Season 1, Disc 1, Episode 1: “Dancing to the Max.
1:03pm: And we’re off!!!
1:03: Already sick of the theme song, after hearing during the DVD menu for 10 minutes before starting.
1:04: Oh, yeah, Ed Alonzo! Miss that guy. “You know what this show needs? A magician! He can own the kid’s local hangout. The one with all the jagged edges. The logical progression from Pee-Wee’s Playhouse.”
1:05pm: Only took 2 minutes for Mario Lopez to dance. Took less than a second to see him sporting a neon tank top.
1:06pm: We forgot that the show originally aired out-of-order, and the DVDs follow this, with the first meeting between Zack and Slater not showing up til later in the season set. Kind of jarring, but we guess this is how Peter Engel wants us to view these episodes.
1:07pm: First crazy teacher!
1:09pm: First slapstick moment, bubble gum coming from Zack’s trombone!
1:10: Jessie’s first time dancing! Look at those mom jeans!
1:11: Should also note this is Mario Lopez’s first time playing the drums on Saved by the Bell, picking up where he left off on Kids Incorporated!
1:12: Casey Kasem! Do kids know who he is now? Do kids know who he was then?
1:13: Now Mr. Belding is dancing! Everyone getting in the act! Go Big Bopper!
1:14: Screech dancing with a doll. Creepy. Foreshadowing?
1:15: Zack and Jessie dancing! Nice purple sweats Zack!
1:16: First fantasy sequence! Jessie is growing at an exponential rate.
1:16: Jessie has a problem! It’s drugs! Oh, wait, that’s later. She’s just too tall.
1:17: First Kareem Adbul Jabar reference!
1:18pm: First locker room scene. How come Smithtown High School didn’t issue us school branded gym attire?
1:18pm: Think we might have just seen Mario Lopez’ junk.
1:18: First gay panic joke.
1:19: Dancing! Good thing we didn’t make that a drinking game. We’d be drunk before episode 2.
1:20: Byron is a real dick for dropping Lisa for injuring her foot. And he already had a back-up lined up? Whoever that girl is must have serious self-esteem problems. Don’t settle for second best!
1:21pm: Everyone’s dancing at the Max!
1:21: Prop comedy, courtesy of Ed Alonzo!
1:22: The Spandex Twins! Where’s they get the money for those outfits? Also, the Spandex Twins sounds more like the original name for the Ambiguously Gay Duo.
1:23: Apparently the show spent so much money on Spandex they could only afford one song.
1:24: Why is everyone cheering for Screech and Lisa? They’re outfits don’t even match? They should be disqualified! Even the Spandex Twins and the Powerhouse Preppies are rooting for them. That’s why you’ll never win!
1:25: The end.
Episode 2: “The Lisa Card”
1:27: Zack in Cavariccis!
1:28: Max serves magic burgers. Man, in those days people really didn’t consider where their food came from. I bet those burgers come from magic cows that are fed magic corn. Which we all know is NOT part of their normal magic diet.
1:31: Second fantasy sequence! Lisa’s telling her dad about the credit card bill. He’s not happy. Screech as the Grim Reaper!
1:32: It’s kind of sad that the casting of Lisa Turtle in a role meant for a Jewish American Princess would be heralded just as much if it happened today. Guess we haven’t come that far.
1:32: Miss Wentworth! She’s much more exciting when she’s giving a lesson subliminal messages.
1:34: So Zack is basically Lisa’s pimp. Take that, Skins!
1:35: I think what Screech is trying to do Lisa here could be qualified as sexual harassment.
1:36: How did Zack get into all these lockers? That’s breaking and entering. A lot of laws being broken in this episode.
1:37: Twins! How come those girls didn’t get their own Sister, Sister?
1:37: First transvestite joke?
1:38: Second transvestite joke.
1:39: Belding went to the prom with his sister. First incest joke?
1:40: Kelly Kapowski in a bathing suit! TAKE THAT, SKINS! Also, is this child pornography?
1:41: Why is Zack selling Lisa’s clothes against school rules? It’s the least illegal thing they’ve done so far?
1:43: “You want toasted buns? Go sit on a microwave!” How does that make sense? That’s what you do if you want to get cancer, not warm up.
