Following Troyzan’s exit on last week’s Survivor: ONE WORLD! the vibe was tense back at the former Big Mike’s Co-Ed Dorm, with Kim spooked by Troyzan’s last words to Kat: DO IT. It’s haunted all of our memories since:
But what did he mean??? What secret deal did Kat and Troyzan have? What did those magic words express? Were those the same words that Bill Murray uttered to Scarlett Johansson at the end of Lost in Translation? Were they trigger words intended to set Kat off into a hypnotic state? Well, no, none of those things. He was just rattling the cage. But he did a good job of it. Enough to make Kim, queen of Survivor but always a bridal shop owner and never a bride, nervous about Kat’s continued presence in the game.
But wait, there’s Tree Mail! And it’s messages from loved ones via the Sprint video phone:
Xtina is particularly moved to see her father, who has recently undergone a kidney transplant and has 5-10 years left to live, and thus sounds like he received a shitty kidney transplant. Perhaps, though, this explains Xtina’s strategy. Maybe she is waiting 5-10 years to actually start playing the game.
Surprise! The loved ones are on the island and they’re going to participate in the Reward Challenge. Tarzan greets his wife the only way he knows how, with a mixture of chivalry and creepiness, bowing before his bride. But Kat trumps that reception, by demonstrating far more excitement to see her cousin than anyone should ever have to see their cousin. Even Angelina Jolie and her weird vampire brother were like “ew” (timely joke).
Yeah, that’s a totally healthy, normal reaction, and a totally healthy, normal relationship (even Survivor Nicaragua Dan and his son are like “ew).
But Kat and her cousin’s creepy closeness pays dividends as they narrowly defeat Kim and her less angular sister, proving that all those hours Kat and her cousin spent in their apartment constructing obstacle courses and blanket forts and spooning was time well spent.
We interrupt the recap for this week’s Who Wore It Best? and it’s a blast from The Worst!
So who does Kat take for (yet another) island getaway? Xtina and her slowly dying dad? Tarzan and Lady Tarzan? Fuck that! Kat wants to party, so she brings along Kim, who is clearly in this game just to have a good time and hasn’t spent every waking (and likely sleeping) second strategizing, and Alicia, because…well…we have no idea why anyone would voluntarily spend time with her and her wild mane and her wildly ill-fitting tops. But such are the decisions made by 22-year-olds, and the kinds of decisions that may haunt 22-year-olds down the road.
And it was a decision that was not lost on the rest of the tribe, who had to abruptly say goodbye to their loved ones and return to Big Mike’s Co-Ed Dorm. “What’s Kat’s problem?” they all wondered, “besides being really immature and shallow and selfish and petulant and inconsiderate?” (need we remind you of this?)
The Immunity Challenge is another test of stamina, basically “how long can you hang on to this railing?” And, shockingly, Tarzan can hang on for more than ten seconds, demolishing his previous best. But this one comes down to Kim and Kat, with Kat determined to finally beat her proverbial big sister. Of course, what Kat doesn’t understand, is that she can’t beat her proverbial big sister. She can’t win.
But that’s no solace to Kat, who immediately launches into a hissy fit sore loser temper tantrum.
And it’s here we realize just how immature Kat is, how fragile her psyche is, and how obsessed she is with beating Kim just once, just so people take her seriously. Basically this:
Somebody has an inferiority complex (it’s Kat!).
And this attitude is enough to give the rest of the players pause, and force Kim to reconsider eliminating Sabrina. It’s a classic Geena Davis-Lori Petty-A League of Their Own scenario, and Kim seriously needs to contemplate the possibility that if Kat can’t beat Kim, she may settle for destroying her.
And, in the end, Kat’s reckless behavior and churlish attitude come back to haunt her, and before her margarita buzz even wears off she’s sent packing. At least she can take comfort in returning to the arms of her cousin (ew).
ALWAYS REMEMBER KAT, LOOSE LIPS THAT DRINK TOO MANY MARGARITAS AND POUT AND MOAN SINK SHIPS
Which brings us to our A-B-C of the week:
Always Be Childish
We went with “Always Be Callow” last week, also in reference to Kat’s juvenile disposition, and had we known that theme would not only continue but get worse, we probably would have saved that phrase for this week. But, alas, we didn’t know, and Kat continued to act more like a 12-year-old than a 22-year-old (and, Kat, “I’m only 22” is not an excuse for acting like a spoiled brat. Did we ever see 22-year-old Andre Agassi throwing hissy fits? Sure we did. But he was secretly balding, so it was understandable).
With only two episodes left, it’s still Kim’s game to lose. Our biggest question as the season nears its end: will Kim turn on Chelsea and instead bring weaker players to the final? We think so. But will it be too late? We don’t know. We’re not psychic. Jeez.