‘Saved by the Bell’ THE FINAL SEASON

This is it, folks.  We estimated it would take us about two days to get to this point.  Instead it’s taken 3 weeks.  But, nevertheless, we’ve arrived.  And the end.  Well, the beginning of the end.

6:14pm, Season 5, Disc 1, Episode 1: ” The Fight”

00:10: Well, right out of the gate we have to compliment the DVD menus for this season.  MUCH improved.

01:49: My school never had the “pool on the roof” gag.  I kind of regret that.  Feel like I didn’t have a proper high school experience.

02:32: Fun Fact: Elizabeth Berkley turned 44 during this season.

06:26: Once again, Lisa can only date black guys.  C’mon, SBTB. It’s the 1992s!

07:31: Is Darren the same guy who played Brian the boring erudite jerk who’s too good for Lisa’s friend’s in the date auction episode?

09:00: Oh, I know why they like Joanna.  It’s those child-bearing hips!  Nice to see Zack and Slater going after something besides a willowy stick figure.

10:30: Great purple blazer, Joanna.  You’re going to fit right in!

11:20: Lisa, that girl is you!  You’re the girl who’s taking a freshman to the Senior Dance and by doing so is committing social suicide.  YOU!

12:15: Yet another girl Zack has lured to his lair.  Not the first and certainly not the last.

13:07: Seriously, Mrs. Morris needs to do a better job of restricting access to Zack’s bedroom.  Or he needs to hire a doorman.  This open door policy is totally cock blocking him.

14:00: Looks like Darren was theater hopping. Typical Freshman behavior.

15:30: Always really, really bothered me that the Palisades Mall has folding chairs in its movie theaters.  Still really, really bothers me.  By that time any respectable mall in the Los Angeles area probably already had stadium seating.

16:27: Uh oh.  Things are getting tense between Zack and Slater.

16:40: I hope they can settle this with words.

17:08: OH NO!  FIGHT!

17:20: I was always really impressed with Zack’s punch.  I remember thinking to myself “Wow, Zack kind of held his own against Slater, which is no small order.  That guy is no slouch.”

19:12: Daaaamn.  Darren just dropped some knowledge on Lisa.

19:25: They really loved the fact that they had a second hallway this season.  But after four seasons of one hallway it was actually kind of jarring to just introduce a completely new area of Bayside.

20:10: Just another dance at The Max.  The yushe.

20:37: “Slater who?”  Zack, c’mon, we told you two seasons ago we don’t approve of that act.

20:50: “I just came by to wish you guys a great senior year.  See you at graduation.  Good luck with your lives.” – Slater

21:00:  Hmmm, I think I know where Mr. Belding’s jacket came from.

21:50: It seems like Zack wanted Slater to pour punch down his pants.  Hmmmm.  Freak.


23:00: My roommate just asked me if we’ll see Joanna again.  Clearly, she just doesn’t yet understand this show.

6:39pm, Episode 2: “Student Teacher Week”

01:25: Mufffin Sangria!

01:50: It’s good to see Jessie laugh.  Proof that she’s not a joyless buzzkill.

03:30: Once again, Lisa is all set for Oprah’s Legends Ball.

05:00: There’s Ox.  Perhaps you know him better as Scud.

05:05: But, no, you know him better as Ox.


07:00: Ha, good one, Big Pete!

08:00: Kinda surprised that Zack is going with the suit look as principal.  Kind of thought he would have ushered in a more casual era at Bayside.

08:45: Richie Belding, also pulling off the Canadian tuxedo!

09:12: There’s no finer look than a football jersey tucked into khakis.

09:40: Hmm, Principal Zack is snacking on some popcorn.  Wonder if they based his principal persona on Lorne Michaels.

11:15: Lisa, you’re coaching gym class, not doing the elliptical.  No need for that outfit.  Unless you were planning to shave a few seconds off your 100M breaststroke time.

12:30: I think Ox needs to be slower, more supportive classroom environment.

12:50: “Nerd myth, nerd myth.”  Ha, PETE!  You kill me.

14:00: See, Kelly, if you were really trying to uphold your teacher responsibilities you would have sent Richie to detention.

15:30: Do the right thing, Zack.  That’s your true love, bearing her soul.

16:10: Richie, Principal Morris hates it when you mess up his pencils.

16:36: If the purpose of the student-teacher program is to teach the kids responsibility, what is it teaching Mr. Belding?

17:14: Miss Kapowski is the hottest teacher/cheerleader ever.

17:30: Pep rally at, where else, The Max!

18:20: “I’m suspending AC Slater and the other players, whose names I don’t know, because, let’s be honest, no one cares about anyone else.”

18:35: MORRIS OUT!

19:19: Fun Fact: The actor who portrayed Ox missed the birth of his third child to film this episode.

19:40: First lynching reference!

20:45: First Pearl Harbor reference!  Hanging and mass murder in the same episode!

22:10: Breaking the fourth wall!

22:15: We’ll have to give Saved by the Bell credit, we may never see or hear about most characters ever again (Eric, Stacey, Violet, Kristy, Christina, Joanna, etc), but they also make sure to give us closure on football games.

7:03pm, Episode 3: “Screech’s Spaghetti Sauce”

01:30: Ladies and gentlemen, Punky Brewster!

03:20: Good Day LA is way better than this morning show.

04:11: You know, Jessie, sometimes you need to stop sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong.

06:00: “What did you do in school today, Zack?”  “Well, we put on our morning news show until about noon.  Then went to the Max for lunch.  Then that was about it.”

07:00: I don’t think I like Chef Screech.  He’s become a monster.

07:30: Fun Fact: Soleil Moon Frye originally auditioned for the role of Slater.

10:00: 3rd Doogie Howser reference!

10:30: 3rd (?) Benny Hill sequence!

11:20: Mario Lopez is automatically a better actor than Tony Danza because he’s capable of playing characters not named “Mario.”  Or “Tony.”

12:00: “Saved by the Bell.”  TITULAR!

12:13: Class time really shouldn’t be used to film a Screech’s Spaghetti Sauce commercial.

12:30: It seems that they’ve abandoned their signature pink font for chyrons.  What a shame.

13:50: Looks like Screech has developed a coke habit.

14:30: Soleil Moon Frye is really annoying.  But I guess that means she was doing her job.  Nice work, Soleil Moon Frye!  You made your character practically intolerable!

17:14: What a gold digging bitch.

18:00: “Haha, we’re girls, and we’re giggling and playing with our jewelery.  Teehee.”

19:00: Nice Cardigan, Zack.  Seriously, I like it.

20:45: The actors on Saved by the Bell didn’t get enough credit for all the characters they played.  It was like the early 90s Kids in the Hall.

22:17: Oh, wait, that German guy was Zack?!  The whole time!?  Nice.

7:29pm, Episode 4: “The New Girl”

01:05: UGHHHHH.  The Tori episodes.  NOT looking forward to these.

01:30: It’s one thing to never reference Stacey Carosi or Nerdstrom again, but to ask us to totally forget about Kelly and Jessie is absurd.  We deserved better than that.

03:00: Ugh.  Tori.  Ugh.