1:43: “I used to be a bus boy in Bolivia.” – Slater. What?
1:44: First Benny Hill sequence!
1:46: “What kind of wardrobe for Lisa’s dad?” “Oh, Bill Cosby. Don’t overthink it.”
1:47: “Let’s go to the Sizzler!” Because that’s where rich people in southern California do right???
1:48: EVERYTHING WORKED OUT IN THE END!
Episode 3: “The Gift”
1:50: No chapter selection on this DVD, btw.
1:51: First Sesame Street reference!
1:52: Cavaricci’s! Double belt loops! Looking sharp, AC!
1:52: Bomber Jackets!
1:53: How could Kelly captain the volleyball team and the cheerleading squad? Oh, well, there are somethings we shouldn’t ask questions about.
1:54: 1989 was a bad time to be a crotch.
1:55: Sometimes this show requires sunglasses.
1:55: Micro Machines man!
1:57: Jessie, no smoking in class!
2:00: Screech was struck by lightning at 8:30.
2:01: First appearance of the giant cell phone!
2:03: Zack making the moves on Kelly when he has her alone in his room. Kinda sketchy, dude.
2:04: First Richard Dreyfuss reference!
2:05: First Patrick Swayze reference!
2:06: Impersonating the principal. Another misdemeanor.
2:07: Oh, and this episode also includes slavery. Or indentured servitude if you prefer.
2:09: Who’s calling Zack when he’s in school? It’s like when everyone had pagers in middle school. Who’s paging who? You’re all in the same building!
2:09: We would have liked to take that test. Colonial history is our thing.
2:10: Slater biceps!
Episode 4: Fatal Distraction
2:12: Making fun of Arabs?
2:15: First Bon Jovi reference!
2:19: Why does Jessie have a pair of jeans framed on her wall?
2:20: Third fantasy sequence! Teenage girls in nightgowns! Typical teenage boy imagination.
2:21: First Dennis Quaid reference!
2:23: Just realized that by bugging Jessie’s room they’ve broken yet another law.
2:24: Dustin Diamond as Michael Jackson! Who’d have thought he’d outlive MJ? (oh? everyone?)
2:25: How does that violate Bayside’s dress code?
2:27: The 80s: When shirts were short, waistlines were high and sleeves were pushed all the way up.
2:29: First female hormones joke!
2:30: In what is a game-changing moment in the history of television, Zack breaks the fourth wall.
2:31: The Max seems like an inappropriate place for a school dance.
2:32: Boy, Zack really wears a lot of salmon and lavender. Ahead of his time!
2:33: Sounds like Rhonda is going to rape Zack.
Episode 5: “Screech’s Woman” and lunch
2:48: “Dustin Diamond is kind of a weird little dude. I bet he has trouble getting girls. Let’s base an episode on that.”
2:51: Bomber jacket!
2:53: Mr. Belding is NOT having an affair with a student, Slater.
2:55: If Screech fell in love with “Bambi” didn’t he really feel in love with Zack. Ew.
2:57: I really like Zack’s bedspread.
2:58: Ah! Max! How did you make those flowers suddenly grow?! Black magic!!!
2:59: Cross-dressing! For real this time.
3:00: Did Slater just hit on Zack? Somebody has a fetish.
3:01: Zack in drag looks exactly like someone. Maybe a man. Maybe a woman. We’ll think of it. Sophia Loren? Oh, we know.
3:03: Trying to go the bathroom with Kelly. What a pervert.
Episode 6: “Aloha Slater”
3:05: Breaking the fourth wall, breaking the fourth wall!
3:06: Pretty sure Belding has a crush on Slater.
3:07: First ‘Nam joke!
3:11: Man, Zack really is a dick.
3:13: Terminal illnesses, always good for a laugh!
3:15: “This is Study Hall, not Soul Train!” A reference as dated now as it was then.
3:17: “Brillo head,” a term of endearment that will grow to later greater prominence on Boy Meets World.
3:18: C’mon, fifteen-year-olds can’t just move to Hawaii. Not even on this show (seventeen-year-olds, as you’ll see later, can certainly visit however. And Kelly’s mention of her uncle sets the groundwork for Saved by the Bell: Hawaiian Style.
