‘Survivor: Caramoan’ – The Say Gay Kid

Survivor Caramoan Michael & CorinneBefore we dig deep into this week’s episode of Survivor: Caramoan – Fans vs. Favorites 2 Legit 2 Quit, we owe you, the loyal reader, an apology. You see, we had gotten so wrapped up in the sad, soul-sucking sagas of Shamar and Brandon that we had forgotten about Former Federal Agent Fillip(?). Specifically, we had forgotten how capable he was of equal soul-sucking, his stewardship of an imaginary corporation (painfully imaginary to everyone else but him) serving to dominate camp life and suffocating other players. We had hoped – erroneously – that the exit of Shamar and Brandon, two divisive but attention grabbing personalities, would open the game up. Instead, it just passed the speaking baton to the equal of three evils. Not that FFAF is complaining, being the singular intolerable, maddening, petulant male personality left only enhances his chances of making it to the end.

However, Fillip has some flaws in his game. Namely, he thinks he’s running some kind of top secret covert operation and explains this to every player he encounters, creating something more akin to a completely obvious overt debacle. But in addition to his delusions of grandeur, FFAF is also incredibly sensitive. He is easily rattled when someone challenges his leadership and integrity, and he demonstrates this trait when the Favorites returned to camp after they evicted Brandon from the house. Wearing the classic tucked in poncho characteristic of all great CEOs, Fillip was so hurt that Brandon said such mean, unprovoked things about him, and no one stood up for poor FFAF. Corinne jumped in too, saying how uncool it was for Brandon to only pick on her and Fill, that she sympathized with Fill’s frustration and anger with the rest of BeKool for not stepping up to the plate. And this made up The Specialist’s mind once and for all: he needs to get rid of Corinne, because her commiseration clearly makes her the biggest threat, for some reason entirely unclear to us. But that’s why he’s The Specialist and we’re just a dude writing a blog and not running a made-up paramilitary organization.

Meanwhile, morale is starting to pickup at the Fans camp, where they had the rare opportunity to not force Reynold to play his Immunity Idol only to find another one the next morning after three minutes of searching. But even with the respite from Tribal, Reynold isn’t feeling too secure. He knows that there’s still a giant target on his back, and if he’s going to survive to the merge he’ll need to get by on sex appeal alone.

But don’t start making that irresistible pouting face just yet, Reynold my man, things are about to change. As spoiled by last week’s teaser, it’s tribe shakeup time, Fans vs. Favorites is no more. Corinne, you can imagine, is shocked.

Jeff hands out some paintball eggs – filled with either orange or purple –  and it’s time to see whose fortunes are about to be changed. But, guys, remember, THOSE WILL STAIN! Just ask Ozzy.

Oh no! Corinne has the time travel sickness!

Corinne Time Travel Nosebleed

And with this twist, all bets are off. Let’s turn to some expert analysis:

Clearly, the retooled Goya tribe is STACKED. Malcolm, Reynold, Eddie, Erik, it’s like a reunion of the cast of Magic Mike. Andrea, Brenda, Sherri, they’re not so bad either, certainly stronger than their female counterparts on the new BeKool. But it’s the men of Goya who are really impressive, are don’t think Erik hasn’t noticed.

No challenge today, so the new-look tribes head back to camp to get to know each other.

Matt regales his new tribe mates with some gnarly stories of extreme BMX Bike Selling. Corinne casually mentions that she’s a fag hag. Or maybe even has a fetish for gays.

Corinne, what you’re saying is really not okay. It seems that you have unhealthy and rather offensive obsession with gays, collecting them like American Girl dolls, treating them like Tamagotchis.

Okay, okay, all gay stuff aside, Corinne, who else is on the new BeKool?

So there are three ladies on the tribe? Corinne, Dawn, and another one? Who?

Wait…WHAT?!?

Julia Racecar Driver

This raises two very important questions.

1. There’s someone in this game named Julia? SINCE WHEN?

2. Women can drive? Or did they mean to write “Backseat Racecar Driver?”

[Fun fact: both “racecar” and “depoped” are palindromes.]

FFAF goes right to work on the this alleged player named Julia, who allegedly is a racecar driver, finding a common bond with her because, like Fill, she is not college educated. That, of course, could be because she’s too young to have graduated from college, but Fill prefers to think that it’s because they both went to the school of hard knocks, Julia getting knocked around on the racetrack, FFAF getting knocked around by the Sandinistas or something (or just hitting himself in the head with rocks while doing some tricep extensions). But not only does Fill see a kindred spirit, he sees a young, impressionable girl, who just might be a great fit for the corporation, not unlike Natalie on Redemption Island who Boston Rob conned brought to the end. Won’t be long now until Julia gets her very own agent name, and, to think, we just learned she even has a given name. Can we recommend “the Cypher?” 

Dawn and Corinne, however, are not cool with Fill giving away all the company trade secrets to…umm…Julia, that’s right…flapping his gums to whatever young female racecar driver peels into camp. But then they remember that they’re playing with Fill and complete and total frustration is a necessary evil in being in an alliance with him. In fact, it’s kind of his most attractive quality. Meanwhile, BMX Bike Sales Matt and Michael are ready and willing to turn on Julia.