04:50: They look especially old here.  Oh, that’s probably because they already shot the graduation episode with Kelly and Jessie.  And they’re old.

05:44: Man, Big Pete is on fire this season!

06:40: Ladies and gentlemen, Mrs. Pete Sampras, Bridgette Wilson:

08:23: Fun Fact: Leanna Creel, who plays the bane of our existence Tori, is actually a triplet, and along with her two sisters starred in The Parent Trap III and The Parent Trap IV: Hawaiian Honeymoon (this is true).

10:10: Fun Fact: The character of Tori was originally written as the return of Jessie’s brother Eric.  The leather jacket she wears is actually the same one Eric wore during “The Evil Stepbrother” parts 1 & 2.

11:00: How many classes do these kids take where they have to invent and market a product?

11:15: Although we always thought sunglasses wipers was a pretty good idea.

13:30: Boy, Zack had me going there, I thought he was really in big trouble with his presentation.

13:45: It seems like all you have to do to get an ‘A’ on a project at Bayside is to just show up.

15:43: “She’s a beast.” – My roommate, re: Tori.  We were thinking the exact same thing.

16:21: Not to be mean, but Tori’s hair is kind of terrible.  Probably full of split ends.

16:49: “I got to get to football practice.” – Tori.

17:20: A dance not at The Max?  GO ON!

17:30: “A few color combinations I would have stayed away from.” – Slater.  This sounds like a joke, but it’s not.  He genuinely means it.

18:55: “Look at that hair!”  “Look at those shoulders.” – Roommate and friend, re: Tori.  Glad it’s not just me.

21:45: Don’t apologize, Zack.  Just focus on figuring out where Kelly is.

22:10: Leather jacket over an ugly blue dress.  Just about the worst look imaginable.

22:30: If only that was the last we saw of Tori.  IF ONLY.

7:53pm, Episode 5: “The Bayside Triangle”

00:40: We need to watch this episode to get the bad Tori taste out of our mouths.

01:20: Kelly!  Thank god!

01:25: But it’s such a tease to get Kelly (and Jessie, I guess) back, only to lose them every other episode.  Such a mindfuck.

02:15: Screech, forget Lisa.  Just get over it, go out with somebody else.

03:00: Fun Fact: Lark Vorhies was going through her second divorce during the filming of this episode.

07:00: Yikes, you designed that Lisa?  That is honestly a hideously looking outfit.  No way Zack would ever kiss you after you made him try that on.

08:00: Oh, whoops, I was wrong.

08:56: 3rd (or 4th) Tom Cruise reference!

09:00: And a Max Nerdstrom reference!  Nice.

09:50: Fun Fact: Mark-Gosselaar and Lark Vorhies actually dated for much of the show.  This is entirely true and we hate it, because we always imagined that Gosselaar and Thiessen were together the whole time.  And we still want to believe it.  Ignorance really is bliss.

11:11: Are those chaps Zack is wearing?  Seriously hideous.

12:00: We told you Screech, give her up!

12:25: That crotch is OUTRAGEOUS.

13:00: Fashion show, fashion show, fashion show at The Max.

13:20: Once again, outfits ripped from closing scenes of Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead.

14:30: Is that a madras sports coat over a vest over a red denim shirt over a turtle neck?  Quite the getup.

15:14: Why is Mr. Belding driving the FIT recruiter to the airport.  Sounds like Mr. B might be dipping his wick.

15:25: “I know fashion talent, and you, Lisa, do not have it.” – Ms. Parks, FIT recruiter.

16:30: Fun Fact: This music score was originally used in Top Gun.

17:00: Boy, such a violent season so far.

17:45: I’d be careful, Zack.  Screech is totally fits the profile of the kinda guy that would flip and murder his best friend over a girl.  Just sayin’.

19:00: The nerds in this show did not get nearly enough of the credit they deserved.  Behind every great preppy is a great nerd.

20:10: Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration, Dustin Diamond:

20:30: This really is the only 30 seconds in the entire series when Dustin Diamond gets to play Screech close to straight.

21:13: This is Lisa’s Ms. Frizzle phase.

21:50: Screech learned a powerful lesson here: friendship is the most powerful love of all.

22:15: Um, Zack, you can button up your shirt now.

22:47: “Hey, Jessie, have I ever told you how much I adore your Adam’s apple?” – An actual line.  Ew, Screech.  Ew.

3:23pm, Episode 6: “Teen Line”

00:45: Ugh, another Tori episode.

00:50: And another Teen Line episode.  Jeez, guys, save some recycled storylines for The New Class.

01:30: Lisa really goes for the colorful outfits this year.

02:00: Tori has been at Bayside for 3 days and she’s already one of the five people in every club.

02:35: “Tori, you don’t need to explain what a teen line is.  We’ve DONE it.  Kelly can tell you all about it.  Kelly?  Kelly?”

03:30: Fat joke!

05:15: Zack, nothing in LA is a five-minute drive.  No matter how close it is.

06:10: Lisa’s way more annoying when paired with Tori.

06:45: “I’ll be waiting at the Max at the one table with a tablecloth.  A cheap, yellow, plastic tablecloth.”  How romantic!

07:20: SURPRISE!  She’s in a wheelchair.

07:30: [SPOILER ALERT] Lost totally stole that reveal for John Locke.

08:30: Physical challenge, Mark!

10:00: Shouldn’t Melissa be at her own school?

10:30: Screech’s little “brother” is totally deranged.  Really nothing to laugh at, Lisa.

12:00: Boy, Zack, could you make any more references to the wheelchair.  Good thing she’s not Asian.  “Excuse me, my date is Korean, could you please keep it down?”

14:00: Wow, Bayside really has a lot of money problems.  Got to wonder where all that money is going (to Mr. Belding’s convertible, perhaps?).

14:50: “You play basketball?  But you can’t walk!”

15:45: Boy, I wonder who will be on the basketball teams for the charity wheelchair basketball game.  Probably members of the basketball team.

16:05: Oh, nope.  Just the same 5 kids that are in everything, and the new girl, who, it should be noted, doesn’t even go to Bayside.

17:50: Is this wheelchair basketball court regulation?

18:22: Well, we have to say, that red t-shirt and red sweatpants ensemble is definitely an improvement for Tori.

18:45: “A big round of applause for Melissa Donahue, the only one of us who is somewhat less than!”

19:45: Oh, shut up, Tori.

21:25: “I’m sorry, ma’am, you can’t come in here.”  “Oh, because I’m in a wheelchair???”  “No, because you don’t go to this school.  We’ve asked you repeatedly not to attend Bayside High events.”

22:49: And so began a beautiful night of dancing for Zack and Melissa.  Until Zack asked “But how can you kiss if you’re in a wheelchair?”  Melissa then went home with Big Pete.

3:47pm, Episode 7: “The Masquerade Ball”

01:10: Ugh, another Tori Episode?!  Back-to-back Tori episodes?  That’s cruel.  Really cruel.

02:40: Screech Powers.  Truly the early 90s’ Groucho Marx.

