Out of Curiosity: ‘The Love Guru’

So a couple months back I was adding some items to the Netflix queue and on a lark I decided to include The Love Guru, just out of sheer curiosity.  I never thought it’d actually come though, I assumed we’d keep bumping other more important things up to the top.  But then lo and behold one day the mail arrived and my roommate exclaimed “Guess what came?!”  Immediately I was overcome with a sense of immense guilt.  Yep, The Love Guru.  Still, even then, I was skeptical that I’d ever watch it.

But then I decided to give it a go, just to find how bad it might be.  And at a crisp 87 minutes, at least it’ll be quick and maybe not painless.  And then I thought, why not blog about it?  So here we go.

• As I wrote the preceding paragraph the DVD menu loaded and I’ve heard the same grating Indian song probably 15 times now.  Not a good start.   At least this is Blu-Ray.  The stereotypes will be extra sharp!
• Opening titles:  Well, there’s that song again.  Enough already.
• 00:45 – First appearance of the traditional Mike Meyers “Oh, hi, I didn’t see you there,” face.   See: Wayne’s World.
• 01:51 – Stephen Colbert as a hockey announcer.  Reminds me that I first had reservations about this movie when the trailer seemed to feature more funny moments from Colbert than Myers.  Oh, well, I guess I had concerns way before that.  Probably when I first heard Myers was combing an Indian Guru and Hockey.  How did it take so long for this dream combination?  So obvious!
• 03:25 – Justin Timberlake.  Oh, well, not even this movie could hurt his stock.
• 03:45 – At least Verne Troyer can look forward to a career in Mike Myers movies.
• 05:20 – 1st musical number: Indian tinged version of “9 to 5.”  Very reminiscent of the dance scene early on in the first Austin Powers.
• 07:30 – Ah, the Mariska Hargitay joke.  Really?
• 07:50 – Hey, John Oliver!
• 08:50 – So far the movie has referenced Britney, Paris, Lindsey, Brad and Angelina.  Doesn’t realize that just name-dropping celebrities isn’t funny?  Oh, right.  Obviously not.
• 09:50 – Ugh, flashback scene in which they’ve CGI’d Myer’s face on a teenage boy’s body.  Just as creepy as it was in the trailer.
• 11:00 – Wonder if going cross-eyed is Ben Kingsley’s secret talent.
• 13:20 – Electric Company spoof.  You know, for the kids.
• 14:00 – “Guru Hathasmalvena” – Basically still riffing on “Alotta Fagina“
• 15:30 – Booger joke.
• 15:50 – Jessica Simpson joke.  Featuring Jessica Simpson.
• 16:10 – Val Kilmer cameo.  Sadly, I fear this will be the highlight.
• 16:35 – And Mariska Hargitay cameo!  Cause they use her name as a greeting.  Get it?!  Cause I don’t.
• 17:52 – I feel like this character is Austin Powers disguised with a wig, a beard, a prosthetic nose, and a sorta Indian accent.  I guess because that’s really what it is.
• 18:30 – Basically ripped off the “mole” jokes from Austin Powers.
• 19:20 – Oprah cameo.  This movie must be setting a record for cameos.  It’s already been like a whole season of Will & Grace condensed into 20 minutes.
• 19:40 – Main character and his potential love interest on a plane.  I bet this was about the same point in which Austin Powers and Elizabeth Hurley were on Austin’s jumbo jet in the first movie.  Maybe that’s a screenwriting tip I don’t know about.
• 23:00 – Oh, he’s going to keep traveling via a motorized pillow.
• 24:30 – Zamboni driver gets hit the face.  Twice!  LOL!  ROFL!
• 25:25 – Justin Timberlake’s character has a giant penis  Got it.
• 26:00 – Guru Pitka attacked by a rooster.  At least it wasn’t Verne Troyer again.
• 27:16 – Oh, close up on the crotch.  Seriously, we got.  Huge dick.
• 28:30 – I think if I was 13 I’d find this hilarious.
• 28:55 – Maybe I’d need to be 11.
• 29:05 – 8.
• 32:00 – Depends product placement?
• 32:30 – More toilet humor.  On a roll!
• 33:50 – Okay, I’m just going to say it, it’s weird enough to combine eastern philosophy and hockey, but Mike Myers, as an avid hockey fan, knows that there aren’t many Black stars in the NHL.
• 35:30 – Hockey montage.  Set to “Song 2.”  They really couldn’t find any song from this decade?
• 36:30 – Apparently Altoids is a sponsor of this movie.
• 37:40 – Referees don’t handout suspensions in the NHL!  This movie just lost all basis in reality.  I was totally with it up until now.
• 38:45 – Pitka holds Verne Troyer like an Oscar!  LMFAO!
• 39:00 – Troyer’s is office is on the 7 1/2 floor, evidently.
• 40:00 – I probably shouldn’t complain about this, but I’m not so sure Guru Pitka’s teachings are very effective.
• 41:07 – “Bohemian Rhapsody” callback!