3:22: Seems like Lark Vorhies, Elizabeth Berkley and Tiffani Amber Thiessen really learned to hula dance for Slater’s going away party. Nice commitment, guys!
3:25: A nitpick, but Slater starts the countdown before he pulls the pin on the grenade. Poor commitment, guy!
Episode 7: “The Substitute”
3:31: Ms. Simpson! Let’s make fun of the hearing impaired!
3:33: I remember as I kid I was like “When is Saved by the Bell going to do a Shakespeare episode???”
3:38: Did Mr. Tony Craine just cop a feel with Kelly?
3:38: First Coneheads reference!
3:43: Zack and Slater join forces! History is made!
3:43: Fourth fantasy sequence! Brides!
3:45: Ha, they think they’re in love.
3:45: Mario Lopez really has that classic hourglass figure.
3:48: Really interesting choices by the actress playing the actress from the pizza commercial. You know, the third pepperoni.
3:51: Mr. Craine is moving on. Lesson learned, girls: Don’t go chasing waterfalls.
Episode 8: “Cream for a Day”
3:54: Valley girl and surfer dude impressions. You really stuck it to them!
3:54: Double belt loops! So flattering.
3:55: Only nerds have retainers!
3:56: Chemistry was never as close to as fun as it looked on TV.
3:56: You’ll drink both malts, Kelly? Really? I thought you wanted to win Homecoming Queen.
3:57: 1st ALF reference!
3:59: 1st Gorbachev reference! And glasnost! Who knew that Saved by the Bell was so steeped in the final days of the Cold War?
3:59: 1st Jason Bateman reference!
4:00: 1st George Michael reference! And a poster! This show is like Family Guy now.
4:01: Fifth fantasy sequence: Kelly the Red-Nosed Homecoming Queen.
4:02: Slater, aren’t you cold?
4:04: Would have liked to have seen more of Crater Face Coburn in later episodes. Could have been their Urkel.
4:05: Why are people putting Zit-Off on acne-free areas? They’re just asking for trouble.
4:09: Zack suggests they’ll laugh about this in college. Great prediction!
4:11: Nobody tucks a t-shirt into jeans like Jessie Spano.
4:12: Hey, Slater, you’re not supposed to wear your football pads to the pep rally (which is at The Max, of course).
4:12: Kelly really does look terrible with a maroon face.
4:13: Plus, those boots are kinda slutty.
Disc Two, Episode Nine: “Pinned to the Mat”
4:21: Of course the career fair is set up in the hallway, AKA their only set.
4:23: Zack and Slater just basically told Kelly they want to fuck her.
4:26: Seventh fantasy sequence: The future!
4:27: How did they know that Dennis Haskins would grow a mustache later in life? So prescient!
4:29: First FloJo reference!
4:29: Nothing wrong with two dudes straddling a bench in the boys locker room.
4:31: Career “week” kind of seems a little excessive.
4:32: Aren’t you cold, Slater???
4:33: “I like to cook the way I feel. And I feel good!” That doesn’t make any sense.
4:35: Is Nedick, Valley’s #1 wrestler 30 years-old? Or 40?
4:36: Why are they the only ones ever in the locker room?
4:38: And why are their lockers in the “gymnasium?”
4:40: Why is the referee so smiley?
Episode 10: “Beauty and the Screech”
4:43: Second George Michael reference!
4:44: Is that Gene Shalit as the science teacher?
4:46: First Yoda reference!
4:47: First appearance of Kevin, Screech’s sentient Robot. Skynet is online!
4:48: Wonder how much of the budget they blew on Kevin.
4:49: Oh, c’mon, Kelly! You don’t have a crush on Screech.
4:50: This show really makes me crave terrible crinkle cut fries.
4:51: Lots of 3/4 sleeves during this era.
4:52: 2 shakes, 1 straw.
4:52: Screechy? Kel-Kel?
4:53: Now it’s making me want pizza. That will definitely happen.
4:55: “Kelly and Screech???” One of the best SBTB montages for sure.
4:57: Eighth fantasy sequence: Zack and Slater as nerds! Cause they have glasses! And suspenders! And watches!
4:58: Dustin Diamond is totally cracking up as Screech Bond in the fantasy sequence. We never noticed that.