03:30: Oh, so we can’t make fun of Melissa’s disability but we can make fun of Mrs. Culpepper’s?  DOUBLE STANDARD, SBTB.

04:30: “That girl definitely wants me.”  “Get real, she wants me”  – Zack and Slater, re: Tori.

04:55: Fun Fact: Leanna Creel, who played Tori, is a lesbian and has been married since 2008 (100% true).

07:30: Once again, shutting down the entire Max just for Zack.  No wonder money’s tight.

08:00: Boy, Tori cleans up, um, adequately.

11:05: How come Mr. Belding didn’t see Mrs. Culpepper coming?  He’s not blind (or is he?).

12:30: Lisa’s wardrobe this season could be described as Designing Women meets a Jackson Pollack.  Could.

13:20: Um, Lisa, didn’t we already have a talk about you dating Zack?  And didn’t we decide it was a terrible idea?

14:00: Oh, look, a mailbox for the principal nailed to the end of the lockers.  Can’t believe we missed that all these years.

16:14: No pantsuit, Lisa?  That’s a rarity.

17:00: This makes no sense.  Lisa and Zack have been friends since elementary school, Lisa wouldn’t all the sudden start acting all gaga over Zack.  It’s just totally artificial, and rings completely false.  I feel bad that Lark Vorhies was asked to act like that.

18:45: “Do you have anything with broader shoulders?”  “No, Tori.  That’s literally the widest leather jacket we have.  They don’t make them any broader than that, not even on special order.”

19:50: Why is this called a “masquerade ball?”  It’s clearly just a costume party.  Pretty sure a masquerade ball is like that orgy from Eyes Wide Shut. With or without the orgy.

21:10: C’mon, Zack, you can’t tell the difference between Lisa and Tori?  I think all that peroxide has gone to his head.

22:30: Now you love Zack, Lisa?  C’mon.  Let’s see a little more respect for these characters, guys.  I think they’ve earned it.  I know I have.

Tuesday, 3:34pm, Episode 8: “Day of Detention”

00:00: Now this is the one in which Zack’s hair looks good.  For sure!

01:20: Fifth Paula Abdul reference!  This show loved Abdul, MC Hammer and Kevin Costner.

01:30: Yep, totally right about the hair.

02:00: Big fan of this episode, even though it’s from the Tori collection.  Ugh, Tori.

02:30: At this point they had smaller cell phones, but I think they recognized the comedic value inherent in that enormous gray phone.

03:00: Saved by the Bell was our generation’s Who’s Harry Crumb?

04:00: Just some more fraud perpetrated by Zack and Screech.

04:20: You know, if this radio station can be heard in two states it could be considered interstate fraud and thus the FBI could get involved.  Zack is in BIG trouble.

06:15: Bonsai! Just like Karate Kid III.

06:45: Why is Slater checking out how is uniform looks in the mirror?  And why he is always the only one in the boy’s locker room?  It’s not your personal clubhouse, A.C.!

09:45: I really don’t like Lisa and Tori together.  Tori’s terrible influence.

12:00: Making Mr. Belding nauseous so he runs to the bathroom?  Kinda smacks of feeding Mr. B chocolate covered grasshoppers in “Senior Cut Day.”  Overall, this is really similar episode.  Once again, save something for The New Class!

14:50: Boy, Screech is the dumbest genius ever.  For reals!

17:00: And Mr. Belding is the dumbest principal ever.  Just calling it like I see it.

18:20: You’re packed and ready to go to Hawaii, Zack?  But you’ve been in detention all day.  Unless…do you always carry around a bag packed for Hawaii?  Fortuitous, but a little impractical.

18:30: Second attack on Pearl Harbor reference!!

20:38: Of course it took Belding 15 seconds to walk from Bayside to The Max.  Because it’s in the parking lot.  Or possibly even in the courtyard.

21:00: Seems silly that a radio contest would award the prize to someone who just walked in the door.  I’m no radio expert, but that sounds counter intuitive to the idea of a radio contest.

4:01pm, Season 3, Disc 2, Episode 9: “Wrestling with the Future”

01:30: Mark-Paul looks much younger here.  Which makes sense because it was probably shot a year before “Day of Detention.”

01:50: Wow, three cheerleaders today!  Such a big team.  Like the 91-92 cast of SNL.

03:15: There’s no way that’s an acceptance letter Screech got from Princeton.  Everyone knows an acceptance letter is more of a packet.

04:25: “AC, I’m here to offer you a full scholarship to the University of Iowa.  Also, suck it, Spano!”

06:12: “West Point??? Isn’t that for gays?”- Slater

07:17: Actually, I think Slater would look 3, maybe 4, times better with a crew cut.

07:45: Where did Screech get the money for all those college applications.  Those things are NOT cheap.  Makes you think that the Ivy’s are trying to defer poor kids from applying to their schools.  Hmmmm….

09:06: First Major Dad reference!

09:45: We should attack Canada.  And then we can claim all their many fine comedians as our own.

10:08: Death to Canada! (except for their many fine comedians)

11:10: Looks like Jessie has another addiction problem.  Just replacing one habit with another.  Food instead of pills.

12:14: When did they change the lockers from orange to red?

12:27: Why are you yelling, Mr. Belding?

13:00: Oh yeah, I forgot that Zack committed another crime back there.  And this one involves the Military Police.  BIG mistake.

13:40: We should have seen more of this teacher.  I like how he looks like a human mouse.

14:10: This congressman sure likes playing with his shirt cuffs.  Makes me very uneasy.

14:30: Wait!  This whole thing was a set-up?  They wasted our precious Military Police resources for this?

15:30: Remember that fashion statement where you tuck your shirt in but then pull it like half-way out so it’s like a sail billowing from a mast?  Saved by the Bell was all over that.

16:55: Ladies and gentlemen, for your consideration, Mario Lopez: “Dad, they’re not our plans.  They’re your plans.”  Touching stuff.

18:00: It really would have been great if Jessie didn’t get accepted to any colleges and then had to turn to a life of stripping.  But there’s no way Elizabeth Berkley would have been up for that sorta thing.

19:20: My grandfather made me apply to Yale.  Since Zack was accepted I thought I was a shoo-in.  Nope.  Another lie Saved by the Bell taught me.

21:30: Oh, Slater’s in the locker room all alone.  What a change of pace.

22:20: You know, Slater, would it kill you to show a little patriotism?


4:29pm, Episode 10: “Drinking and Driving”

00:30: For some reason this episode seemed more edgy, more serious, more mature-themed than even the caffeine pills and “No Hope with Dope” episodes.  Drugs like that seemed so foreign to me at that time (and caffeine pills remain that way), but alcohol seemed a lot more close at hand.  There was much less emotional detachment from drinking and driving.  So, there you go.

02:44: Homecoming Queen Lisa Turtle?!?!  Yeah, right!  They should have just retired the thing after Kelly won it.

03:50: TO-GA! TO-GA! TO-GA!

04:22: Ox’s brother’s ID worked.  See what I mean?  This issue was totally more realistic.

04:40: Boy, Slater’s stance toward beer really changed in a matter of seconds.  Talk about a complete 180.