• 41:30 – “Did you know a Dick Whithers at 85?…Well it does.”  Classic.
• 42:00 – Telma Hopkins as the no-nonsense, withholding mother.  Makes me wish I was watching Bosom Buddies.  Or at least Family Matters.
• 44:00 – Diarrhea noises.  Seriously.
• 44:30 – Ballgazing.  Maybe I needed to be in a frat to get this.
• 45: 10 – Rob Huebel!  And Tosh.0?
• 45:20 – It’s sad how much legitimate comic talent is wasted  in this movie.
• 46:30- Bar fight.  Pitka smacked around by little girls.  Moving on.
• 47:36 – Apparently Roanoke (Romany Malco) has to confront his mother in order to change and win back both his wife and the Stanley Cup.  Still don’t understand why.
• 48:20 – Hand job joke.
• 49:10 – In a vacuum I’d probably find this interpretation of “More Than Words” pretty entertaining.
• 50:50 – Is that guy supposed to be Pitka’s roadie?  Or a PA breaking the fourth wall?  Can’t tell.
• 51:50 – Scrotum jokes.
• 52:30 – Still making scrotum jokes.  And a penis joke.
• 52:45 – “Snappy…because alligators are snappy and at the same time I want it prompt.”  I get it.  It’s a homonym.  Are you sure this isn’t an Austin Power’s sequel?
• 54:10 – Stephen Colbert, doing yeoman’s work.
• 54:40 – Bangkok joke.  Troyer bangs the Guru’s kok.  Ha.
• 55:30 – Still don’t understand why Roanoke needs to confront his mother.
• 55:45 – Well, you have to give credit to JT for really committing to the role.  Too bad he couldn’t have just hosted SNL instead.
• 57:30 – Oh, he can’t play hockey in front of his mother.  But don’t understand why this is a problem as she never came to his games before.
• 59:40 – These fake NHL game graphics are actually kinda amusing.  A Kings logo pumping bullets into the Maple Leaf, maybe NBC should use that this season.   A nice call back to the old Fox Robots.
• 1:00:45 – “Brimful of Asha” by Cornershop.”  Oh yeah, I remember this song.  Always hated it.
• 1:01:45 – Penis joke.
• 1:02:00 – Verne Troyer is a midget joke.
• 1:03:00 – Could have used a few more Daily Show correspondents, past or present.  Ah, who am I kidding, that wouldn’t have helped.
• 01:04:50 – Looks like that’s the end for Colbert.  That’s a shame.  Lost the best part of the movie and still 20 min left.
• 1:05:15 – Why is game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals being played during the day?  Do your research!
• 1:07:15 – Motorized pillow returns!  About time!
• 1:07:30 – Dell Customer Service joke.  Perhaps my favorite moment so far.
• 1:10:00 – The last three minutes have kinda been okay!
• 1:10:15 – I bet Jessica Alba is nice in real life.
• 1:10:30 – And then a “wee wee” joke ruins it.
• 1:11:00 – Rob Blake doesn’t play center.  The hockey inaccuracies are appalling.  Myers should have known American audiences wouldn’t tolerate that.
• 1:13:30 – Verne Troyer is tiny.  Check.
• 1:14:30 – Elephant sex.  Srsly.
• 1:14:40 – Colbert returns.  But even he can’t save this.
• 1:16:15 – Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup!  Only in a movie.  Ha, take that Leafs fans!
• 1:162:20 – Mike Myers and Kanye West cameo.  This movie just folded in on itself.
• 1:16:50 – And there we go, Deepak Chopra.  Only 10 minutes left, will be there be any more cameos???
• 1:17:30 – Verne Troyer is a Keebler Elf.  They just keep ’em coming.
• 1:18:10 – I wonder if they’re going to do the Mega Happy Ending.
• 1:19:05 – And goodbye Ben Kingsley.
• 1:19:20 – You know what this movie was missing?  A Bollywood rendition of “The Joker.” Oh, wait, here it is.  Whew.  And for a second it seemed like he was going to nail Jessica Alba.  Crisis averted.
• 1:20:45 – Still going.
• 1:21:05 – Oh.  The end.  That’s it.  It’s sad that I was kinda hoping for more at the end.
• 01:21:20 – Outtakes?  Wait, the whole thing wasn’t an outtake?
• 01:21:40 – Oh, it was just one outtake.  And just an improvised Verne Troyer is small joke.  At least in this instance it was Troyer making the joke.
• 01:22:35 – Going to watch all these credits.  The movie could still redeem itself, you never know.
• 1:23:35 – Craft Service by Star Grazing.   And I thought the zings were over.
• 1:24:59 – Oh, you can bet I’m going to pick up the soundtrack.
• 1:25:20 – Well, maybe I’ll just download it on iTunes.  Not sure if I can wait to go to the store.
• 1:26:40 – “This motion picture is inspired, in part, by real people, institutions and events.”  Really?  Do the three Austin Powers movies count as real people, institutions or events?
• And it’s officially over.  Not even a tease for the sequel!  What a gyp!  Totally had me until then.
• Ah, still can’t stand this song under the menu.

