For the last few seasons we’ve become increasingly irritated by the presence of God, or, rather, some players’ insistence that he (or she!) has some influence on the game of Survivor, from Matt justifying his repeated exile to Redemption Island as part of Jesus’s plan to Brandon Hantz invoking the will of the Lord in his quest to purge Mikayla from the game (and maybe the Earth) because of her fictional harlot tendencies. For one season we can deal with these bible thumpers, but as it became a consistent aspect of the game, it became grating, obnoxious even. Sure, God may love Survivor, but as a true fan he would never get involved. When it comes to Survivor, God is agnostic, and if he had a dog in the fight, it wouldn’t be someone from the God Squad, it would be a rough and tumble champion, like Sophie or Lt. Tom Westman. But even if God had a rooting interest, we were sure that he (or she!) had no impact on the game, just like he has nothing to do with Tim Tebow (unless sending him to the Jets is God’s idea of a holy hilarious joke). However, after this week’s Survivor: One World! we’ve changed our mind. Because if that wasn’t divine intervention, if that wasn’t an instance of God reigning down vengeance from above, we don’t know what is.
Tag Archives: Kat
‘Survivor: One World’ – Karma Right Back At Him
Filed under Analysis, Century 21 Reality, God Laughs, The Worst, Tribal Council
‘Survivor: One World:’ Player-By-Player Odds AND Celebrity Look-Alikes!
It’s finally here, folks! Our much ballyhooed, frequently teased, oft-delayed player-by-player odds for Survivor: ONE WORLD! And this time we’re sweetening the deal by including celebrity look-alikes. Yes, these predictions are coming five episodes late, but that just gives us better insight and helps us provide you with more accurate, educated odds. So let’s get to it, A-B-C style.
Alicia: If not for Colton, you’d probably take the crown as The Worst. As it is though, the two worst seem to have allied with each other and found common ground in being The Worst. She fashions herself as a villain, and a tough bitch, but she’s yet to truly display the physical or social skills that will get her to the end (she has, however, displayed far too much of her chest, sporting a variety of wildly ill fitting tops). If she sticks with Colton, Team The Worst could actually, grossly, go far, that is if they don’t kill each other first. Odds of winning: 30-1
Filed under Count Bleh, Look-Alikes, Tribal Council
‘Survivor: One World’ – The Game is Afoot, Smelling a But
What continues to astound us about Survivor players, season after season, is how little they understand the format of the game, how they continue to be surprised by surprises they should have seen coming, if only by the precedent set by every season of the show ever. And what’s particularly interesting in a contradictory way is how they’re so myopic in looking so far ahead. By already thinking about the end game – i.e. we have a strong alliance that can take us to the end, or at least to the merge – they fail to acknowledge or comprehend the twists and turns that will come along the way, i.e. a tribe shake up. Because OF course that’s going to happen, ESPECIALLY since the tribes were originally drawn up along gender lines. When you have such a stark contrast between teams, it’s a matter of a when, not if, the tribes will be realigned. By handing over immunity to the Salami Tribe last week the men may have accelerated the tribe shake up, but it was a foregone conclusion to occur sometime soon.
As such, the universal look of shock on the players’ faces when they learned at the beginning of this week’s Survivor: ONE WORLD! that the tribes would indeed be redrawn was shocking, but only because they should have seen it coming. To not have anticipated this shows how clueless these people really are, even Colton, who has self-professed himself to the master of this game.
And what’s up with Monica? In the first episode she refuses to do a strip tease, then offers to do a pole dance in the third, and now this? Lots of mixed signals, Monica (also, are you an ex-football player‘s wife or an ex-football player’s wife? We’re a little confused. Like we said, lots of mixed signals).
Filed under Analysis, Century 21 Reality, The Worst, Tribal Council
‘Survivor: One World’ – And One Worst to Rule Them All
Alright, by now you probably know how utterly confusing and mind-boggling and “bum puzzling” this week’s Survivor: ONE WORLD! was, so we’re getting right to our ABC of the week.
Always be CuckooBananas.
Because that was perhaps the most baffling, head-scratching, what the fuck is going on episode of all-time. Of ALL-TIME. It had everything: racism, sexism, donuts, senility, betrayal, stupidity, and the most despicable fucking human being ever to play the game.
Whew. Glad we got that out.
Filed under Analysis, Century 21 Reality, Huh?, The Worst, Tribal Council
‘Survivor: One World’ – Fowl Play
Before we start this off, we need to speak to Kat for a second. Girl, get it together. You bawl at Tribal Council like that one time Robbie Morris told his dad the dirty joke that we had told him at indoor recess earlier that day, and we were sent to bed without TV and ice cream (the joke, if you must know, is entitled “Seymour Upmore.” We’ll let you fill in the blanks). Kat, you need to toughen up. That was just your second of – if you’re exceptionally lucky – many Tribal Councils. But don’t take it from us, take it from Jimmy Dugan.
Got it? Good.
Unfortunately, once the ladies are able to dry their eyes, they’re doused with what was either ten minutes of drizzle or seven days of apocalyptic downpour. Either way, those bitches be WET (of course, one has question Chelsea’s decision to try to wait out the storm in the ocean. Then again, four feet of water probably offers more protection than their shelter. You know, cause chicks can’t build shit (jk, jk!)). But, defying their earlier histrionics, the women remain resolute, refusing to run to the big strong men and their big strong tarp (and the palms fronds the women themselves had woven. It’s kinda like a Gift of the Magi where one person gets totally fucked). Also, they somehow rejected Colton’s offer to cuddle. Now that’s will power. Girls, we had you all wrong.
Filed under Analysis, Century 21 Reality, God Laughs, The Worst, Tribal Council
‘Survivor: One World’ – Big Boobs
We made a joke last week in our Survivor: ONE WORLD! recap about girls having tiny brains, just not having the mental capacity to compete with the male sex. But, hey, that was all in good fun. And we would never legitimately call these women or any women dumb. But Nina -a women herself – has no problems doing so. And she pretty much does so for forty-four minutes in this episode. Also, Kat is really dumb. We know what we said three sentences ago, but, empirically, scientifically, she’s a numskull. Our word, not Nina’s (her’s was “nitwit.” Also accurate).
But do you know what Kat also is? She’s a master of fire, and she wastes no time in picking up where we left off last week, telling us that no one touches the fire but her, not even the men who were so chivalrous enough to keep the Salami Tribe’s fire going while they were off at Tribal Council bickering and voting off no one. Because even if the fire went out, she could start it right back up. No big.
Tell em, Kat!
Things are starting to fray at Salami, but Alicia’s not worried. A) She’s won’t be weighed down by appropriate fitting clothing, and B) she’s got her alliance.
Read on: The women get a taste of their own medicine. And what’s that in the woods???
Jumped The Snark 