05:45: This might actually be the most realistic episode Saved by the Bell ever did.

06:00: Wait, was this party on a Thursday night?

06:45: Oh, boy, here we go.  I got a bad feeling about this ride home.  First of all, they’re still in their togas, which, if it’s not illegal, certainly doesn’t seem like a good idea.

07:51: Oh, no!

08:10: DUI.  Just another law broken by Zack Morris.

08:50: Ladies and gentlemen, for the second time, Mr. Derek Morris!  Dude looks good in a beard.

09:00: Oh, now we’re making fun of the homeless?  What happened to the compassion you showed for Laura and her dad?  OH MY GOD, WHAT HAPPENED TO LAURA AND HER DAD?

09:30: What’s the big deal about Mr. Morris calling Lisa’s house if her mom’s not home?  That seems like the ideal situation.

10:20: HANGOVER!

10:40: Crashing a car and then scrambling to fix it?  Kinda sounds like “The Wicked Step-Brother,” doesn’t it?  Just another recycled plot line.

13:45: MAN UP, SLATER!  If Mark Sanchez can play with an injured soldier so can you.

14:00: Bayside must be the only high school with six homecomings per academic year.

16:50: You’re no queen, Lisa!  Kelly is the queen!  LONG LIVE KELLY!

17:29: Really, Sylvester, you want Zack’s phone?  It’s like a novelty item by this point.

18:30: Boy, Zack’s really a terrible liar.  It’s amazing he gets away with so much.  Although, I guess that explains why he usually gets caught.

20:00: Zack, just admit you got in an accident.  There’s no need to bring the beers into this!  What did they ever do to you?

20:48: Ha.  Lisa Marie Turtle. Good one, Saved by the Bell.

22:30: “And the Emmy for Guest Actor in a comedy series is the dude who played Zack’s dad in ‘Drinking and Driving'”

22:40: Seriously, really great stuff from John Sanderford.  I really got sucked in there.

23:00: But the best part about this episode is that Tori was barely in it.

4:57pm, Episode 11, “Class Rings”

00:30: Oh, man.  Not another Tori episode!

01:30: Zack and Tori dating?  Ew.  Gross.  Blech.

03:00: I think Lisa aged six years in the interval before the Tori episodes.

03:30: The return of Max Nerdstrom!  Nice.

04:40: First “open relationship” reference!  Really progressive stuff.

05:30: Only Tori can look more feminine by donning a man’s blazer.

07:30: Yeah, this guy seems trustworthy.  You know how you can tell?  The grease, the chest hair and the gold chains.

07:45: Ladies and gentlemen, Tony winner for the Producers, Gary Beach, in his finest role, shady ring dealer Gem Diamond.

08:00: Fun Fact: Beach reprised his role as Gem Diamond in a 1996 episode of California Dreams (true), as far as we know the only character to crossover between the shows.

08:15: Also, we have to assume Beach is the only Tony award winner, or any EGOT winner, to appear on Saved by the Bell. What a coup!


14:00: Yes, Tori, cement your love with Screech.  And leave Zack alone.  It’s better that way.

15:30: It’s good to see that they haven’t abandoned the glowing pink line for split screens this late in the game.

16:00: Looks like Zack is getting a taste of his own medicine.

19:00: Um, Slater, you’re going to have to pay for that jukebox.

19:40: Uh, oh!  Looks like Dustin Diamond had the giggles.

20:10: Wait, but Screech really attacked Slater and Zack.  What a jerk!

21:50: So Screech is dumping Tori because he thinks he could do better?  What a jerk?  I mean, he’s right.  But what a jerk!

22:40: BLECHHHHHH (Zack and Tori kiss). Zack go wash your mouth out.  With lye (that’s mean, sorry.  You can use witch hazel).

5:20pm, Episode 12, “Love Machine”

00:48: I’ll be honest, I don’t know what episode this is.  Kind of exciting!

01:10: I never thought I’d be so excited to see Jessie.

01:55: Okay, by my count (which is accurate), this is the third time they’ve had to invent a product for a class project.

02:45: Who’s Slater’s partner and why is she allowed to talk???

03:00: Oh, that’s what episode this is, Slater’s girlfriend from Germany!  Kind of a misleading title.

04:45: Oh, so Jessie and Slater are still dating?

05:20: Great Stars & Stripes outfit, Kelly.  Finally, someone here shows some patriotism.

07:00: C’mon, there’s no way Slater and Jennifer could have thought they were still obligated to each other.  It’s not like they had Facebook to stay in touch.  That would have changed everything.

09:30: Why would Slater want her number, Jessie?  Oh, maybe because they’re old friends?  And because Facebook wasn’t invented yet.

11:30: Wow, Jessie is vicious.  It’s a shame she wasn’t around to put Tori in her place.

13:35: “Can you rush that order?”  You want to rush a hamburger, Jennifer?  That’s called “rare.”

14:25: Slater, you’re really being a douche right now.  What you’re doing is known as cheating.  Like Kelly did to Zack with that jerk Jeff.  You’re not Jeff, are you, Slater???

15:30: Did Jennifer borrow those shorts from Kelly?

17:50: You know, Jessie, maybe the reason you didn’t get into an Ivy League university is that you graffiti school property.

18:00: More great disguise work from Zack.  I think Dana Carvey stole the idea for The Master of Disguise from this show.

19:30: Fifth Kevin Costner reference!  This show really had a hard on for KC.

20:00: You’ve changed, Jennifer.  You’ve changed.

21:00: Elizabeth Berkley really makes for a convincing old man.

22:00: Jennifer and Albert Clifford have grown apart.  And one day so will Jessie and Slater.

22:30: Sixth Kevin Costner reference! (we’re counting it!)

23:00: “And so she [Jen] vanishes never to be seen again?” My roommate, totally getting the hang of this show.

5:48pm, Episode 13: “Isn’t it Romantic?”

01:30: Valentine’s Day episode!  How appropriate!

02:00: And no Tori!  Even better!

02:10: And a return to the Zack-Kelly romance, right?!

03:10: Oh, wait, is this just a clip show?

03:15: Yep, this is just a clip show.

03:20: The Kelly Kapowski cardboard cutout!  Still creepy!  Still want it!

03:35: Aw, they look so young.

05:30: Zack and Kelly’s Prom!  Best moment ever.  It’s like I’m reliving my own youth.

07:00: Hmmm…do we keep going with this episode?  I have very little desire to relive Screech’s pursuit of Lisa.

07:46: I’d be much more interested in this episode if they showed clips of every romantic interest that vanished never to be seen again.

08:34: Big Pete!

09:00: You have to imagine one day Lisa’s wardrobe made its way to a homeless shelter and they were all like “no way.”

10:20: Oh, okay, Slater and Jessie are broken up.  Silly me for thinking what happened in the previous episode has any bearing on this one.

12:20: We can certainly relate to seeing visions of Kelly around our bedroom.

12:45: No!  Zack and Kelly are breaking up!  Agh, I hate that Jeff!  THIS NEVER GETS EASIER.  This isn’t romantic at all.

14:40: Oh, look, Violet!  She lives!