Let’s, just to be masochistic, take a look at the special features.

• What’s the difference between a blooper and an outtake?
• A featurette on how they made the hockey scenes look authentic.  Or tried to.  But if they really wanted it to seem authentic they wouldn’t have let the Leafs win the cup.  Ha!  Piling on the Maple Leafs for no real reason is way more fun than watching this movie.
• You know, they did do a pretty good job with the hockey scenes.  Kinda wish they just cut out all the Guru Pitka scenes.  Then they would have had a real film on their hands.
• I will not be watching Deleted and Extended Scenes.  My sense of wonder does have its limit.
• Okay, Bloopers are flubs and sneezes and nonsense words, and Outtakes are jokes that didn’t make the cut  But then what are the Deleted and Extended Scenes?  So confused!
• “Mike Myers and the Love Guru: An Inside Look.”  Do I want more of this.  Well, sorta.  I feel like I’m owed some kind of explanation.
• Alright, well that was 87 minutes (+ bonus features) of my life that I’ll never get back.
• That all being said, still holding out hope for Wayne’s World 3.  Or at least a Simon movie.

Final thoughts:

Wayne’s World is still one of my all-time favorite movies, one I continue to quote often, and despite my increasing distaste with the Austin Powers franchise with each subsequent installment, I still cherish the first one (in fact, I think I originally saw it in the theater twice in three days).  However, for the past ten years Mike Myers has been disappointing me.  Not counting The Cat in the Hat or his voice work in Shrek, Guru is really the first Mike Myers movie since Goldmember, but really, it’s just a variation on a theme, the exact sensibility that ruined the last two Powers films.  Outside of a surprisingly good cameo in Inglourious Basterds, Myers hasn’t really impressed since the original Austin Powers, all the way back in 1997.  After portraying all these characters I think it’s time for Myers to step out from behind the fats suits and the makeup and do something a little less broad, something a little more real like So I Married An Murderer.  He needs to throw out the Austin Powers playbook and lose the disguises, or else he’s going to end up in Norbit-land.  Much like I still hold out hope that one day Weezer will return to the glory of The Blue Album and Pinkerton, I maintain an affection for Mike Myers, and hope to one day once again laugh with him and not at him (although with The Love Guru it was less laughing at the movie and more frustrated head shaking).  I’m still crossing my fingers for a Mega-Happy Ending.