5:00: “Screech, you can’t elope!” “Who are you calling a cantaloupe, you melon head!” This line kills. I think you can hear actual laughter off-screen.
5:03: I would have been so terrified to just stand next to Tiffani Amber Thiessen at fourteen years-old, let alone talk to her, so you have to get Dustin Diamond some credit.
5:04: It’s really cute that Zack and Slater go to the concert together. Aw. That’s all.
Episode 10: “The Friendship Business”
5:05: A different version of the theme song with a totally different singer. Totally weird.
5:06: You can start to notice Mark-Paul Gosselaar growing up and filling out.
5:06: First appearance of Mr. Tuttle!
5:06: Surfer dudes! I think one of this is actually Survivor winner Fabio Birza, even though he was less than a year old when this was shot. Cardboard surfboards!
5:08: Zack totally just used the friendship bracelet as an excuse to touch Kelly’s arm.
5:09: Ninth fantasy sequence: Lifestyles of the Rich and Shameless! With Robin Screech!
5:10: Looks like this episode displays slave labor and illegal working conditions.
5:11: I think that’s the same blue dress Kelly wore in the future in the fantasy sequence from “Pinned to the Mat.”
5:12: “The hottest idea in school and we’re all in it together:” Used in most Saved by the Bell promos from 1991-1995.
5:13: Zack may be a dick, but he’s also a skilled entrepreneur.
5:14: Buddy Bands promo video!
5:15: Pretty sure the seed money from Mr. Tuttle wasn’t enough for lasers.
5:15: They really didn’t understand how to design jeans in 1989.
5:16: Max just hatched a chicken from an egg that was in his pocket and no one bats an eye! That’s not weird???
5:17: Zack might be a took, but he’s also a skilled entrepreneur. But he’s also often a pimp.
5:19: Boom mic!
5:23: Should have said “all sales are final,” guys!
5:25: Seriously, Max, you’re freaking us out!
5:27: Ummmm, “Love Cuffs?” I’m pretty sure that’s something else. Something totally not appropriate for a high school business class project.
Episode 12: “The Mamas and the Papas”
5:30: Zack really wants to fuck Kelly. Also, for some reason she can’t him taking to the audience.
5:33: Our first “macho pig???”
5:33: Lisa’s aerobics outfit is amazing.
5:34: Tenth fantasy sequence: a Screech nightmare! (that really would be the most frightening thing in the world)
5:35: “‘Who should we get for the teacher in this episode?” “Actually, we spent all that money on Cavariccis, so just have Haskins do it.”
5:36: Zack, take a cold shower!
5:37: First Hispanic housekeeper joke!
5:39: It’s weird that after 10 episodes Lisa is only now allergic to Screech. And then never again after this one.
5:40: How come the other students in the class don’t get to play house too? So unfair. “You guys just watch the popular kids. And don’t ask questions.”
5:43: Child abuse.
5:45: “This show is super-cheesy, huh?” – My roommate. Yes. Yes it is.
5:47: Can’t believe Max closed down the entire restaurant on a Friday night for a class project.
5:48: Max just pulled a live duck out of a menu. A LIVE DUCK!
5:50: I’d hate to be the busboy at The Max right now. “Hey guys, here’s some bread. See you in Bio on Monday.”
5:51: “You guys couldn’t make your marriage work. You pass!”
Episode 13: “Save That Tiger”
6:04: Whoa! Max pulled a full-size sword out of his pocket. How does he do it!
6:04: Kelly wearing PINK again. Also, this is our least favorite Kelly hairstyle. Far too bang-y.
6:07: Possible first use of “Momma” by Slater. Seminal moment.
6:07: Valley got them GOOD.
6:09: We recently saw Valley Principal Stingwell in an episode of Golden Girls. And we knew it was him. Even after all this time. Kind of scary.
6:11: Must have been a huge hassle to get blue lockers for the Valley set. Or repaint all the red ones. And then repaint them back.
6:13 Terrible cheer Jessie. Terrible poetry too.
6:15: Stan from Valley is definitely 45 years-old.
6:16: More kidnapping.
6:17: Eleventh fantasy sequence: award ceremony for the Prank World Championship.
6:21: Tiffani Amber Thiessen wearing a wig?
6:23: Look! A third cheerleading squad! So it’s totally authentic.
