Tag Archives: One World

2012/03/19 · 1:46 pm

‘Survivor: One World’ – The Game is Afoot, Smelling a But

What continues to astound us about Survivor players, season after season, is how little they understand the format of the game, how they continue to be surprised by surprises they should have seen coming, if only by the precedent set by every season of the show ever.  And what’s particularly interesting in a contradictory way is how they’re so myopic in looking so far ahead.  By already thinking about the end game – i.e. we have a strong alliance that can take us to the end, or at least to the merge – they fail to acknowledge or comprehend the twists and turns that will come along the way, i.e. a tribe shake up.  Because OF course that’s going to happen, ESPECIALLY since the tribes were originally drawn up along gender lines.  When you have such a stark contrast between teams, it’s a matter of a when, not if, the tribes will be realigned.  By handing over immunity to the Salami Tribe last week the men may have accelerated the tribe shake up, but it was a foregone conclusion to occur sometime soon.

As such, the universal look of shock on the players’ faces when they learned at the beginning of this week’s Survivor: ONE WORLD! that the tribes would indeed be redrawn was shocking, but only because they should have seen it coming.  To not have anticipated this shows how clueless these people really are, even Colton, who has self-professed himself to the master of this game.

And what’s up with Monica?  In the first episode she refuses to do a strip tease, then offers to do a pole dance in the third, and now this?  Lots of mixed signals, Monica (also, are you an ex-football player‘s wife or an ex-football player’s wife?  We’re a little confused.  Like we said, lots of mixed signals).

Click here to see Monica strip!

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2012/03/13 · 1:13 pm

‘Survivor: One World’ – And One Worst to Rule Them All

Alright, by now you probably know how utterly confusing and mind-boggling and “bum puzzling” this week’s Survivor: ONE WORLD! was, so we’re getting right to our ABC of the week.

Always be CuckooBananas. 

Because that was perhaps the most baffling, head-scratching, what the fuck is going on episode of all-time.  Of ALL-TIME.  It had everything: racism, sexism, donuts, senility, betrayal, stupidity, and the most despicable fucking human being ever to play the game.

Whew.  Glad we got that out.

More of the worst

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2012/03/07 · 1:49 am

‘Survivor: One World’ – Fowl Play

Before we start this off, we need to speak to Kat for a second.  Girl, get it together.  You bawl at Tribal Council like that one time Robbie Morris told his dad the dirty joke that we had told him at indoor recess earlier that day, and we were sent to bed without TV and ice cream (the joke, if you must know, is entitled “Seymour Upmore.”  We’ll let you fill in the blanks).  Kat, you need to toughen up.  That was just your second of – if you’re exceptionally lucky – many Tribal Councils.  But don’t take it from us, take it from Jimmy Dugan.

Got it? Good.

Unfortunately, once the ladies are able to dry their eyes, they’re doused with what was either ten minutes of drizzle or seven days of apocalyptic downpour.  Either way, those bitches be WET (of course, one has question Chelsea’s decision to try to wait out the storm in the ocean.  Then again, four feet of water probably offers more protection than their shelter.  You know, cause chicks can’t build shit (jk, jk!)).  But, defying their earlier histrionics, the women remain resolute, refusing to run to the big strong men and their big strong tarp (and the palms fronds the women themselves had woven.  It’s kinda like a Gift of the Magi where one person gets totally fucked).  Also, they somehow rejected Colton’s offer to cuddle.  Now that’s will power.  Girls, we had you all wrong.

Until about nine minutes later…

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2012/02/24 · 6:48 pm

‘Survivor: One World’ – Big Boobs

We made a joke last week in our Survivor: ONE WORLD! recap about girls having tiny brains, just not having the mental capacity to compete with the male sex.  But, hey, that was all in good fun.  And we would never legitimately call these women or any women dumb.  But Nina -a women herself – has no problems doing so.  And she pretty much does so for forty-four minutes in this episode.  Also, Kat is really dumb.  We know what we said three sentences ago, but, empirically, scientifically, she’s a numskull.  Our word, not Nina’s (her’s was “nitwit.”  Also accurate).

But do you know what Kat also is?  She’s a master of fire, and she wastes no time in picking up where we left off last week, telling us that no one touches the fire but her, not even the men who were so chivalrous enough to keep the Salami Tribe’s fire going while they were off at Tribal Council bickering and voting off no one.  Because even if the fire went out, she could start it right back up.  No big.

Tell em, Kat!

Things are starting to fray at Salami, but Alicia’s not worried.  A) She’s won’t be weighed down by appropriate fitting clothing, and B) she’s got her alliance.

Read on: The women get a taste of their own medicine. And what’s that in the woods???

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2012/02/16 · 6:23 pm

‘Survivor: One World’ Premiere: A Game of Chicken

Good news, everyone!: Survivor recaps are back (for now, at least.  Until we inevitably get pulled away for something like this).

And we start Survivor: ONE WORLD! with even more good news: No more Redemption Island (unless there’s a top-secret Last Chance Redemption Island, but wethinks they’re leaving that for Tom Colicchio), which is welcome for two reasons; 1) the show will return to its classic structure, giving us the enjoyment of separate reward and immunity challenges, and sparing us the pain of watching exiled player after exiled player finding God on the Redemption Island (also, it saves us from enduring someone like Ozzie climbing trees, catching fish, and belting gorilla calls, boasting about how he’s never eaten better); and 2) this will make these recaps at least somewhat shorter, relieving us of the responsibility of reporting on every single Redemption Island duel (however, it does preclude us from making fun of The Real World-Road Rules Challenge, but we’ll try to make up for that in other places.  God willing).

So let’s get to it!  Survivor: ONE WORLD! starts by revealing that in instead of Redemption Island, this season’s twist is that it’s boys vs. girls, which should have immediately inspired all women to crib from Jenna Morasca‘s playbook, and cautioned the men against such tactics.  Instead, when Jeff Probst gives both tribes sixty-seconds to strip the truck they came in on for parts, “Big Mike” takes a page out of Rupert’s book and employ’s the ol’ steal from the other team trick.  It’s really Survivor 101, a classic first ten minutes, scrambling for initial supplies move.  Frankly, the women  should have known better, and their lack of attention was a terrible lapse in judgment that cemented this as a battle of the sexes, and basically sets the course for this season, at least until the first tribal shakeup or the merge.  Right now though, it’s boys and girls in the sandbox, pulling each other’s hair, giving (American) Indian rope burns and throwing dirt.  In other words, they’re being a bunch of self-possessed, petty brats, which we’re sure is exactly what Survivor and producer Mark Burnett were hoping for.

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