribes were originally drawn up along gender lines. When you have such a stark contrast between teams, it’s a matter of a when, not if, the tribes will be realigned. By handing over immunity to the Salami Tribe last week the men may have accelerated the tribe shake up, but it was a foregone conclusion to occur sometime soon.
As such, the universal look of shock on the players’ faces when they learned at the beginning of this week’s Survivor: ONE WORLD! that the tribes would indeed be redrawn was shocking, but only because they should have seen it coming. To not have anticipated this shows how clueless these people really are, even Colton, who has self-professed himself to the master of this game.
And what’s up with Monica? In the first episode she refuses to do a strip tease, then offers to do a pole dance in the third, and now this? Lots of mixed signals, Monica (also, are you an ex-football player‘s wife or an ex-football player’s wife? We’re a little confused. Like we said, lots of mixed signals).
Alicia, of course, gets what she deserves for not ever wearing a properly fitting shirt, ending up with an exposed midriff covered in paint and the weaklings that make up the new Manono Tribe. Meanwhile, the revamped Salami Tribe hits the jackpot with Jay, Troyzan, Big Mike, Chelsea, Kim, Lil’ Mike, Kat, Sabrina, Fast Mike, Cheddar Mike and Chelsea. And Probst wastes no time putting the new tribes into the Reward Challenge, a good ol’ game of Leaky Submarine! And the prize? Peanut butter and jelly AND the right to stay at Big Mike’s Place (btw, fuck peanut butter and jelly).
We interrupt this recap for a quick Leif joke: Hey, how’d Leif get to Samoa all the way from the North Pole? Southwest?
Okay, back to the recap: The new and improved Salami Tribe (Team Beauty and Brawn???) surprise no one and take the victory, and celebrate the only way possible:
Hey, hasn’t it been a while since Colton was The Worst? Don’t worry.
Yeah, there we go.
So Team Spicy Salami returns to Big Mike’s Place, where everyone bonds instantly and Sabrina reveals she has a huge hard-on for Kim. Meanwhile, things aren’t looking so good at the new Manono camp, where they will evidently have to contend with a shit ton of snakes.
Also, apparently the concept of homosexuality has yet to reach Hawaii (or sushi chefs):
We interrupt this recap for a cheap STD joke:
Careful, Chelsea, that’s not the first time Big Mike’s caught crabs (right, Lil’ Mike?).
Poor Kim, always a Bridal Shop Owner, never the Bridal Shop.
But Kim’s luck is about to change, as is the complexion of the game, as she basically looks down and finds the Immunity Idol. Which she then stuffs in her crotch, only to immediately share with Chelsea (and possibly give her crabs for the second time that day). PB&J, crabs, roosters, an Immunity Idol, things could not be going smoother over at Big Mike’s Co-ed Naked Dorm. However, over in the Peasant District:
At the Immunity Challenge, Manano has Manano-chance, as it’s a challenge that favors the strong, the smart, the Big Mike’s, and the not midgets. Which isn’t to say that Leif didn’t give it his all, and Colton didn’t have a good time. And Big Mike makes a last-ditch effort for The Worst!
He also does his best impression of Charles Smith in the 1993 Eastern Conference Finals (SPORTS!).
But even with Big Mike’s inability to score from nine inches away, it’s match point for Team Super Salami.
But, really, it wasn’t even competitive, and Big Mike’s Co-Ed Naked Basketball team wins easily, despite a valiant performance from Monica, the who seems to be the only one on Manano with
giant fake boobs a pulse.
So then whom should be on the chopping block for the Peasant tribe? Why, Monica, of course! Because why would they keep around the one player who gives them a chance to win? Foolish! Well, to be fair, Colton makes a superb case for voting out the tribe’s strongest player (oh, wait, no he doesn’t. He just kinda whines and complains and cracks his neck and somehow convinces everyone to get rid of his biggest threat, when they should be getting rid of him, because he’s The Worst. HE’S THE WORST). And somehow Alicia that because she plans to eliminate Monica – this early in the game, when you absolutely need her, when she’s pretty harmless – that she deserves an Oscar for Survivor‘s greatest blindside ever. Alicia, call us when you’re a Southern homemaker who takes in an under-privileged black youth, loves him as one of her own children, and supports him as he beats all odds to play offensive tackle for Baltimore Ravens. Then, and only then, will you get an award.
Yet again, no one seems to wise-up and try to turn against Colton, so the Manano-clue Tribe heads off to Tribal Council, where things immediately get interesting with a surprise visit from Kat:
Good nose, Jeff.
Jeff also has a nose for talent and Tarzan is a rising star. Even if there’s a 50% chance he’s completely insane.
But at least he’s got a good reason for his difficulty with names (and it’s a better excuse than dry mouth). And who knew that he would prove to be ten times more articulate than Leif (apparently, a basic grasp of the English language is not a requirement to earn your phlebotomist’s license)? Another of Tarzan’s hidden talents? Calligraphy!
Oh, wait, SPOILER ALERT: Monica goes home. Because of course she does.
ALWAYS REMEMBER MONICA, BEING FAR AND AWAY THE STRONGEST, MOST COMPETENT, MOST APPEALING PLAYER ON YOUR TRIBE SINKS SHIPS.
Which brings us to our A-B-C of the week:
Always Be Clueless
The players on the new Manono-idea-how-to-play-the-game Tribe are completely inept, and give up on the only person who gives them any glimmer of hope in challenges, all to placate The Worst human in Survivor history. They’re all blindly loyal to Colton, and instead of logically assessing their situation and making a move to oust him – he’s so full of hubris and green polos that he had no plans to play the Idol – they continue to make their tribe weaker while making him stronger. We actually can’t entirely knock Colton’s strategy. He looks across the island and sees a Salami Tribe that has his side beat in every statistical category (save for “incompetency”), so he’s consolidating his power. But without Monica, the chances of Manano-hope winning subsequent challenges has exponentially decreased, which means their numbers will continue to dwindle, even as Colton builds a loyal following of two or three pawns and trench monsters and buffoons. Good luck at the merge to those guys, when they go up against a Big Mike’s Co-Ed Tribe that will be fat from all the crabs. And itchy. Really really itchy.
See you next we….oh no, it’s Bigfoot again! And he’s tanning!