6:24: “Um, Mr. Belding, it’s kind of weird that you jumped in our signature handshake celebration. Don’t do that.”
Episode 14: “The Election”
6:46: Going to do some Wii Fit free step while I watch. Keep loose. Really earn that pizza.
6:46: Weird theme song again! WTF?
6:47: Kelly’s hair is much better in this episode.
6:48: First appearance of Mr. Dewey!
06:51: Of course the Student Body President election rally would be at The Max.
6:52: OH MY GOD! Max just lost his hand! Oh, no, no, it was just a joke hand. Sorry.
06:53: First FedEx reference!
06:54: Jessie is totally Tracy Flick. Except Jessie has tucked her necktie into her jeans. Of course.
06:55: You know, for a smart kid, Screech is really a moron.
06: 57: Mr. Belding bellybutton. Ew. Guess that’s where Will Ferrell found his inspiration for the Blue Oyster Cult sketch.
6:59: Second Gorbachev reference! First for Fidel Castro!
7:00: Zack is really entering his Alex P. Keaton phase.
7:03: Jessie, I don’t like how you’ve compromised your ideals to win the election. It’s disgusting.
7:05: Second references for ALF and Jason Bateman! (what gives?) Also, the first for Gilligan!
7:07: First jab at DC poltics!
7:08: Zack and Jessie, FRIENDS FOREVER!
Episode 15: “The Zack Tapes”
7:13: Ah, the standard theme. So much better.
7:15: It must be nice to go to a school that has the budget for individually labeled heart necklaces that the boys can give to the girls when they ask them to the Sweetheart Dance.
7:16: Ladies and gentlemen, fictional pop superstar Bo Revere.
7:17: “We’re still meeting tomorrow with my favorite California girl, your mother.” – Mr. Belding to Zack. Ew, Mr. B.
7:17: Ms. Wentworth is back! You sneaky, sneaky woman, missing with the fragile, impressionable minds of Bayside’s youth.
7:18: I think Ms. Wentworth has confused subliminal messages with hypnotism.
7:19: Remember Zack, with great subliminal message power comes great subliminal message responsibility.
7:20: Second episode in a row to joke that Zack is Belding’s son. Hmmm.
7:21: Lisa really needs to take out a restraining order.
7:24: Revenge of the Nerds!
7:25: Martin Short cameo!
7:26: Finally, some more cross-dressing! Say hi to Barbara Bush!
7:32: Is mind control a felony?
7:33: “Yeah, I’ll take three minutes of the entire school’s time to teach Zack a lesson. Sure.” – Mr. Belding
7:34: The Walking Dead totally ripped off this episode.
7:35: Ms. Wentworth, you cougar!
Season 1, Disc 3, Episode 16: “King of the Hill”
7:46: Finally, the pilot episode. Makes no sense for this to be the 16th episode on the set, even if it aired that way. It was another chance to turn it all around, guys!
7:47: Oh, a voiceover retconned in to explain why this episode appears now: “I’ll never forget Slater’s first day.”
7:48: See, this episode makes to be first because Zack breaks the fourth wall right away, establishing the show’s boundaries.
7:48: Always wanted that cardboard cutout of Tiffani Amber Thiessen. Still do.
7:50: Getting out of the gate with a leprosy joke!
7:53: I don’t know Lisa, I think having a locker right next to the boys bathroom would be more of a drawback. Like the back row of a plane. A plane filled with high school boys.
7:54: Mr. Dewey’s real first appearance!
7:56: The genesis of Max’s fake hand comedy.
7:57: And a novelty giant thumb! Max is killing it right now!
7:59: Oh, and there’s Mrs. Simpson again. For the first time.
8:00: My other roommate just asked me if I can handle this much Saved by the Bell. I told him I don’t know. But we’ll see what happens.
8:04: Man, Zack reeeeally wants detention.
8:05: Twelfth (but first) fantasy sequence: Zack and Kelly’s romantic eternal date in detention. It was our dream too.
8:06: Oh, no! It’s just Zack and Slater!
8:07: Mr. Dewey was a fascinating character. He deserved more.
8:08: Zack and Slater will never be friends. NEVER.