Michael and BMX Bike Sales Matt Strategizing

Michael and BMX Bike Sales Matt Strategizing

We wondered after last week, when the Immunity Challenge turned into Tribal Council, if we would get to see the challenge course that went unused, or would it be passed over, dismantled  and never to be seen or heard from again, like the cast of Salute Your Shorts or the band Deep Blue Something. But, whether in the interest of satisfying our wishes or just pure laziness, the course was kept up to be implemented this week. Unfortunately, for the BeKool tribe, this was one of the more brutal, physical challenges of the season (non-water-based), and the tribes would have been infinitely more evenly matched last week. But now, after the shakeup, it pretty much looks a slaughter for the new look Goya, who really have no physical weaknesses (other than Sherri and/or Sherri’s boobs).

Jeff Probst: host, VH1’s Alex Trebek, listener, back-rubber, wearer of denim, and, now, poet:

At least there was (shockingly) no toss element to this challenge, because with the #1 and #2 tossers both on the Goya tribe (Malcolm & Reynold, whichever way you want to order them), this challenge would have been over before it started if there was.

As the strongest member of the BeKool tribe, having gone through incredible training as a Former Federal Agent(?), Fillip is tasked with going out on the course three times. But by the end he’s huffing and puffing, barely even pushing the giant crate across the field. Fill, we thought you were in phenomenal shape? Is the problem that you’re only used to playing against men twice your size and not giant crates twice your size? Probst, pulling no punches in his twenty-sixth season, offers some more lyrical brilliance, this time in free verse.

As it turns out, as Fill explains, he was just playing possum. Conserving his energy until the time is right to strike. Like how he got Saddam.

With the challenge loss and Tribal Council ahead that night, the Specialist gets to work, teasing (Gay) Michael and BMX Bike Sales Matt about possible openings in Stealth ‘R’ Us. And here it’s like, please, bring back Brandon. He was insane, but at least he seemed to exist in the real world; he was psychotic but not deluded. FFAF, on the other hand, is living in his own fantasy world, where he’s in charge and everyone actually buys into his nonsense instead of just playing along to strengthen their place in the game. However, in Fill’s defense, we can’t deny that it’s working for him, and he doesn’t seem to be in any danger yet, even if his act is starting to wear thin.

Well, actually, we could think of something more annoying than that.

Cochran, who’s been pretty quiet most of the season thus far, save for the occasional bon mot and reference to his gnome like appearance in comparison to the female Survivors, chimes in here and suggests that instead of voting out Julia, perhaps they’d best be better served breaking up the Michael and BMX Mike Sales Matt power couple, who are poised to be the next Amber and Boston Rob. Obviously, Corinne is all for this plan, anything to drive a wedge between Michael and BMX Bike Sales Matt so she can keep the gay all for herself. Cochran, despite his concerns about the power duo, remains conflicted, not sure if Julia is the one.

But if they were to split up Michael and BMX Bike Sales Matt, which one do they eliminate? Well, maybe start by asking an important question: 

Or they can just throw their votes towards BMX Bike Sales Matt, who has been nothing but obvious and vocal and desperate about not having an Idol. There’s no absolutely no doubt in any of the former Favorites’ minds that he doesn’t have the Idol, he’s done that convincing of a job. So, really, it would have been a brilliant play here to have the Idol. That would have been super smart. Instead, by pleading his case, BMX Bike Sales Matt showed just how truly weak his position is, digging his own grave (one big enough to accommodate that beard). Fillip’s not sold on this plan though, because now he’s mulling over hiring BMX Bike Sales Matt and Michael for some entry-level positions with Stealth ‘R’ Us, which brings him one step closer to his grand plan to have every player in the game on the payroll. If everyone is a part of Stealth ‘R’ Us, then they’ll be unstoppable!  Of course, Fillip fails to realize that logic pretty much makes no sense. On the other hand, maybe he just has some good agent names for BMX Bike Sales Matt, like Big Red or the Ginge or Mr. Desperation. Can we recommend “BMX Bike Sales Matt?” It speaks to both his name and his experience selling BMX bikes (but considering that Julia barely exists, wouldn’t she make a better prospect for employment, because who’s more stealth than her?). 

Corinne, thoughts?

(ironically, that’s also the slogan of many gay conversion therapy camps)

It’s off to Tribal Council, where Jeff walks right into Corinne’s hands.

Ugh, while we’re pining for Brandon, can they also just bring back Colton? Let’s see just how much Corinne really loves a gay. Also, Why is she showing her boobs all of a sudden? She does know what gay means, right? Right?

Well, it’s safe to assume that BMX Bike Sales Matt sells A LOT of BMX Bikes back home at the BMX store, because he successfully sells the BeKool tribe on not having the Idol, and they feel supremely confident throwing their votes his way. He’s just too good.

ALWAYS REMEMBER, BMX BIKE SALES MATT, LOOSE SELLING SINKS SHIPS.

And you know who’s a really good salesman? Michael. Dude’s not even gay. Now that’s what we call selling. Clearly learned a thing or two from Alec Baldwin.

Which, very conveniently, brings us to our A-B-C of the Week:

Always Be Carring 

If we learned anything this episode (besides that Corinne has a huge hard-on for gays), it’s that cars are better than bikes. Matt, you might want to consider getting into the Racecar Sales business, and then maybe you’ll do better when you come back as a Favorite (just kidding, you won’t be back).

Corinne, anything final to add?

Oh, that explains a lot.

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Filed under Analysis, Century 21 Reality, The Worst, Tribal Council

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