‘Survivor: Heroes vs. Villians’ – All Hantz On Deck AKA “What Just Happened?”

We we came home to an unexpected treat last night.  No, not the Rangers-Islanders game broadcast in 3D (because who besides Future Marty McFly owns a 3D TV? (although, I guess future Marty McFly would now be Present Marty McFly, but that’s there not here)).  We’re talking about a special Wednesday episode of Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains (moved up a night, as is the yearly tradition, to accommodate March Madness, or, as I think of it, Annual Exploitation of College Kids in Order to Line the Already Deep Pockets of Television Networks and Elite Universities While at the Same Time Deferring Attention From the Start of the Baseball Season Madness.  Wow, two sports references in the first paragraph.  We’ll stop, promise).  And boy, was it ever special.

After our hero Lt. Tom Westman was voted out two weeks ago we* were glad that the show had a mini-hiatus last week.  We needed the time to mourn, to come to terms, to learn to love again.  And honestly, when the show started last night we didn’t know if we still had the desire.  Perhaps the spark was gone.  And when it soon became clear that Colby, Tom’s deputy and the last remaining true hero, and Russell, the most entertaining and devious competitor, were on the chopping block our excitement for the rest of the season was diminished even further.  A show with no Tom, no Colby, no Russell (and no curmudgeonly Randy)?  Would that even be a show worth watching?  Why continue tuning in to see Rupert sacrifice his integrity for a weak alliance, to see James hobble his way through challenges and jackass his way through Tribal Councils, to see Courtney literally waste away, to see Sandra make it to the final three by doing absolutely nothing (and to begrudgingly see Boston Rob dominate physically and mentally).  I’m just not sure that’s a show I want to watch.

And after the combination reward/immunity challenge, and the promise of both tribes going to Council, the show tried to tease us into thinking that Russell would maybe outsmart Boston Rob, and that perhaps the Heroes tribe would (a week too late) vote out James if he couldn’t beat JT in a footrace.  But we knew better than that.  They were just trying to create false drama, a faint, feigned glimmer of hope that our white knight and our red devil wouldn’t be going home.  Sorry, Survivor, you can’t fool us that easily.

But wait.

You did.

First, in what is perhaps the dumbest move in Survivor history (in a season filled with dumb, dumb, moves) Russell managed to bait Tyson into essentially voting himself out.  Boston Rob, the Svengali, thought he had all the bases covered, a foolproof plan that would result in the ouster of Russell or Parvati, a win either.  But, while the strategy may have been foolproof, it wasn’t complete idiot proof, and, unfortunately, that’s what Tyson proved to be.  Thus, Russell, after a brilliant, ballsy move bestowing his immunity idol on Parvati, and appealing to Coach’s ideals of truth and loyalty, survives to scheme another week.  Did the bullseye on his back just add another ring?  Probably.  But at least we have a good reason to tune in next Thursday.

And that fascinating chess match of a Tribal Council would have been enough.  But the surprises weren’t over.  The Heroes then continued to show that they have really no clue how to play the game, or at least they are changing their strategy with the tides.  Last Tribal Council they voted out Tom, clearly their best physical player after a healthy James, pretending that even with a busted knee James had more value to the team.  And this week, when Colby not only finished the challenge behind James but also trailing Rupert (or, as James described them, a cripple and a fat guy), and basically laid down his sword, the Heroes decide that James is dead weight, or at least eats too any bananas (which, I agree, would get on my nerves), and send him on a death march down the four flights of stairs leading out of Tribal Council.  So clearly, they voted out Tom not because he was less valuable than James, but because he was a greater threat, and to cling to a strong alliance on a withering team.  But now they’ve done an about-face, and they’re left with no Tom and with a weakened alliance.  With heroes like these who needs villains?

So now for our A-B-C of the week.  Always Be Colby’ing?  Tempting.  Except, in this season, that would mean continually getting hosed in challenges (save for the one you were incredibly focused for and then subsequently sat out).  No, this week’s adage is:

Always Be Confused

Because Boston Rob sure was:

And after the Heroes vote, so were we, even if we were happy that Colby will live to fight (?) another day.

In its entirety, watch Russell make his gambit, observe the smug smacked off Boston Rob’s face and see Tyson realize he really, really, fucked up.

Vodpod videos no longer available.

And, yes, even after all of this, we’re still bitter about Tom.

*Usually “we” refers to the royal “we”, but in this case “we” is me and Steve.