15:30: And I guess my roommate was wrong, Jennifer vanished to be seen one more time.

16:00: ARGH, JEFF.  Why would they put this in a clip show?  Eviscerating my heart once wasn’t enough?  C’mon, man!

17:00: That’s right, Kelly.  Zack was the best thing that ever happened to you.

18:40: Turns out this episode does contain a lot of the romantic interests who vanished only to be seen one more time in this episode.  And it turns out I’m not more interested in it.

19:30: Except for Jennifer the nurse!

20:21: Fat joke!  Glad they revisited that one.

22:00: I’m sad to see Valentine’s Day go.”  “Well, it’s not over yet.”  “What do you mean?”  Well, Lisa, for starters, it’s 1pm.  Dummy.

22:30: Never get tired of a Zack and Kelly smooch.  Nice!

Wednesday, 3:02pm, Episode 14: “The Will”

01:11: These guitar licks never, ever, get old.

01:25: Photos of Zack and Tori kissing?  UGH.  I’m trying to eat an avocado cheddar sandwich here!

03:00: Tori on the field hockey team?  C’mon, I’m trying to have some Trader Joe’s Ridge Cut Salt & Pepper potato chips here! (delicious, fyi)



05:45: Don’t you dare insult softball, Slater!

05:56: Riot!!! It’s like Egypt in that auditorium (too soon?)

06:30: “Of course, we’ll settle this by an old-fashioned boys vs. girls treasure hunt.  The Bayside way!”

08:00: Shouldn’t each team have received the same clues?  Isn’t that the only fair way to do this, Mr. B?

08:50: Ladies and gentleman, Classic Concentration.

09:00: They probably wouldn’t need the inheritance money if they didn’t waste thousands of dollars on this dumb competition.

11:10: Of course you lost to Tori.  You should have known you couldn’t beat her when it comes to automotive repair.  Duh.

12:30: I thought Slater was a world-class baker.  This should have been no sweat.  They shouldn’t have had to cheat.

12:55: Use a fork, Mr. B! Gross.

15:45: You know, you guys can change out of your uniforms now.

16:00: Big Pete!

16:49: Where would Zack even carry his phone in those sweatpants?

17:15: So basically Tori said no sex until the girls get the money.  That’s cold, girls.  Although, I’d say that works out pretty well for Zack.  Y’know, cause Tori’s gross.

19:00: “You know, you two are wrecking one of our last 12 dances” – Zack.

19:49: They also probably wouldn’t need the inheritance money if they didn’t constantly blow their budget on an excessive amount of dances.

20:50: JUST TAKE THE MONEY, GIRLS.  This is no time to get all high and mighty and “we want to win fair and square.”

21:00: Something I never wanted to hear Tori say: “We limbo!”

21:26: Looks like Lisa is wearing something from the Macho Man Randy Savage collection.

21:40: Apparently limbo acting is really difficult.

3:30pm, Episode 14: “Teacher’s Strike”

00:33: Yay, Kelly!

02:40: Oh, Jessie works at The Max now?

02:45: Oh, she’s filling in for Kelly.  Oh, no!  That means there’s no Kelly in this episode.  Son of a…

04:48: These are kind of inappropriate things for Mr. Belding to say about Valley, let alone the Bayside teachers.

05:15: This episode should be titled “Academic Bowl,” because, let’s be honest, that’s what we all remember it for.  Specially for “MVEMJSUNP”

07:00: Just another crime perpetrated by Zack Morris.

08:40: Really, would teachers strike during the school year?  On a Friday?

09:35: Mr. Tuttle really has  fascinating body.

10:15: “The Academic Bowl?”  That’s all you care about Jessie?  What about all the knowledge that will be lost by the strike?  What about shaping the impressionable young minds of Bayside’s youth?  You’ve changed, Jessie.  You’ve changed.

12:04: This strike would have never happened if Kelly was around.

12:35: Oh hey, there’s that mousey, impish, knome-esque teacher we liked so much.

12:40: See?  The strike is over and we’re only halfway through the episode.  Such a misleading title.  At its heart this episode is about the academic bowl.  That’s all Jessie cared about anyway.

14:00: Hey, Valley nerds!  See, Valley is just like us!

16:30: Looks like Zack is going back to his Native American roots with that shirt.

18:30: You know, Zack, with that 1502 SAT score of yours would it have killed you to try to win the Bowl fair and square?  Like the girls won the inheritance money.  Via the limbo.

19:30: Great question about the dwarfs in the Brothers Grimm’s Snow White.  That was an important piece of trivia we’ve carried with us all these years.

20:38: Wouldn’t the nerds be terrible at sports  question anyway?  Why did Zack have to trick them into studying football?  Seems like a waste of time for everyone.



22:40: WHERE’S KELLY?????

23:00: Oh!  Maybe she’s finally modeling in France.  It’s about time!

3:57pm, Episode 16: “Slater’s Sister”

00:22: Seems like they really ran out of ideas towards the end of the series.  “Um, Slater’s girlfriend?” “Yeah, perfect!  What else?”  “Um, Slater’s sister?” “Love it!”

01:55: Oh, now Bridget Wilson is subbing for Kelly at The Max. Would have preferred if she subbed for Kelly as a member of the gang and they left Tori out of this.

02:05: Okay, this is probably the most ridiculous thing they’ve ever done.  “Any more ideas?”  “Um, they order lunch doo-wop style?”  “Gold!”

02:30: C’mon, that’s a joke right?  Even Zack Attack was mildly convincing.  Well, no, no it wasn’t.  But better than that.

04:48: Slater’s sister even looks like his girlfriend.  Ew.  In fact, I’m not entirely sure it’s not the same actress.

06:25: Fun Fact: Rana Haugen, who plays Slater’s younger sister in this episode, is actually 5 years older than Mario Lopez (true).

09:45: It’s like Tori raided MC Hammer’s grandfather’s closet (Fifth MC Hammer reference! (Counting it!))

10:00: Wait, what happened to Zack and Tori dating?  Now he’s dating J.B.? Not that we’re upset about that.  We’re thrilled.  It’s just another curious unexplained plot move.

12:20: It’s kinda weird that Zack has the hots for Slater’s sister, isn’t it?  Wouldn’t he be creeped out if he made out with her, seeing Slater’s face?  Well, at least she doesn’t have a jheri curl.

13:45: Big Pete!

14:00: Boy, things really got weird here.  Did Mr. Belding kill that bear himself???

14:31: I really don’t think it’s safe to start a fire in the school gymnasium.

14:40: They really should have had Big Pete replace Screech in the Academic Bowl.  Or Gary from the Malibu Sands volleyball team.

15:50: Ummmm, Zack, Slater’s talking about you….Duh.

17:05: Ah, there we go, now Zack is seeing Slater’s face when he tries to kiss J.B.  We forgot about that, so we take back what we said before.

18:43: That’s right, Slater, she’s not a little kid anymore!  She’s also 5 years older than you.

19:00: Just because Zack and J.B. aren’t dating doesn’t mean Zack can’t talk to anyone else at the party.  Sometimes this show MAKES NO SENSE.

