‘Survivor All-Stars’: The Dragon Slayer Is Vanquished

Before we get into this past week’s Tribal Council, let’s hear from Amanda (I think it’s Amanda.  Eight weeks in and I’m just now able to keep Amanda and Danielle straight.  And Candace and Courtney).

Insightful stuff there, Amanda; really eye-opening.

So Coach claims to have survived an a choose your own adventure of dangerous predicaments in exotic locations, facing down vicious natives and brutal conditions with only his cunning (and tai chi) to protect him.  Unfortunately, for Coach, here on Survivor: All-Stars he encountered the ultimate threat in the form of Russell Hantz.  And no amount of tall tales of enduring against insurmountable odds could save Coach this time.  And, really, he can boast all he wants about loyalty and cowardice, but he has no one to blame but himself.  He refused to vote for Russell two weeks ago and then decried the result when Boston Rob was eliminated.  And with his mancrush out of the picture he decided to take on the leadership role, and in doing so sent up the “varsity” team in the bowling reward challenge, because he so desperately wanted to win the bounty of a smorgasbord of (cold) pizzas.

So with the merge on the horizon (after the Villains were faked out this week, lugging all their belongings to the reward challenge) the so-called Villains tribe decided to keep self-described “skinny bitch” Courtney, who had proven to be completely useless this season until she called Jeff Probst “Jeffrey,” supplying one of the episode’s more endearing moments.  Still, she’s dead weight, albeit about 80 lbs of it.

How do we sum up this episode in an “A-B-C” this week?  “Always be conned,” as the Villains were when they wrongly anticipating the merge?  No.  “Always be caught,” as JT was with the immunity idol?  Good option, but not this time.  No, this week, we will honor the man who values honor above all.  In semi-tribute, this week shall be:

Always Be Coach

Because with Coach joining Boston Rob, Tom, James, Randy and Stephenie on the sidelines, the show lost another of its most entertaining players, leaving us with only Russell among ciphers like Amanda, Danielle and Candace (Courtney would have been in this group if not for her Tribal Council coming out this past week).  Coach was certainly not my favorite player, and he certainly didn’t deserve to win, but there’s no denying that he’s endlessly enjoyable to watch (Probst would agree).  And he’s modest too!

Goodbye, Coach.  Your musings on fealty, your tears, your Canadian tuxedo and the feather in your hair will be missed.

One other note: it appears that someone on the Survivor website needs to work on his or her spelling (or at least run the spell check).  Either that or Nabisco has developed some sort of combination hero-oreo cookie.

Mmmm, that does sound good, doesn’t it?!?