We’re bringing this “daily” feature back after a too long hiatus (mostly because we’ve been busy, but also because our search terms everyday for the last six weeks have all been some variation on “Survivor Federal Agent Phillip”), today working with a non-Phillip term, “www.cbs/jeffprobst.” Last week on Redemption Island Probst played with fire, just dying for a fine from the FCC and a rash of angry letters from the Parents Television Council. Luckily, he toed the line, and while it seemed like he was just begging to blunder (a la Jenny Slate), he managed to somehow get out the following challenge commentary without explicitly describing a lewd act (but certainly suggesting it). We included this in our recap, but it’s worth posting again. Probst, living dangerously!
Oh, and if you were really curious (although, why you would search for a url, we don’t know), check it: cbs.com/jeffprobst
This is it, guys! Merge time! And the end of Redemption Island!
Which would have totally been a surprise if they didn’t already tell us this in the preview for this week’s episode. And they didn’t just tease the game changer, but pretty much announced it. Which is kind of regrettable, as it took away a potential surprise in the midst of a run of pretty mundane episodes.
Also pretty regrettable – to us at least – is that the producers chose to coincide the merge with the reentry of the Redemption Island ultimate warrior back into the game. That’s too neat, too obvious, and we reckoned it would be too much all at once. Wouldn’t have it been more enjoyable, more entertaining if the Redemption Island duels continued while the remaining players vied for Individual Immunity? In short, in crass terms, our concern was that combining these two moves would pretty much be the equivalent of the show shooting it’s load. Would that be the case? We should see.
Keep reading: The Christian, The Sheppard, and The Last Supper
A few weeks ago we posited that the tattoo on Former Federal Agent (?) Phillip’s right shoulder looks more like a pimp than a lion. But even then we knew there was a better comparison, but we just couldn’t think of it. It was on the tip of our tongue, at the very precipice of our cerebral cortex, but we should couldn’t find it. Until now.
It’s Beverly Hills hairstylist and Jackée Harry’s ex-husband to Elgin Charles! DUH!
See for yourself:
Jackée, what do you think?
Well, agree to disagree.
This (semi) daily feature is explicitly designed to give the people what they want, to basically sell-out to catch a few new readers. But today’s post goes beyond our usual pandering, basically equating this blog to your typical trashy, exploitative rag. But, hey, turns out we’re not above that (or this).
Nearly all of today’s search terms referenced Survivor: Redemption Island. But instead of giving you another Phillip-centric post (which you will get later), we’re going to go with another term. Quite simply: “survivor kristina boobs.” Let’s be honest, this is pretty much the reason the Internet exists.
You’re welcome, America.
Over the last couple years we’ve become ardent devotees to the concept of “Occam’s Razor,” the tenet that the “simplest explanation is most likely the correct one.” There’s a similar paradigm that works itself into any season of Survivor, but focuses less on the simplest explanation and more on the theory that players will make their moves based on the belief that the other competitors will make the correct, smartest decisions. Unfortunately, as the show as often proved, playing that way does not always lead to the best results. And we saw an example of this again last night.
But more on that later. First, (as teased last week) Matt arrives on Redemption Island and Francesca is shocked (shocked!) it wasn’t Phillip who was voted out by the Ometepe tribe earlier in the night. He had no allies, posed no threat, and basically begged for mercy, so why would Ometepe (and its leader, Boston Rob) want to keep him around? Oh, yeah, for those very reasons. Phillip may be a loose cannon, intolerable, and borderline bipolar, but right now, as Rob says, he’s a loyal solider. Plus, he’s endlessly entertaining. Back at Ometepe camp Rob breaks down the alliance, explicitly telling Phil that he’s the fifth person on a five-person alliance and Phil is basically responds “Cool! Just happy to be here! Thanks, Rob!” And then they seal Phil’s blind allegiance with a first bump, which in the three federal agencies that Phil used to serve in is tantamount to swearing on one’s parents’ graves.
More: Our first Inferno-The Furnace-The Gauntlet-The Meatgrinder Duel. Followed by puss-filled rashes, water torture, dumb strategy and dumb luck. The Probst man cometh, does the bell finally ring for Russell?
When we heard Former Federal Agent (?) Phillip release a deep, guttural, primitive grunt (twice) during the Survivor: Redemption Island premiere we couldn’t shake the feeling that we had heard that noise somewhere before.
(Also, we really have no idea what he’s talking about here. Something about male lions sniffing each other and dancing. Is he divulging a crush on Boston Rob?)
But then it dawned on us.
NHL 93. A body check. SFX #2.
Does this mean that when Phillip informed his tribe that he was a former federal agent for three government agencies one of those organizations was EA Sports? Was Phillip, in fact, part of a deep covert operation to provide the sound effects for the greatest sports video game in the history of video games? Have we uncovered Phillip’s classified resume?
YOU MAKE THE CALL
Sure seems like it.
This season we’ll be taking our ‘Survivor’ recapping talents to Gawker TV. However, we’re going to also offer expanded, “Director’s Cut” recaps on this blog. So here we go. Day One.
The challenge for Survivor: Redemption Island is going to be keeping us interested in anyone not named Boston Rob or Russell Hantz. Our fear going into the premiere was that the presence of these veterans would overshadow the new Survivors. However, for one episode at least, we got just enough Boston Rob and Russell while also introducing some intriguing new cast members. We’re not entirely convinced that there are any personalities that can match up to the two masterminds, but judging from an explosive, unbelievable, train wreck of a first Tribal Council, we’re in for a season of crackpots and fireworks.
But, before we get there: helicopters! And Probst just enjoying the feel of the cool Nicaragua air hitting his face.
Read on: Phillip announces he’s former federal agent (?), Kristina makes a move too early, Russell and Rob play it cool, and the most insane first Tribal Council ever. Plus, our first A-B-C phrase of the season…