19:45: Oh, by the way, the dance is at The Max, because of course it is.

20:30: Well, there’s still the issue of Zack seeing Slater when he tries to kiss J.B.  And that’s not something Slater can explain away with a few words of apology.

21:00: Oh, I guess it was something he could explain away with a few words of apology.

22:00: Actually, this might be the same guy who dubbed Zack’s vocals for Zack Attack.  But, still, terrible.

22:55: Really, this was an episode I could have done without.  They were really reaching towards the end of this show’s run.

4:38pm, Season 5, Disc 3, Episode 17: “The Senior Prom”

01:35: Here we go, the 9th and final Prom of their high school career.

02:00: We not sure Tiffani Thiessen ever looked as good as she does later in this episode.

03:24: Ah, it’s so good to see Kelly back working at The Max.

05:15: And it’s so good to see Zack pursuing Kelly again.  Reminds us of simpler times.

06:08: Boy, Kelly really likes saying “hi” to Zack in this episode.  I hope she doesn’t already have a date for the Senior Prom!

06:42: Oh, she already has a date for the Senior Prom.  What a tease.

07:17: Mr. Belding, Perhaps Bayside would have more money for the prom if you didn’t already spend the budget on a masquerade ball, an inheritance dance, a sock hop, a Halloween haunted house, a Fall Ball, a Winter Jam, a Valentine’s Day Dance,  an Arbor Day gala, and a foam party.

11:04: “Zack, you’re always there when something bad happens.”  TOO TRUE.

11:30: Say “no” to Lisa, Screech.  JUST SAY NO.  You deserve better.

12:58: It’s good to see that after four years of high school Slater’s sense of style hasn’t changed.  Still rocking the cavariccis just like a champ.

14:24: That’s a pretty good western shirt and vest combo for Zack.  No homo.

15:00: Nice choreography by Mario Lopez and Elizabeth Berkley.  Not easy stunt work they just pulled off.

15:45: “I know, I’ll turn the heat all the way up.  That will make being stuck in this boiler room totally more bearable.” Good thinking, A.C.

16:50: Did Big Pete go to the dance with the girl who rejected Screech?  What a two-faced hypocrite that girl is.

17:45: Man, I would have been so pissed if my high school had a square dancing prom.  I wouldn’t have even left my stretched Hummer limo.

19:15: “Tragic news out of Bayside High this evening: two students, Jessie Spano and Albert Clifford Slater, were found dead in the school boiler room.  Cause of death is apparently dehydration coupled with heat exhaustion.  Sad, sad stuff.”- Tom Brokaw

19:30: Fun Fact: Mario Lopez and Elizabeth Berkley spent 3 days in a sauna preparing for this episode.

21:00: Yes, Kelly!  This does feel right!  The three of us belong together.

22:00: Seriously, this would have been the worst prom ever.

22:36: This is the way it should always be.  Smiles all around.

22:50: Still, just a terrible prom.

5:03pm, Episode 18: “The Video Yearbook”

01:25: Zack and Kelly are together in this episode, so it seems like a continuation of the prom episode.  However, this is a holdover from season two, so don’t be fooled.  The fact that it makes sense is purely coincidental (why they didn’t put it where it belongs on the DVD, like they wisely did with “Screech’s Birthday,” we’ll never know).

03:40: Wally the black nerd!

03:54: The character of Ox was a great upgrade over the character of Moose.  Ox had so many more shades.

05:30: The video yearbook just seems like a really boring, really long yearbook.  It’s like how most of the time on the internet I’d rather read an article than watch the author recite it.  It’s just much quicker to read it.  Fewer ads too.

09:28: We’re really getting to know some of Bayside’s less visible students in this episode.  It’s like one of those episodes of The Simpsons that highlights the peripheral citizens of Springfield.

10:30: Twins!

11:11: Sounds like Lisa will have more dates in one day than I’ve had in 27 years.

12:12: There must be another law they’ve broken here.

13:00: The “yearbook room?”  You mean, the only room in the school, don’t you, Zack?

13:35: Zack put every girl at Bayside on that video?  But with that many students the video must have been like 9 minutes long.

15:17: Amongst a spectacular career of terrible pants, these just may be Screech’s worst:

15:15: I tell you, those high-waisted black denims and western shirts really flatter Elizabeth Berkley’s body.

17:00: I’ve said it before, but I really think Zack and Jessie shared a closet.

18:00: Kelly, totally inappropriate outfit.

18:39: Probably the most egregious use of the timeout, right here.  We could buy that Zack had the power to stop time, but if he just vanishes into thin air, well someone would have to call bullshit on that.  Perhaps why they shelved this episode for two seasons.  It’s a pretty tableau though, isn’t it?

19:00: So was Slater going to actually punch Zack?  Seems like a pretty primitive, ineffective approach to problem solving.

20:29: Zack in drag, yet again. This guy was like the long-lost third Bosom Buddy.

21:10: Slater sure liked sitting on that ladder.

21:40: This is just like when Kip professed his love to Sonny on Bosom Buddies and revealed he dressed in women’s clothing just to be close to her.  Almost, shot for shot.

22:30: Fun Fact: In the original Saved by the Bell pilot script Zack was an amateur detective who used his aptitude for disguises to solve crimes.  This script was later adapted into what we know as Veronica Mars.

5:31pm, Episode 19: “Snow White and the Seven Dorks”

01:16: Second Snow White reference this season!

02:22: FYI, another holdover from Season 2/3.  I wonder if I could tell this was an old episode when I first saw it 18 years ago.

03:20: “A rap version!”  “Brilliant idea!”  This is back when doing rap versions of things was still somewhat acceptable, innovative even.  After Vanilla Ice made it okay for white people to try to be black.

04:26: Oh, wow, Mr. Bainbridge is totally trying to bring out Kelly’s Black Swan!

05:00: Now Kelly’s got it!

05:37: Way to ruin a classic, Jessie.

07:15: The best way to figure out what’s going on in any episode of Saved by the Bell is to look at the banner on the back wall of the hallway.

08:05: Hey, Mr. Bainbridge, this is high school.  Stop fixating on the kiss, you perv.  These are just high school kids, creep.

08:53: So now Zack has kissed Kelly, Lisa, Stacey, Tori and Jessie.  Boy, the dude sure gets around.  Another season and Zack would have needed to pair off with Slater.  And probably have contracted herpes.

10:24: Oh, c’mon Zack, how could you start to like Jessie?  Unless, you’re interested in borrowing her clothes.

11:22: Apparently the easiest way to find out someone’s romantic feelings is to ask them if they want a soda.  “I’ll have a diet lips.”  “Bring me one Zack.”  That’s the power of cola.  And you don’t need no credit card to ride that train.

13:08: Finally Screech is where he belongs.  With the dorks.

15:10: You guys can’t quit!  What if Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie quit Mr. and Mrs. Smith.  Then Jennifer Aniston would still be married.  And then what would People magazine write about??

17:00: Lesson learned: you can kiss anyone you want, as long as it doesn’t mean anything.  Especially if it’s for the theater.  Especially if it’s a hip-hop version of a classic faerie tale.

