Normally the purveyor of gravitas, presenting a stoic, dignified disposition in the face of all that is immoral and unethical (and least when he’s not on Regis & Kelly), Anderson Cooper proved that he’s not above a good poop joke. Well, he’s not above breaking into uncontrollable laughter at a terrible poop joke.
In just two short weeks Survivor competitor Phillip has already become a legend on this blog, taking his spot in the Jumped the Snark Hall of Fame with Tom Westman, Rashida Jones, Jason Sudeikis, Anderson Cooper, Guy Fieri, Jimmy Fallon and Tom Hanks. So it’s no surprise that one of our top search terms today was “survivor phillip.”
We talked about Phillip at length in last week’s Survivor recap and posted the clip of what will probably be his signature Survivor moment – hunting a crab with a spear clad only in his cherry red skivvies – but here’s a very quick moment of Phillip at his creepy, confident best (and a gratuitous cleavage shot) from later in that show. We weren’t able to include it the first time around, but we’re pleased to bring it to you now. Thanks for the second chance, everyone! Redemption all around.
A little late this week so let’s get right to it:
We get it Gwyneth, you can sing! You already proved it with Country Strong, your appearance on Glee and your CMA performance (and with Huey Lewis in Duets ten years ago). But you had to show us again in your monologue, as Taylor Swift in this My Super Sweet Bar Mitzvah sketch, and by joining meandering songsmiths Kat and Garth on “Weekend Update.’ Listen, Gwyneth, WE GET IT. It’s a wonder they didn’t hold off the “Worst of Soul Train“ sketch another week so Paltrow could play some kind of disco queen. But they probably thought that would be overkill.
Also, Cee-Lo, we get it. You’re a big deal right now. Gwyneth Paltrow covered your hit song, and hugs you and treats you like her best friend. But we don’t need to see the you also singing during the monologue and in the Bar Mitzvah sketch and also appearing in the “Record Label Meeting” sketch that was just a device to introduce your musical performance. What’s that we said about overkill? We mean, c’mon, it’s not like the guy is Paul McCartney. And, sure, we admit, “F*** You” is one of those songs we heard about ad nauseam before we ever actually heard it (much like “Umbrella”), because the only radio we listen to is sports talk and NPR. But it is good, at the very least, it’s dangerously infectious. However, isn’t “F*** You” just like “Hey Ya,” but not as good. Seven years later we still think the former is a great song, not sure if the latter will fare so well in 2018. Will it be a classic or a novelty? Only time will tell if it stands the test of time. But, until then, we could have done with at least one less Cee-Lo appearance.
Read on: Pee-wee plays with fire, Bill Hader gets political, and a hidden meaning to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air sketch
Well, as much of a danger that Regis Philbin has been to himself and others over the years, it seemed that the only one who would ever get Regis off his hosting stool was the Grim Reaper. However, Death can relax (for now), since Regis announced today that come late summer or fall he will leave the Live! after twenty-five years (twenty of which he was there mentally. Fascinatingly, it wasn’t a consecutive run). We can only assume he’ll spend his retirement yelling about the Yankees and Notre Dame, butchering people’s names, forgetting what he’s doing, making unintentionally lewd remarks, making intentionally lewd remarks and lacerating himself with a box cutter. So, no different really.
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But, fret not, after Reege’s announcement it was business as usual:
And apparently ABC ran a little message for Reege right after the show, one that we thought was in rather bad taste.
(that’s an amazing URL, btw)
But, seriously, Regis, mornings will never be the same without you. Safer and more coherent, sure, but certainly not as entertaining.
So who will fill Regis’ spot next to Kelly? Anderson Cooper, are you regretting that daytime talk show deal now? Because we are.
If you’re a regular visitor to Jumped the Snark you’ll know that some of our greatest pleasure derives from those delightful occasions when Anderson Cooper rips a deluded, misguided, self-serving and/or reprehensible guest to pieces. He did it with former Michigan Assistant Attorney General Andrew Shirvell and with Congressman Michelle Bachmann and with Amazon. So imagine our excitement when he welcomed Kirk Cameron as a guest last night. Finally, someone would nail Cameron for forcing the producers of Growing Pains to write former Playmate Julie McCullough off the show, leaving Mike Seaver at the altar, and leaving us stunned. Cooper could have authoritatively questioned Cameron about letting his Christian values dictate the course for the sitcom. He could have asked what’s the deal with Way of the Master. Or what was it like to work with a Canadian like Alan Thicke. Or even, on a serious note, he could have inquired about the late Andrew Koenig (let alone mention of this). Nope. All they did was talk about the dead blackbirds and fish in Arkansas. Boring (also, huh?)! That’s a big miss, Anderson, and we’ve come to expect more from you.
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Also, isn’t bringing Kirk Cameron on as an Armageddon expert just the kind of thing that Cooper would rail against, castigating its inherent absurdity? Perhaps he did that later in his “Keeping Them Honest” segment, putting himself on trial. If so, he’s won us back. If not, for shame, Anderson. For shame.
First, you willingly sell a guide to pedophilia, incurring the considerable wrath of Anderson Cooper, and now you’ve gotten on our bad side with your latest “recommendation”:
Really? You think we’re interested in Zumba Fitness. No.
We will not be joining the party. And we do not want to learn more.
That’s two strikes, Amazon. Not a good place to be right before the holiday season. We could just as easily order our nephews’ Christmas presents from Toysrus.com. Don’t forget that.
Zumba Fitness. Really?
We’ve had our beefs with Amazon for incorrectly, and sometimes insultingly, suggesting products that we may be interested in, or for misleading us about shipping times. But that’s nothing like the offense Anderson Cooper has (rightfully) taken to Amazon for selling a guide to pedophilia. Last week Cooper tore apart a rookie congresswoman, this week he takes on an Internet giant.
When the Anderson Cooper train is coming through GET OFF THE TRACKS!
Advantage: Cooper (duh).
Sometimes life just hands you a gift, whether it’s turning on the TV in the morning to find Regis inadvertently giving Meryl Streep a heart attack, or turning on the TV at night to witness Anderson Cooper absolutely destroy an opportunistic, insipid politician. So this morning, while brushing out teeth, we flipped on the tube to see what was happening with WFAN’s Boomer & Carton, simulcast on the MSG Network, and, well, our birthday present came early:
Enlighten us, Boomer: which play was that?
And speaking of spit-takes, here’s this. And speaking of uncontrollable laughter, there’s that.
The guy’s been on a roll recently.
And then he can co-host Live! with Kelly Ripa and be somehow simultaneously delightful and curmudgeonly.
Last week the Regis Philbin runaway train barreled through Meryl Streep, nearly sending her into cardiac arrest when Reege mistakenly informed Streep that her daughter had broken her leg (Just a little error reading the cue card. NBD. She’s only the daughter of Oscar Royalty. Relaaaaax).
Now Reege has once again turned the knife onto himself, as he’ll undergo hip replacement surgery on December 1, followed by a four to six-week recovery and absence from Live!
And now I feel kinda bad. Like it was our constant warnings that Reege is a loose cannon and is a danger to himself and others that caused the need surgery. Can’t help but feel somewhat responsible.
Plus, it’s boring without Reege. Now I’ll have no reason to tune into the show. Unless, of course, Anderson Cooper guest hosts, because that guy goes Eddie Murphy Raw when he’s freed from the shackles of prime time cable news into the anything goes of world of syndicated morning television. No other CNN personality with evidently limited knowledge of popular culture can eviscerate the Lohan family like Anderson Cooper.