Episode 17: “The Babysitters”
8:10: I have some questions about Kelly’s parents if they went to a ski lodge and left their newborn in the hands of their 15 year-old daugther.
8:12: Sure are a lot of people at The Max for 7am on a school day.
8:13: Pretty certain a gym bag is a terrible place for a baby.
8:15: Little known fact: Kelly’s baby brother Billy was actually played by Mary-Kate Olsen (but not Ashley).
8:16: Wait, Max, if you’re taking photos on campus, who’s watching The Max?!
8:18: Why are Zack and Slater arguing over who gets to put on Billy’s new diaper? Seems like either one should be happy to let the other do it.
8:19: Thirteenth fantasy sequence: Zack and his future son. Cats in the cradle and silver spoon.
8:29: Max just pulled a dove out of thin air. Was he carrying that around all day? That’s not normal.
8:30: Everyone knows, babies hate Slater. Right, Mario Lopez?
Episode Eighteen: “Close Encounters of the Nerd Kind”
8:33: Shooting a student film, Zack has a pink script. Nice touch.
8:35: “Oh, stop being a stiff pickle, okay?” – Kelly. Um, what?
8:37: Jessie’s idea of being inconspicuous is dressing like a flamenco dancer.
8:42: This government Special Agent is a real crack-up.
8:44: Max just drank a glass of milk with his finger. How does he do it??? I hope this guy never leaves the show.
8:45: This show would have been better if they took Screech to Washington and two years later Jessie’s like “remember our friend Screech who we pretended was an alien so we could make $1500 but then the government took him and probably cut him into pieces? That guy was kinda weird.”
8:50: Really sweet of Zack and Screech to share a bed the night before Screech’s last night of freedom.
8:52: AHHHHHH, multiple Screeches.
8:53: Mario Lopez in a Screech mask could easily be the killer in a horror movie. Or the next Saw.
Episode 19: “Slater’s Friend”
8:58: Legs are getting tired.
8:58: Don’t love Kelly’s hair in this one either.
9:00: There’s that Kelly cut-out again. Love that.
9:02: Thought we had our first Anne Frank joke. But it was Anne Klein. Kind of an easy target though, don’t you think?
9:04: Sorry for your loss, Slater. But don’t you think a fish would have been a more sensible pet anyway.
9:05: My biggest question here is how did they find to identical shoeboxes?
9:06: Fourteenth fantasy sequence: Prison line-up of Artie’s potential murderers, with Mario Lopez in a chameleon suit as the eyewitness. Also really creepy.
9:07: Jessie’s fantasy punishment: sit on a block of ice while in a swimsuit. Foreshadowing Showgirls?
9:08: Never get tired of seeing that cardboard cut-out.
9:11: You do NOT disrupt Coach Rizzo’s class. That guy could come in 3rd or 4th place in a Sylvester Stallone look-alike contest.
9:13: Oh, just realized, new crime committed: murder.
9:14: Coach Rizzo could also place in a Mr. Bergstrom look-alike contest.
9:16: Oh, Slater, get over it! How attached could you have gotten to an animal that always looks different.
9:17: One of the sadder, more somber endings.
9:17: Getting hungry. Going to order pizza soon. But only one episode left in Season 1.
Episode 20: “Screech’s Birthday”
9:19: Can’t wait to be done with this original version of the theme song. It’s karaoke at best.
9:21: Oh, this Hall Monitor is the worst!
9:22: could be my least favorite Kelly hairstyle. Is there a nest up there?
9:24: Kelly, why would you want to taste that cake? It’s for Screech’s birthday! The one you missed. Also, Max made it magically appear. It must be loaded with calories.
9:26: The way they nailed Hall Monitor Niel was basically a commercial for the Deluxe Talkboy.
9:26: Oh, Mr. Dewey, you’re great.
9:29: If Toni Colette ever leaves the United States of Tara, Thiessen, Berkley and Vorhies could totally step in.
9:31: Fourteenth fantasy sequence: Robo-Screech!
9:33: How do you suppose Screech gets Kevin to school?
9:34: What do you suppose Screech would do if he forgot Kevin at home? This?
9:35: Man, Screech has turned into a total DICK. Power corrupts absolute.
9:40: Second Benny Hill sequence.
9:41: And thus concludes Saved by the Bell Season 1. Whew.