18:04: Haven’t said this in a while, but isn’t Slater cold in just a tank-top????

18:43: One revision to something we said earlier: Zack and Jessie could also share jeans.

19:40: Remember: LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS!  Literally this time (except for the ships sinking part).

21:10: Kelly with some nice ad-libs!  Has someone also taken improv at the UCB?

22:00: Fun Fact: The French Prince himself Will Smith wrote the original music and lyrics for this episode.  He was originally slated to play dork #3, but an Aunt Viv crisis kept him from traveling to set that day.

22:30: WORD!

Thursday, 10:52am, Episode 20: “Earthquake!”

01:30: An episode that makes no sense to anyone outside of Southern California.

02:15: A baby pool, Zack?  That seems almost pedestrian at this point.  Literally, child’s play.

02:30: Big Pete!

03:40: Oh, good, Mr. Heimlich, played by Saturday morning TV’s foremost Hitler impersonator.

04:40: “Your earthquake drills are new to me and frighten my primitive mind” – Tori.

06:35: And you thought living in the Palisades was all fun and games.  Nope.  It’s a fucking deathtrap.

07:36: “Tori, stop being a dummy!” – EVERYONE.

08:30: Mrs. B is a babe!  Nice catch, Dick!

11:00: Although, if she keeps eating like that she’s going to have trouble losing those pounds.

11:23: Soap on a rope.  CLASSIC GIFT.

12:12: For a baby shower they made up at the last-minute they sure pulled it together nicely.

13:15: Hey, guys, ever heard of cleaning up after yourselves?  Sheesh.

13:50: “Alright, extras, pretend there’s an earthquake!  That’s right!  Shake!  Move around!  Wiggle your hips.”

14:30: As usual, Slater’s in the locker room by himself.

15:40: I know they’re stuck in this elevator, but I don’t see why Zack doesn’t do what he always does and go through the 4th wall.  (NAILED IT)

17:20: Boy, being stuck in a room with Screech sounds like a little slice of hell.

18:30: “Everybody, stand back!  I know kung fu.” – Nice kick, Slater

19:20: C’mon, Tori, suck it up and help deliver this baby.  You’re so annoying right now.

20:00: All this time we had no idea there was an elevator in the school. And we didn’t know the only hallway and only classroom and Mr. Belding’s office were on the ground floor. Unless the parking lot is on the roof.  With the pool.

20:45: Big Pete!

22:05: And because of this episode we were under the impression that it’s really easy to deliver a baby.  And when they come out they’re not all slimy and red and gross.  And there’s no umbilical cord.

11:14am, Episode 21: “The Best Summer of My Life”

01:21: Another clip show.  Ugh, c’mon guys.  You avoided this trope the whole series and now this is the second clip show this season.  Disappointing.  Way to phone it in towards the end.

02:30: As we have little desire to relive Malibu Sands, we’re going to skim right through this one.

03:30: The only thing notable about this episode is Zack’s hair.  Much more surfer dude than usual.  A precursor to his College Years look perhaps.

04:40: If Screech is over at Zack’s house does that mean school has ended?  Kind of ruins the excitement of a sick day.

08:15: Ugh, Stacey. Well, she’s better than Tori at least.

08:35: Oh, Palm Desert.  I forgot they included these clips.  Well, I guess it can’t hurt to watch a few good romantic Zack and Kelly clips.

15:34: Is Zack wearing leg warmers or were socks really that thick in the early 90s?

16:23: Call me, crazy, but I really don’t think that Jessie and Kelly were really on the end of that phone line.

17:00: Pretty sure this is the last original material they shot for the series.  Probably realized after the fact that they still owed NBC another 22 minutes.  Or they just were looking for away to avoid having Tori in another episode.  That explains Zack’s hair.

21:39: Oh, and it just ends with the same clip from the last Malibu sands episode?  It doesn’t cut back to Zack’s bedroom?  So we’ll never know if Jessie and Kelly made it off campus?  Well, that’s a loose end that’s going to haunt us forever.

11:30am, Episode 22: “School Song”

02:44: Big Pete!

03:00: Tori, who invited you?

03:22: They really tried to push the musical talent of the gang in these Tori episodes.

05:15: Zack, what are you worried about?  You’re Babyside legacy is already set.  You’re a living legend.

07:21: Lark Vorhies actually voice isn’t so bad.  Kind of has a Jewel quality to it.

08:03: Man, that Louise would be really pretty if she didn’t have glasses.  But, wow, glasses.  Woof!

08:52: Got to give Mark-Paul Gosselaar credit for making such an asshole so likeable.

09:35: Hmmm, sounds like Mario Lopez got to provide his actual voice here too.  Guess the budget was tight for this episode.  Probably blew it all on the doo-wop band.

11:01: Seriously, what was wrong with Screech?

11:12: Zack is all like “It’s called rock n roll.  Your kids are gonna to love it.”

11:35: And this is Gosselaar’s real voice too!  I’m really impressed with the courage of this episode.  Or perhaps it was just sheer laziness.

12:30: But Screech played the same piano as Tori; how come his song wasn’t out of tune, ehhh?

13:45: Fun Fact: The actress who plays Louise’s real name is Lara Lyon, which is a pretty cool name if you ask us.

14:14: Ewwwww, Zack!  Don’t kiss Louise.  SHE HAS GLASSES!

14:55: MVP of the Tori Episodes: Big Pete, no contest.

17:50: To be completely honest, Zack’s song really isn’t that much better.  They should have just anointed “Friends Forever” as the school song.

18:50: I guess what helps make Zack a redeemable, likeable character is that he usually gets his comeuppance.

19:10: SABOTAGE!  Zack finally gets a taste of his own medicine.  Lemon extract.

20:05: I’m not sure I like the Glee Club without Scott Wolf.

20:34: Dustin Diamond was always the worst lip-syncer.  We doubt he even tried.  Somebody thought he was too cool for school.

21:34: Wonder what a more accurate school song would have sounded like. “That jerk Jeff stole Kelly; every dance was at the Max; Mr. Belding was an incompetent buffoon, and this whole thing with Tori makes no sense.”

21:55: We’ll work on it.

3:36pm, Episode 24, “Time Capsule”

So what we’ve decided to do here is switch the viewing order of the last two episodes.  For some reason “Time Capsule” is after “Graduation,” which just seems counter-intuitive and anticlimactic.  So we’re going to skim through this clip show and get to the grand finale.

01:41: Clearly they just wanted to map the gang from the class of 2003 to each member of the class of 1993.  Except that they combined Kelly and Jessie into one girl, and made her a nerd.  Curious.

02:51: “The class of 1993 had a special relationship with their principal.”  I’ll say.

03:06: Food for thought: at the end of The New Class in 2000 Mr. Belding took a job as the Dean of Students at the University of Chattanooga.  So that either contradicts the events of this episode OR Mr. Belding immediately got fired from the University and promptly returned to Bayside.  We like to think it’s the latter.  Just so everything stays in canon.

07:15: You know, considering what they thought Dennis Haskins would look like in 2003, and what he did look like in 2000, Haskins aged pretty well.  Although his portended 2003 look does approximate his current look pretty well.

