About 3/4 of the way through the Survivor finale I turned to my viewing companion and said “If Sandra wins it might just ruin the whole season for me.” A season, that up to that point, had been arguably the greatest in Survivor history. But he calmed my fears, assuring me she wouldn’t win, and I thought “yeah, you’re right she’s not winning.” It was just a moment of weakness where I let a worst-case impossible scenario appear to be a viable outcome. But I quickly blocked out that preposterous notion.
Well, the good news is that, three nights after the finale aired, I do not feel that the season was ruined by virtue of its final vote. However, the bad news is my nightmare came true. Sandra won. For the 2nd time. The castaway who has never won a single challenge won a second time.
NEVER WON A SINGLE CHALLENGE. IN TWO SEASONS. And this time around she didn’t win by being slightly less worthless than a glorified girl scout. No, this time she beat out Russell and Parvati, arguably the greatest strategist and greatest social player of all time, respectively. So what gives? How could this possibly happen?
Read on: The jury needs to grow up. Plus, our hero returns!
It’s been a busy few weeks in the outside world for Jumped The Snark, so there’s been nary a few minutes for updates, much do our dismay. But before we return to Survivor: All-Stars tonight we wanted to chime in with an A-B-C phrase that works for both of the last episodes. It’s a saying that covers JT’s schoolgirl note to Parvati, Parvati and Russel’s mean girl reaction to the note (see below), and Parvati’s tween brat explantation to Russel upon unveiling her hidden immunity idol (grinning and whispering “secrets”).
Vodpod videos no longer available.
With all this in mind, our overarching theme for the last two episodes is:
Always Be Children
Between the secrets, the cackling, the spiral notebook paper and the naiveté there sure has been some juvenile behavior out there. But, to be fair, between Russell in the former episode and Parvati in the latter, there’s been some brilliant gameplay as well. Tonight, we see if the captain of the football team and the head cheerleader turn their sights on each other or continue to rule the school together.
Or maybe it’s Sadie Hawkins Dance time (not sure how that applies).
Before we get into this past week’s Tribal Council, let’s hear from Amanda (I think it’s Amanda. Eight weeks in and I’m just now able to keep Amanda and Danielle straight. And Candace and Courtney).
Insightful stuff there, Amanda; really eye-opening.
So Coach claims to have survived an a choose your own adventure of dangerous predicaments in exotic locations, facing down vicious natives and brutal conditions with only his cunning (and tai chi) to protect him. Unfortunately, for Coach, here on Survivor: All-Stars he encountered the ultimate threat in the form of Russell Hantz. And no amount of tall tales of enduring against insurmountable odds could save Coach this time. And, really, he can boast all he wants about loyalty and cowardice, but he has no one to blame but himself. He refused to vote for Russell two weeks ago and then decried the result when Boston Rob was eliminated. And with his mancrush out of the picture he decided to take on the leadership role, and in doing so sent up the “varsity” team in the bowling reward challenge, because he so desperately wanted to win the bounty of a smorgasbord of (cold) pizzas.
More: Goodbye, Coach. And a new Survivor cookie???
We we came home to an unexpected treat last night. No, not the Rangers-Islanders game broadcast in 3D (because who besides Future Marty McFly owns a 3D TV? (although, I guess future Marty McFly would now be Present Marty McFly, but that’s there not here)). We’re talking about a special Wednesday episode of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains (moved up a night, as is the yearly tradition, to accommodate March Madness, or, as I think of it, Annual Exploitation of College Kids in Order to Line the Already Deep Pockets of Television Networks and Elite Universities While at the Same Time Deferring Attention From the Start of the Baseball Season Madness. Wow, two sports references in the first paragraph. We’ll stop, promise). And boy, was it ever special.
After our hero Lt. Tom Westman was voted out two weeks ago we* were glad that the show had a mini-hiatus last week. We needed the time to mourn, to come to terms, to learn to love again. And honestly, when the show started last night we didn’t know if we still had the desire. Perhaps the spark was gone. And when it soon became clear that Colby, Tom’s deputy and the last remaining true hero, and Russell, the most entertaining and devious competitor, were on the chopping block our excitement for the rest of the season was diminished even further. A show with no Tom, no Colby, no Russell (and no curmudgeonly Randy)? Would that even be a show worth watching? Why continue tuning in to see Rupert sacrifice his integrity for a weak alliance, to see James hobble his way through challenges and jackass his way through Tribal Councils, to see Courtney literally waste away, to see Sandra make it to the final three by doing absolutely nothing (and to begrudgingly see Boston Rob dominate physically and mentally). I’m just not sure that’s a show I want to watch.
And after the combination reward/immunity challenge, and the promise of both tribes going to Council, the show tried to tease us into thinking that Russell would maybe outsmart Boston Rob, and that perhaps the Heroes tribe would (a week too late) vote out James if he couldn’t beat JT in a footrace. But we knew better than that. They were just trying to create false drama, a faint, feigned glimmer of hope that our white knight and our red devil wouldn’t be going home. Sorry, Survivor, you can’t fool us that easily.
No, not this way…