07:58: OMG, Mr. Belding LOVES the class of 1993.  And by the class of 1993 we mean six specific students and absolutely nobody else.

12:40: Ah, four years of cross-dressing.

13:36: “I’m Jessie Spano, class president, and the most boring, least likeable member of the group.” – Jessie

15:00: “Also, I’m a former speed addict.  You guys have speed in 2003, don’t you?” – Jessie

16:45: “You’ve probably watched that video of me freaking out YouTube.  Classic!” – Jessie

17:30: Oh, big surprise, the Guido kid likes Slater.  Obvi.

19:00: I bet if the gang saw this time capsule video they’d be totally embarrassed.  Especially Slater. “Oh man, I can’t believe I rocked that mullet.  Gross.  And I’m so embarrassed that I liked Jessie.  Yuck!”

19:10: Okay, we’re being unnecessarily mean to Jessie so we’re going to lay off.  And just enjoy the Kelly portion of the video.  Yay!

21:00: “Man, in 2003 us dudes never do anything fun like put on some neon tank tops, and dance around in our socks to the Beach Boys.  Those guys knew how to party!”

22:44: How would Zack know that high school is the best time of your life.  At this point he doesn’t have nearly the life experience to make that sorta claim.  Really myopic, short-sighted stuff on his part.  And, call us crazy, but we think he’ll have a better time in college.  And then being married to Kelly will be even better than that.  And then they’ll settle down, raise a few kids and Zack will grow rich with some savvy investments.  That’ll be the best time of his life.  That is, of course, until the SEC uncovers his Ponzi scheme and he spends the rest of his life behind bars.  But right before that.  Just the best.

4:14pm, Season 5, Disc 3, Episode 23, Production Code 6383, Series Episode 86, Original Airdate May 22, 1993, 8pm: “Graduation”

00:20: Eh, I’m kinda over this.

02:05: It’s a little confusing that this episode came so quickly after the Snow White storyline.  Of course, that episode was shot a season or two earlier, so it wasn’t intentional, but nevertheless it’s jarring.

04:22: We have a sneaking suspicion that Mr. Belding orchestrated this whole Zack being a credit short of graduation yarn so he could spend more time with him.  10 years later Mr. B is pretty honest about how much he loves Zack.

04:40: Big Pete!

07:18: Really great use of the supporting cast in this episode. Actually, strong work from the back line during the whole final season.

08:10: We just realized we’ll never have to see Tori again.  Yay!

09:20: Fun Fact: During the wrap party following this episode the cast and crew also celebrated Lark Vorhies’ daughter Vanessa’s Sweet Sixteen.  Everyone involved said it was a lovely affair.

10:35: More bad news?!  “This performance of Swan Pond is cursed!  It’s also completely fictional!”

12:20: Let’s not celebrate quite yet, guys!  Wait until you see the replacement’s Zack recruits (hint: it’ll be Slater and Screech).

12:48: Wow, that a pretty incredible leap by Mark-Paul Gosselaar.  Swan Pond? More like Swan Leap!

13:28: And the show ends the way it started, with Slater dancing and Mario Lopez in tights.

14:00: Good thing that Zack and Slater have those pieces of cloth covering their codpieces.

14:35: “And that’s the show, folks!  You paid $10 for a three minutes of amateur dancing.  Get home safe!”

15:55: See? Zack can’t wait to get out of Bayside.  Best time of his life my left foot.

16:36: At this point, Screech should be used to getting a kiss on the cheek from Lisa.  JUST MAKE OUT ALREADY.

17:15: “Oh, fuuuuuuuuck.” – Classic Lisa.

17:42: Oh, Lisa, so now all the sudden you’re Screech’s biggest fan now?  Get real.

18:00: “A personal note, you Seniors have given me more memories than all my other students at Bayside.  And when I say you Seniors, I’m, of course, referring to Zack, Kelly, Slater, Lisa, Jessie and Screech and them alone.  Honestly, I don’t even know anyone else’s name.  Well, except for Big Pete.  Yep, my relationship with those six students was entirely inappropriate and unprofessional, and I can only hope that in a year Screech comes back to be my assistant, even though he’s wildly unqualified.” – Great graduation remarks, Mr. B.

18:45: “Whaaaaaaaa?” – All the nameless students at Bayside.

19:10: One has to wonder if Columbia withdrew Jessie’s acceptance when they found out she wasn’t valedictorian.  DUMMY.

19:30: “No one’s made me feel better than my best friend Zack.’ – Great graduation remarks, Screech.  You totally deserved to be valedictorian.

20:30: Zack, now’s the time to declare your eternal love for Kelly.  DO IT.

21:21: Wow, to hand out diplomas to all the students at Bayside it’ll take like three, maybe four, minutes.

21:30: Big Pete!  Graduating!

22:18: “You know, son, you have something very special inside of you.  I hope I’m around to see it when you let it all out.” – MORE great graduation remarks, Mr. B.

22:25: “I know this really isn’t the time and place for this, Zack, but I have to tell you, you are, without a doubt, the single most important person in my life.  Your absence will leave a gaping void in my heart that I fear I will never quite fill, but I know that I will you carry your presence with me always.  I’m a better person for knowing you, Zack, and I can say without exaggeration that you are the most magnetic, charming and magnificent creature to ever walk through the walls of Bayside.  This school will be losing a legend, but the world will be gaining a young a man of mythic proportions.  Zack, I love you with every fiber of my being, every dark corner of my soul, truly, madly, and deeply.  Thank you for being the light of my life.”  – Wow, Mr. B, strong words.  And all you could tell Lisa was “Looking sharp?”  We sure know who your favorite is.

20:37: Not such a successful leap this time.  He literally gets negative air on this jump:

22:50: “We graduated!  On to The Max!!!”

23:10: And now Zack, Slater, Screech and Kelly are off to completely different colleges.  They will not all be enrolling at Cal U in the fall.  Which is a shame because I imagine that with a co-ed suite and a tough but well-meaning RA who might have been a former NFL defensive tackle they really could have had some good old-fashioned hi-jinks.  Slater could have gotten a job at the campus center, discovered his Latino roots; Kelly could have transferred in mid-semester, began an ill-conceived romance with an anthropology professor, got a nursing job at campus hospital; Zack could have developed a friendship with said anthropology professor and then met his match with a female dean played by Bosom Buddies‘ Holland Taylor, Screech could have continued his romantic failures but on a grander college scale; and Zack and Kelly could finally fall in love again and elope.  If only.  But if they’re scattered across the country at different campuses I guess that’ll never happen.  But it’s nice to dream about.

23:30: FIN.

1 Comment

Filed under Buffy & Hildegarde, Count Bleh, Crucial Taunt, Fashion Show at Lunch, LOST, Mars Investigations, Masochism, Rip-off, Saved by the Bell, Saved by the Bell Project, Yasmine Bleeth

One response to “‘Saved by the Bell’ THE FINAL SEASON

  1. Nicole

    The lark voorhies divorce fact is very false. She wasn’t even married then… Her and mark were probably still dating.

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